Feeling really rather ...lost? Confused? Hollow?

Yay, update. 2.5 hours after 4 i've got a text saying things got out of hand and he'll call when he gets the kid to bed, wgich is 8.30 or so normally. I can relax!

Here's a parallel story.

So I used to talk to my longest standing friend most days, or 3-4 times a week. Then he finally met so eone, got happy, got married, had a kid. We rarely talk now, maybe once a month, though i know i'm important to him still, like they had me for christmas last year which waskind, but also i think they actually wanted to.

My love life's been up n down for a while and I've wanted to talk to him, and also touch base in case he'd offer to have me for christmas. I texted yesterday afternoon to ask if he had time to speak this wkd. This morn he suggested 4pm today.

Come 3pm I was conscious I had a 4pm call. 3.30 and bit nervous I could lose time, this built up to 3.55. I was ready to call him precisely at 4pm but new that was odd, i waited til 4.10. I rang. It rang once then switched to voicemail. I texted to say he can call when free. I rang at 4.30 and it went straight to voicemail. I'm not sure how i'm feeling cos i struggle to discern feelings, but i'm a bit anxious, upset, want to have a chat cos it was planned, want to connect, want to know the order of my evening!

And this is with someone I've known for 20 years, has a kid, loads of family nearby, who knows what's going on.

So yeah, i understand how it's like. At 50 I'm so much better than i used to be. It is an aspie thing, i've no idea why. I remember my best mate texted me once at about 10:30 saying he was gonna be late for our 4pm. I got about 10 texts through the day updating me on lateness estimates, he even got arsie that we were trying to do too much though it had been his suggestion to add a run to dinner. In the end he was 7 minutes late ....

We do have to own this, but we can also let others know how we process things without any blame or expectation. I hope you find a way around this for yourself.

How's it going Flunglebimp? Did you chat with any of your friends?

I'll try and find time to write again this evening. What you say so resonates with me. I'm 50 and can think my way around it quite well now, but I'm still triggered and fret about the smallest of things.

You don't have to tell friends everything in one go. And there are ways to tell people where you own that it's your problem. Like "I get in such a tizz around punctuality, I know it's me, .... ." I find telling people my stuff helps with the anxiety even if they don't change their ways cos it's opened up a channel of communication and i can then say, "oh god, you won't believe the mess i got in not knowing whether you were coming or not, and you were only 5 mins late, really, my brain!" But also sharing vulnerability deepens connection. So approach it from a perspective that talking about this will deepen yoyr connection together.

If it might be worth mentioning. Sometimes I find my anxieties cause my little issues to evolve into massive issues that didn't exist outside my head. 

Sorry if I'm giving mixed advice. I try and find the balance myself. I do stick with if they are worth having in your life, be open, honest, and kind. 

No, I’ve always felt like this. Even as a child, I remember bring worried about how others saw me and if ever anyone was off with me, or I perceived them to be, I’d blame myself. Mum didn’t help though, she always said my outspokenness would push people away. She can now see why I was like I was as a child! .  

I’m hopefully going for a run with a friend On Saturday so I might get to speak to her then but I know she’s got to get home pronto afterwards. 

Completley understand. Maybe leave it a week and see how you feel? Or give them a call. That way you can at least explain if they were to take it the wrong way. 

The feeling of being lost resonates with me. Is this recent to your diagnosis?

Thank you Aidie and p1nkg1n. 
ive tried writing it down but I’m afraid it looks a bit...needy or whingy? I typed out a text to a friend who’s upset me this week but I deleted it because I just don’t know if I’m being ‘autistic’ and sensitive or if I really have reason to be upset. If it’s the former, I may push her away. I’m sure past friendships have ended due to me being ‘pushy’ or needy 

Hi,

Sorry you're feeling like that. I'm waiting for assessment but a lot of what you said sounds familiar. 

I think I've got to a point where the friends I have are probably quite similar because the other relationships fizzled out.

Could you put into writing why it's so important to you? They will most likely understand. They may also have similar thoughts and feelings. 

yep i hate that as well. I cant get the planned thing out of my head and have to do the dishes or something or gardening to work away the tension