Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm new here and an NT. I am 99% sure my ex boyfriend is an aspie.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking to achieve on here, but I'm hoping it will help some of my confussion. I met my ex online around 19months ago, we had the same political views, and we both loved our pets. Quite quickly we were chatting every day (apart from the odd day or two where he was quiet, but I figured he was busy), but he'd send me pictures of his views from work every day, or pictures of my favourite animal if he saw one. We'd also wish each other goodnight. After a 2-3 months of chatting to him I felt like I'd fallen in love with him, I felt he was the one. He decided to book a hotel near where I lived and said he was going for a little holiday and I could meet him if I liked. Anyway, of course I wanted to meet him, and every morning on the lead up he'd send me a little clock as a countdown. I was so nervous to meet him. We met, and he didn't sound like I expected or behave like I'd thought, I put it down to my expectations being off, and I didn't care, I just really liked him.
On the first night we had dinner, and wine, the hotel was kinda falling apart but it was funny, and we laughed about it being like Fawlty Towers. That night he spooned me, and it was he said 'very natural'. I had to iniciate kissing him, I thought he was a gent and maybe shy because I was 12 years younger than him. We then went to makelove, but he made excuses and said he couldn't do it because he was too nervous. The whole weekend he'd constantly watch politics on his phone, or we;d have to watch sport on his computer. I felt that it was really important to him, and I just liked chilling with him. On the last morning of the weekend I iniciated sex again, but he couldnt do it. For the last few hours I thought he'd go home and never speak to me again, as he'd sit staring at his phone not saying much. I thought he wasn't keen on me, or embarrassed about not being able to do anything with me. He went home, and text me the whole time and we met 2 weeks later. My pet had died a few days before the next meet up, so I was upset. The same sort of thing happened again on this weekend, he could't have sex with me, and had to have the room completely pitch black to even try, so I thought he was be really self concious. On the second night he shouted at me, it came from nowhere. He said his dog hadn't been eating well, and I asked him if he'd ever looked up online what it could be (I thought maybe the brand of food or teeth), and he completely flipped, he shouted at me. As soon as the shouting arrived, it had passed. I was stunned. I'd just lost my pet, and no one had ever shouted at me like that before. He went to bed and slept facing the other way, no cuddle or anything. The next day before catching the train home he appologised, and I said it was okay. He said he'd be coming to mine for xmas. So 3 weeks later he came for xmas, and spent it with me and my family.He walked into my house on xmas eve and threw 2 books at me, and said they were my present. They werent wrapped or anything. I didn;t say anything though. My gift to him was a painting of his church that we both use to talk about. I gave him another drawing of mine he loved too, and painted 3 silly things for him, and some other gifts. When I have him his gifts on xmas eve he shouted at me and said he can't open them as it's not xmas. So I thought maybe he had another present for me on xmas day, but he didn't. He said he;d have to buy me something else. He went home a few days later, and went on a huge spending spree for himself, but never bought me anything, just showed it all off to me like it was for me.
Okay, this is going to be too long for everything, so I'll jump to it. We split up in May as he wouldn't replt to my texts, even though he was on Twitter chatting away. So I cried my eyes out for weeks. I then went onto his instagram that he;d made for his dog, and decided to see how they all were as I missed them. Then I noticed cam girls were liking and commenting on his pics. So I thought they were spammers, but they weren't. Then I noticed he was following and liking, and leaving comment on teenage girl accounts (Onlyfan and cam girl ones), they are legal, but they look arounf 15 in some pictures. So I messaged him in disgust about it. He unfollowed them. Then a few weeks later we started talking, and he moved my artwork onto a better place in his house. He;d send me pictures of them, and he'd show me the roses he;d bought because I told him to. We slowly started getting back together, and he was meant to come over before this xmas, but due to lockdown couldn't. So I noticed he was back following those teenage girls again, and commenting. I did further investiagting and it seems he is a financial contributor to them too. I've been heartbroken. He'd never send me any gifts or make love to me, but he would to some teenage girls in Russia. I feel so confused, and hurt. He's 49, so could have daughters their age. I told him I'd wanted a family with him etc. but it looks like he's chosen these girls he'll never meet.
I suppose I'd like to ask is watching cam girls and paying for them normal for aspies? Is it easier than a relationship or something? I just feel so hurt.
I feel in the remote minority in this but...
For myself, I am not all that drawn to any porn or persons for sex related experiences and not really romantically either for that matter. I look at porn and it just feels sad or strange, except if it's art, like "Men On the Verge" or Frankie Goes to Hollywood or Kennith Anger. I have given it a go, but it's a non starter. I am more concept, emotion driven.
Well, when I was in my teens/twenties I was a bit interested in sex, yes but it felt more explorative than seeking connection. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about., or to see what it would be like to have sex with an Aquarius or virgo, for example. it mostly reduced to sensation and the release of pent up energies to me.
I tried to have sexual partnership but they always felt forced and I mostly came to resent the expectation that I would be subsequently sexually available to that partner.
I do bond with others closely but not via sex. I am pretty a-sexual.
any other a-sexuals out there?
