Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I am mainly writing to see if anyone out there has any pointers. I’ve read a few posts on here and it has really helped me to understand my partner so thought I would give it a go and post something!
I am NT and my boyfriend of 10 years was diagnosed about three years ago. His behaviour has changed a lot since then, which I believe is because he was masking a lot before his diagnosis. I’m so happy he doesn’t feel he needs to do this so much anymore and he seems in general much happier in himself since the diagnosis.
However it is still often very difficult to be with him sometimes. I love him so much and try really hard to try to understand the way he thinks and experiences things. He has severe anger and negativity issues. Often shouts and throws things if something doesn’t go his way or is difficult. Like just now, our friends cancelled a meeting we were going to have and he freaked out, shouting at me for being too chill about it, and has been in a terrible mood since. I know he hates change and in particular last minute changes but it’s often unavoidable. Does anyone have advice on how to help him to manage this? Maybe some tips on how I can suggest that needs to find a way to deal with his negativity? I absolutely don’t want him to think I’m not on his side, but we both love our friends and I don’t want to lose them because he treats them badly.
I also find it hard to talk to him about autism as he seems to shut down or talk to me as if I don’t understand. Almost as if i’m on the enemy’s team, despite me trying to be open and learn as much as I can. Is this something anyone else has experienced and how can I show him i’m always on his side? I feel like he doesn’t want me to be involved in this part of him
Sorry for the long ramble, I just feel quite alone and struggle to cope with the negativity and having to look after him sometimes.
Probably hard to know how to help without knowing him.
What strikes me is, if he can comfortably admit that he gets angry and goes a little bit too far, that could be a good first step to talking things out about this side of things(?).
One thing I've found is that it can help if someone 'couches' language in really soft ways, eg "it seemed to me you maybe went just a little bit far". Even if he'd burned down the shed, I'd tend to use very light and 'maybe' language in order to not 'overwhelm him' with guilt and for him to volunteer his own thoughts on the matter.
It's like little steps so he feels comfortable, and indeed safe, admitting that "yeah, I did go a bit far there".
This technique I find to be useful for people who 'beat themselves up' over things. Basically, if they beat themselves up a lot, you need to go light, because they tend to greatly magnify the guilt themselves.
I don't know if this technique will necessarily work or be appropriate for your partner but it has helped me in talking with someone who shares some similarities to what you talk about. I note that each individual is different though.
That's a helpful insight, both forunderstanding myself and other autists in my life! Ta.
Oh cool, thank you for the note on this