Published on 12, July, 2020
A conversation (via SMS) with a friend around suicide included me pointing out the strain of not fitting in anywhere and being socially abnormal. His reply was intended to be generous, suggesting that I fit in better than I think. So I just pointed out to him "I don't think you realise how hard it is to fit in."
His reply? "Do you have to pretend? Can you be yourself?"
Excellent question. I mean, obviously yes, and hell, there's an entire lifetime of things going *** when I fail to properly portray neurotypical behaviours.
I still don't know how to respond. Why do we pretend to fit in? What's the point?
Unfortunately this is something NTs don't understand.
They have the feeling that we can turn it on and off at will. That 'being ourselves' is always acceptable, but in reality being ourselves leads to a great deal of misunderstandings and offence to them.
To avoid this I often appear very hesitant thinking of the best way to phrase something so then I come across to them as though I am not being thoroughly honest. Which often I am not because I am trying to avoid the offence I will give if I am. And it is all thoroughly exhausting.
At least now I have retired I do not have the many problems in the workplace with misunderstandings and my last few months working were from home due to covid which I found much less stressful.
Like Aidie, I can often spend time writing things that I delete because it may come across as offensive when that isn't the intention.