Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in a right mess trying to start a relationship, don't know what to do, and having a right autistic need for control of the situation as a result and going round in circles obsessed with trying to decide what to do.
(Normally all I can do is analyse and problem solve a situation, but instead here I'm goning to try and be vulnerable and just "spill my guts.")
I'm male and gay. 2.5 years ago I met a great guy, but who I was pretty sure was in the closet. I've had bad times in this scenario before so I tried avoiding him for a few months. Then he managed to hook me into hanging out. We had loads and loads of fun, I've never felt so at ease, so safe, so cared for. Turned out eventualky he had a girlfriend, so with a clear boundary I just revelled in the friendship. We got very intimate and told each other all our secrets. Over the first six months he'd be very flirty, but I couldn't make sense what the hell was going on. Now I've read about autism and flirting and not being able to understand contradictory information I get why I was so confused. I'm also 100% certain he's autistic, though no idea if he knows he does, though I know people spot it and my guess is he got bullied about it at scHool. So i guess he was equally confused by me.
Now I see we had loads of miscommunication, and him making two clear moves on me that I shutdown on out of confusion (he hadn't said anything about being interested in men, and he still had a girlfriend). 8 months ago I finally told him by letter, he replied in a shutdown way saying he needed time. We agreed to have a break from each other whilst he sorted his *** out. Two weeks later he'd split up from his girlfriend. She struggled to move out, then lockdown happened and got trapped there. Apparently he got in a right depressed mood.
She moved out in June. After a break I got in touch and we swapped some nice messages which were light and fun. He said he'd pop round, but he never did. In Sept Iwrote him another letter and spelled it out clearly. If he wanted a relationship he should text and ask me for a chat, if he wanted a friendship he should text and ask me for a run. If now wasn't the right time for re-engaging then he could let me kbow that. He asked me for a chat. He swapped some nice fun texts but I was away. We arranged to meet the week after when I got back, then he went super quiet suddenly.
Turned out his girlfriend, presumably by coincidence, had gone round and given him a earful about me being the reason they'd split up. She was so angry with me that the friend who told me said he couldn't hang out with me for a few months in case she found out. So I can imagine it was full on. The friend is too cautious to tell me what he knows, grr.
We did meet, he said he didn't want a romantic relationship. He was in full autism shutdown, looked wretched like he was ginna cry and be sick at the same time. He didn't say anything else, except did get animated when he acknowledged his ex hated me but this would be less important now in time that she had a new boyfriend. He texted the next day and asked me for a run the next day. We had a lovely time like the old days. So I got mixed messages from him. I thought I just had to sit it out whilst he regained some confidence and distance from his ex.
Now he's been quiet again. He can do that though when things are good, he doesn't get I might want contact. He quarantined due to covid. I'm gonna text to meet again. But I'm struggling with the ups and downs. I dunno whether he'll ever make it. A few people I've told are all clear I need to just give him 2-3 months. But it's hard sticking my neck out all the time. And hard to know whether to give him space (it's mostly always been me who initiates stuff), try and see him regular and let things take their course, or write again and suggest what I think he needs to do. I'm sure he feels trapped by the lies he's told his ex, but I know her and I'm sure if he said someting lije "yes, you're right, i was in a mess and got a lot of stuff wrong ... ," she'd come round quickly. It's also hard cos I know how much I've misread him before thinking he was pulling away only to discover he'd thought i'd pulled away.
Grr, it's hard. Coming out is so scary I can see him running away. But given the bond between us I can see we'll eventually get there. I'm just going mad not knowing what to do!
life can be rough u cant always get what you want.
Mr Great Guy(MGG) sounds in a real mess...... confused .....not knowing what he wants ....... could he be Bi sexual ?.
I like the way you care for him. Yes try contacting him on regular basis via text. Does he reply to your texts ?
I am worried he maybe heading into depression . Act as a good friend for now. If u can, contact his ex girlfirend somehow just to make sure he is ok and explain it in those terms ie u both need to team together to make sure Mr Great Guy is sorta OK
maybe he will never choose (if he is gay or not or bi )
Is this so binary ? cant he ( MGG) be with you both ( u and ex ) for a while until Mr Great Guy becomes better ???
sorry for your anguish
Thanks aidie , it meant a lot to be listened to, and to get an understanding reply.
Yeah, I worry he might be going into depression, he did that twice before when things were messy, but he pulls out too. And i've got to be careful not to read his depression/confusion as pulling away.
And yeah, I've felt me and the ex need to team up. I know she's really upset and angry with me but she does care about him too, and she's got a new boyfriend.
He may be bi, i guess that would just hinder him even more. I think what's clear is he's held on now for 2.5 years playing with the relationship idea and often almost getting there, or getting there and me goofing it! My guess is though he's predominently gay.
I do care about him, he's been lovely to me, and he is special, I like the MGG acronym!
Yeah, he does reply if I get in touch, and yeah I think just being a good friend is best for now. But i can see that's hard for him, he knows i know and that must be scary, and he knows i know his ex has excused him of leaving her for me. Meeting me must take him some effort as it must be all there in front of him when he does.
I think I've just gotta be patient, even though i've lost my patience. It'd be nice either to tell him how to deal with her, or chat with her to tell her how to give him permission. Maybe i'll try one. I'm hoping the friend who knows all 3 of us might open up a bit this weekend, he knows what's been said between them but feels awkward telling me, but at least might know if I can approach her.
no problem
Thanks. I seem to be coming out of my angst, and letting go of wanting something from this, and just having compassion for him. I'll write to him from there, just as a friend. Poor thing.
good luck on your mission
Yeah. I'm the only person he's ever opened up to, so can't see him reaching out to anyone else.
But that's how i'm feeling, maybe write him a letter that tries to help by guessing what may be going on. Ta for listening, it's hard, and being heard helps.
i got ur message ---- so thanks for that .
i just think MGG needs help. he is losing touch with reality. I guess he's lucky to have u around at least.
Yeah, I'm losing patience and not impressed with his behaviour. He doesn't do drugs or drink, and wouldn't do anythng he doesn't want to just to be nice. So it's totally weird. I'm sure he wanted to do the run, and wanted to do the wkd one when he suggested it.
The ex is avoiding seeing him. They shared a dog after they split up and that's now gone to her parents to avoid the sharing. Her decision, she had the moral highground on the issue. He'll be upset about that.
His overwhelms and shutdowns are way way worse than mine and he goes nonverbal. I think he gets in a right tizz that lasts days. Coming out is hard, and then he's having to deal with the fact that he's let the cat out of the bag so I know; that she knows and has accused him of it and dumping her for me; and she's told at least one friend of his this, maybe everyone. So he probably feels in a fish bowl. So I get the tizz.
I just don't get why he can't be consistent one way or the other! Well, apart from his shutdown.
(There is one other thing i'll tell you by private message)