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married with autism

NAS68399

Hello.

I have been married for 14 years and my husband has autism. We are struggling. There are times being married that he says or does something that hurts my feelings in some way. I express this to him. For me that's it the issue is resolved. My husband feel's that its always him that upsets me and not the other way around. He said that this makes him have low self esteem. I have spoken to a counsellor who said that its normal to upset each other and have disagreements, its resolving that is the issue. My husband feels that it is always him upsetting me and its affected his self-esteem so he does not have any. He Has said hes felt it for ten years and not said anything before. I don't know what to do to help. I cannot not say if I'm upset. There are times when i am upset i dont say anything but i cannot do it all the times. Any comments gratefully appreciated.Thanks

  • in reply to aidie

    Absolutely - it sounds like he likes the thrill of the chase as it's all remote and under *his* control.       He clearly doesn't have the full set of social skills to maintain a relationship or fulfil your emotional needs.

    Most counsellors won't have a clue about autism and relationships - you need to seek out someone a bit more understanding about how his mind actually works.

    You need to look after yourself.

  • from your evidence:

    he's acting inappropriately. 

    I think u need to go to a marriage counsellor as he appears to be  looking elsewhere

    you havent got over his online affair and that needs to be resolved

    the stuff about asking permission is odd  -- its like he is trying to show u as the wrong doer

    you have depression,  he has autism, if you can use any free marriage counsellor stuff do it.

    if well off even better I recommend you get this resolved soon

  • Your complaints seem legit. And of course they could also be symptoms of his low self esteem. The examples you give i've heard NT couples complain of too.

    As an autist I can take feedback to heart, and struggle to know that the other person has moved on. I need them to explicitly tell me they're now ok with the change, otherwise i'm worrying about it for years.

    I've an NT colleague who's wife is autistic. He struggles with how she is in the relationship, and his complaints seem legit. She lives life quite independent of him, both what they do and emotionally. His needs aren't met and he tries to have more time with her, etc. She struggles with this and similarly her self esteem has been eroded. She does complain at him though, but mostly about petty things.

    I've read two books on NT/AS relationships. I didn't particularly enjoy either as they were negative, pessimistic and seemed to be grounded in the most difficult of AS cases. I don't know what this one is like:

    The Autism Couple's Workbook, Second Edition
    Learn more: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785928910/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_K7vSFb641MV34?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

    My thoughts on relationships generally is you first need to find a way of how to communicate effectively with one another, and then talk about the issues.

  • in reply to Plastic

    hello, i am not autistic and dont know what you mean by mental illness. I have depression after an inccident last year. Examples, we were visiting his mum and he was texting a friend about them going out the next night, he was asking my persmission in front of his mum.we have already had these discussions. he is a grown man and wants to go out thats fine, i have always encouraged him out, but when we are with friend he makes out like he has to ask or lets people assume it, and i dont like it. last year he had an emotional affair with a woman online. teo weeks aho he went out and come home drunk, he was on social media messaging random women and discussing he was feeling low, she said she was, there was lots of hearts , they both stated to be there for each other. this really upset me....i have issues after last year. we had previously discussed no drunk random women private messaging. does that help?

  • What does he do / not do that upsets you?      Are you doing anything to stop him accidentally hurting you?     Does he know the rules of your game so he can avoid the pitfalls?

    How do you upset him?     We work totally in logic and reality so abstract concepts cause difficulties - "How much do you love me?"    Dunno - can't possibly measure that and give a precise answer etc.

  • Are you autistic or have any mental health issues ?