Published on 12, July, 2020
Reading through it was really nice but also a super sad. I have really dramatic mixed feelings about it.
Like all my history was there, it was all put into words with correct terminology, it was all put in order so it wasn't all a jumbled mess like it is in my head. It was great! I felt very understood and it was an awesome experience over all. Everything makes sense and I don't feel like there was one comment out of place.
But... it also reads like a big list of everything thats wrong with me. Everything seems so... undesirable and shitty and theres just so muuuuuch trrraaauma. It sort of makes the thought of ever having a job that I can actually handle and thrive in or friend group or even a relationship etc just seem so unreachable and unachievable for me. Its kind of a huge downer as well as being happy that I have an answer now and an understanding finally to my identity.
I honestly keep in mind constantly to just be kind to myself. Negative thoughts use to swamp me and drag me down to the point of years of continuous episodes of major depression bordering psychosis. But I have since learned a lot of healthy coping mechanisms and have had them in practice for a good while now. And I like to think that I have gotten pretty good at it.
I am trying to focus on the positives and being kind to myself but I dunno.... this is some really complicated stuff because its very identity heavy, and thats something I have always alllways struggled with.
How did you feel reading your assessment report? Did you struggle with mixed feelings that were polar opposite? How did you cope? Did it get better?
Do you have a job?
I don't unfortunately. I can just about function looking after myself in general and thats only now because I am stable, when I am unstable I can barely do that. Adding a job to that is just too overwhelming for me. Deffo not from a lack of trying though, I have tried loads of different jobs. They all ended up causing me to go into burn out / shutdown mode insanely quickly/easily and it would take more and more time to recover from it until eventually I quit (just stopped going) or got fired. So I have to be kind/realistic with myself and just accept that full time work isn't for me.
Now if there was a job where I didn't have to interact with strangers, I could choose my hours, pays well, I could do it at home, that I don't need qualifications for annnnd is something that I actually enjoy then yeah, sing me up. But even then, thats only for when I am stable. My other disorders make my mental health unpredictable and I have no idea when episodes will start or end. Literally this is the first time I have been stable in over 5 years.
Jobs like that just don't exist.