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married with autism

NAS68399

Hello.

I have been married for 14 years and my husband has autism. We are struggling. There are times being married that he says or does something that hurts my feelings in some way. I express this to him. For me that's it the issue is resolved. My husband feel's that its always him that upsets me and not the other way around. He said that this makes him have low self esteem. I have spoken to a counsellor who said that its normal to upset each other and have disagreements, its resolving that is the issue. My husband feels that it is always him upsetting me and its affected his self-esteem so he does not have any. He Has said hes felt it for ten years and not said anything before. I don't know what to do to help. I cannot not say if I'm upset. There are times when i am upset i dont say anything but i cannot do it all the times. Any comments gratefully appreciated.Thanks

Parents

  • Your complaints seem legit. And of course they could also be symptoms of his low self esteem. The examples you give i've heard NT couples complain of too.

    As an autist I can take feedback to heart, and struggle to know that the other person has moved on. I need them to explicitly tell me they're now ok with the change, otherwise i'm worrying about it for years.

    I've an NT colleague who's wife is autistic. He struggles with how she is in the relationship, and his complaints seem legit. She lives life quite independent of him, both what they do and emotionally. His needs aren't met and he tries to have more time with her, etc. She struggles with this and similarly her self esteem has been eroded. She does complain at him though, but mostly about petty things.

    I've read two books on NT/AS relationships. I didn't particularly enjoy either as they were negative, pessimistic and seemed to be grounded in the most difficult of AS cases. I don't know what this one is like:

    The Autism Couple's Workbook, Second Edition
    Learn more: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785928910/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_K7vSFb641MV34?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

    My thoughts on relationships generally is you first need to find a way of how to communicate effectively with one another, and then talk about the issues.

Reply

  • Your complaints seem legit. And of course they could also be symptoms of his low self esteem. The examples you give i've heard NT couples complain of too.

    As an autist I can take feedback to heart, and struggle to know that the other person has moved on. I need them to explicitly tell me they're now ok with the change, otherwise i'm worrying about it for years.

    I've an NT colleague who's wife is autistic. He struggles with how she is in the relationship, and his complaints seem legit. She lives life quite independent of him, both what they do and emotionally. His needs aren't met and he tries to have more time with her, etc. She struggles with this and similarly her self esteem has been eroded. She does complain at him though, but mostly about petty things.

    I've read two books on NT/AS relationships. I didn't particularly enjoy either as they were negative, pessimistic and seemed to be grounded in the most difficult of AS cases. I don't know what this one is like:

    The Autism Couple's Workbook, Second Edition
    Learn more: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785928910/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_K7vSFb641MV34?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

    My thoughts on relationships generally is you first need to find a way of how to communicate effectively with one another, and then talk about the issues.

Children
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