Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in a right mess trying to start a relationship, don't know what to do, and having a right autistic need for control of the situation as a result and going round in circles obsessed with trying to decide what to do.
(Normally all I can do is analyse and problem solve a situation, but instead here I'm goning to try and be vulnerable and just "spill my guts.")
I'm male and gay. 2.5 years ago I met a great guy, but who I was pretty sure was in the closet. I've had bad times in this scenario before so I tried avoiding him for a few months. Then he managed to hook me into hanging out. We had loads and loads of fun, I've never felt so at ease, so safe, so cared for. Turned out eventualky he had a girlfriend, so with a clear boundary I just revelled in the friendship. We got very intimate and told each other all our secrets. Over the first six months he'd be very flirty, but I couldn't make sense what the hell was going on. Now I've read about autism and flirting and not being able to understand contradictory information I get why I was so confused. I'm also 100% certain he's autistic, though no idea if he knows he does, though I know people spot it and my guess is he got bullied about it at scHool. So i guess he was equally confused by me.
Now I see we had loads of miscommunication, and him making two clear moves on me that I shutdown on out of confusion (he hadn't said anything about being interested in men, and he still had a girlfriend). 8 months ago I finally told him by letter, he replied in a shutdown way saying he needed time. We agreed to have a break from each other whilst he sorted his *** out. Two weeks later he'd split up from his girlfriend. She struggled to move out, then lockdown happened and got trapped there. Apparently he got in a right depressed mood.
She moved out in June. After a break I got in touch and we swapped some nice messages which were light and fun. He said he'd pop round, but he never did. In Sept Iwrote him another letter and spelled it out clearly. If he wanted a relationship he should text and ask me for a chat, if he wanted a friendship he should text and ask me for a run. If now wasn't the right time for re-engaging then he could let me kbow that. He asked me for a chat. He swapped some nice fun texts but I was away. We arranged to meet the week after when I got back, then he went super quiet suddenly.
Turned out his girlfriend, presumably by coincidence, had gone round and given him a earful about me being the reason they'd split up. She was so angry with me that the friend who told me said he couldn't hang out with me for a few months in case she found out. So I can imagine it was full on. The friend is too cautious to tell me what he knows, grr.
We did meet, he said he didn't want a romantic relationship. He was in full autism shutdown, looked wretched like he was ginna cry and be sick at the same time. He didn't say anything else, except did get animated when he acknowledged his ex hated me but this would be less important now in time that she had a new boyfriend. He texted the next day and asked me for a run the next day. We had a lovely time like the old days. So I got mixed messages from him. I thought I just had to sit it out whilst he regained some confidence and distance from his ex.
Now he's been quiet again. He can do that though when things are good, he doesn't get I might want contact. He quarantined due to covid. I'm gonna text to meet again. But I'm struggling with the ups and downs. I dunno whether he'll ever make it. A few people I've told are all clear I need to just give him 2-3 months. But it's hard sticking my neck out all the time. And hard to know whether to give him space (it's mostly always been me who initiates stuff), try and see him regular and let things take their course, or write again and suggest what I think he needs to do. I'm sure he feels trapped by the lies he's told his ex, but I know her and I'm sure if he said someting lije "yes, you're right, i was in a mess and got a lot of stuff wrong ... ," she'd come round quickly. It's also hard cos I know how much I've misread him before thinking he was pulling away only to discover he'd thought i'd pulled away.
Grr, it's hard. Coming out is so scary I can see him running away. But given the bond between us I can see we'll eventually get there. I'm just going mad not knowing what to do!
For an AS, Mr Great Guy can be so bloody NT sometimes.
He's always struggled to invite me to do things. He'll talk loads about something he wants to do but not invite me. I got upset once only to discover he was actually trying to get me to invite myself. That's always been the dynamic between us and I learnt either to spot it or be brash. These days though I'm feeling more defensive and guarded. He keeps talking about me picking up bin diving again which we used to do together, but not suggested we go together. That I can handle. This morn he kept talking about fell running, again which we used to do together and I'd love to do, and got as far as putting me n him in a possible scenario together, but it'll take me to invite myself. I don't mind that too much, but I don't spot his hints until I'm on my own and can absorb the conversation. That's my AS and the same with everyone. Why can't he be explicit!? What's the point of him being AS and not explicit!?! Jeez I get more directness from my NT friends.
And then there's me going that I don't want to fell run cos I'd be embarrassed in lockdown if I had an accident. And when he complements me on my clothes, that he's done twice last times we met, I just grunt back. And then there's probably a list of complaints he has with me that I'm oblivious to. Well the good news is we're seeing each other again regular, it's relaxed, and I'm not too hung up on him.