Thanks for posting this!
Asexual. I've never heard of this term before but it explains exactly how I feel about this. So I'm now thinking this might be...
Honestly sex has never appealed to me. I don't feel attracted to anybody or even remotely interested in sex. I think it must be an Autistic thing for me, maybe because it involves being so close and intimate with another person, and as I hate being touched I can't ever imagine having sexual intercourse.
I'm always under a lot of pressure from my parents about getting a boyfriend and starting my life.
"Your sister had a boyfriend before she was 18!"
"You should be thinking about starting a family in the next 10 years!"
"Why aren't you interested in dating?"
"A girl your age should be interested in dating"
I hear things like this on a daily basis and it's irritating. Lol.
I'm not goig to touch this one.
I'm surely not diminishing the impact of the trauma of sexual abuse. The oposite. The sex drive is one of the most basic fundamental aspects of human life. That trauma can derail it is estimant to the huge impact trauma can have. As for 'suposed to' I'm just stating what I've observed for most people around me.
And to be honest I've no idea what a 'hedge row world' is suposed to be but I don't think my 'world' is so exceptional.
First off,
please don't assume that my sharing a personal detail of my life, in the hopes of relating to some others on the forum who may also share my experience, gives you license to diminish it's telling to such trivial and contemptible levels. 'I don't think that's how it's supposed to work', for one person to know how it it works for another person.
Furthermore.
I do apologize if I have challenged one of your treasured "supposed to"s to the point of distress but, really, your hedge row world is not the one I live in.
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The (sometimes dire, sometimes joyous) beauty of this world is in it's diversity. So for you if it's "Supposed to" be the way you declare, then enjoy the "Natural consequence" of it. It sounds like stasis to me, but may you thrive and find happiness therein.
May you also cultivate empathy enough to not diminish and dismiss the experiences and truth of another person with such casual cruelty and claims to hegemony (Look it up).
that is a PM sort of thing.
Uhane said:from the age of 9 I was thrust into relations with men
I mean that would put most people off sex. But thats a consequence of trauma more than anything else.
Uhane said:It seemed to hold them off for me till I was old enough to leave that world. What I was actually doing seemed of secondary value to them; the baby machine and household thing looming larger than my actual life and striving for self-realization.
I don't think thats how its suposed to work. I think how its suposed to work is in your quest for self realisation you find others on a similar path and fall in love (or lust) with them and babies is the natural consequence of the sex that tends to follow out of those feelings. Very few people marry for children or to buy a house etc. They marry because of intence feelings (of some form) regarding the other person. The babies is almost a side effect of the process.
you was forced into relationship with men at age 9?is that a different culture thing or was that a uk thing?
Same here. from the age of 9 I was thrust into relations with men and I was taught it was up to me to change to satisfy them. It was a special sort of hell and on more than one occasion I went OB (out of body) to avoid particularly horrid experiences.
It was expected I would marry in the 60s.
Here's how I dealt with it -
find your passion or your tribe and focus there. Do it loud and proud, let them all see and hear about it. that what your doing, participating in on your own.
When nosy parkers nudge about the marrying, simply deflect with things like "some day, after college, after Ive finished this, or that. this show I'm mounting, that furry costume for com i con, this or that passion. after. i learn this sonata, or Swahili, write this book etc. always have something to be in the middle of. and if your not in the middle of anything just make something up. Just say After, after... after..
Be too busy for it.
It seemed to hold them off for me till I was old enough to leave that world. What I was actually doing seemed of secondary value to them; the baby machine and household thing looming larger than my actual life and striving for self-realization.
I could never live up to their exigencies. When I moved to NYC I found others like myself there in the arts and I felt some relief
Funny thing is, once I started to experience a certain amount of success. They focused on that and stopped with the baby babble.
Anyway, let them play out what ever it is they think you ought to do in their own minds and never mind their minding yours.
It's like that REM song, "losing my religion"
"oh, life
It's bigger.
It's bigger than you
and you are not me."
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I'm rooting for you!
Sometimes people cannot be educated, and others aren't willing to either. You are perfect as you are, and never let them convince you otherwise.
You do things in your stride and in the way you see fit and are subsequently comfortable with :)
I've only been here since yesterday, but it's evident that there are many caring folk on here with similar experiences. It's never easy, especially with a disability that cannot be seen so easily.
I hope to rectify that in my own little way soon enough and with everyone's help also. Through the medium I'm best at using :)
Thank you!! Your understanding with this means so much. I wish my parents thought similarly but I don't think they will ever be that way with me. Since being diagnosed I have shared Autism links with them to read to help educate them, I've been trying to educate myself as well, as it's all new to me, but I don't think they look at the links I send.
For the first time in forever I feel like I know myself and it's a lovely feeling.
It's not a life requirement and you don't owe them anything :) They should just appreciate you for who you are. Nobody should have a say in your likes and dislikes, certainly not them, and comparing you to your sister is both crazy and asinine.
Personally, as little as I know about you right now, I can happily say that I'll respect your decisions and that I would not want you to do anything against your wishes. Stay as you are, because that's who you are :)