I'm in a Right Mess Trying to Start a Relationship

life can be rough u cant always get what you want.

Mr Great Guy(MGG)  sounds in a real mess...... confused .....not knowing what he wants ....... could he be Bi sexual ?. 

I like the way you care for him. Yes try contacting him on regular basis via text. Does he reply to your texts ?

I am worried he maybe heading into depression . Act as a good friend for now.  If u can, contact his ex girlfirend somehow just  to make sure he is ok and explain it in those terms ie u both need to team together to make sure Mr Great Guy is sorta OK 

maybe he will never choose (if he is gay or not or bi )

Is this so binary ? cant he ( MGG)  be with you both ( u and ex ) for a while until Mr Great Guy becomes better ???

sorry for your anguish

Thanks aidie , it meant a lot to be listened to, and to get an understanding reply.

Yeah, I worry he might be going into depression, he did that twice before when things were messy, but he pulls out too. And i've got to be careful not to read his depression/confusion as pulling away.

And yeah, I've felt me and the ex need to team up. I know she's really upset and angry with me but she does care about him too, and she's got a new boyfriend.

He may be bi, i guess that would just hinder him even more. I think what's clear is he's held on now for 2.5 years playing with the relationship idea and often almost getting there, or getting there and me goofing it! My guess is though he's predominently gay.

I do care about him, he's been lovely to me, and he is special, I like the MGG acronym!

Yeah, he does reply if I get in touch, and yeah I think just being a good friend is best for now. But i can see that's hard for him, he knows i know and that must be scary, and he knows i know his ex has excused him of leaving her for me. Meeting me must take him some effort as it must be all there in front of him when he does.

I think I've just gotta be patient, even though i've lost my patience. It'd be nice either to tell him how to deal with her, or chat with her to tell her how to give him permission. Maybe i'll try one. I'm hoping the friend who knows all 3 of us might open up a bit this weekend, he knows what's been said between them but feels awkward telling me, but at least might know if I can approach her.

no problem 

Thanks. I seem to be coming out of my angst, and letting go of wanting something from this, and just having compassion for him. I'll write to him from there, just as a friend. Poor thing.

good luck  on your mission

Yeah. I'm the only person he's ever opened up to, so can't see him reaching out to anyone else.

But that's how i'm feeling, maybe write him a letter that tries to help by guessing what may be going on. Ta for listening, it's hard, and being heard helps.

i got ur message ---- so thanks for that  .

i just think MGG needs help. he is losing touch with reality. I guess he's lucky to have u around at least.

Yeah, I'm losing patience and not impressed with his behaviour. He doesn't do drugs or drink, and wouldn't do anythng he doesn't want to just to be nice. So it's totally weird. I'm sure he wanted to do the run, and wanted to do the wkd one when he suggested it.

The ex is avoiding seeing him. They shared a dog after they split up and that's now gone to her parents to avoid the sharing. Her decision, she had the moral highground on the issue. He'll be upset about that.

His overwhelms and shutdowns are way way worse than mine and he goes nonverbal. I think he gets in a right tizz that lasts days. Coming out is hard, and then he's having to deal with the fact that he's let the cat out of the bag so I know; that she knows and has accused him of it and dumping her for me; and she's told at least one friend of his this, maybe everyone. So he probably feels in a fish bowl. So I get the tizz.

I just don't get why he can't be consistent one way or the other! Well, apart from his shutdown.

(There is one other thing i'll tell you by private message)

you're confused ! so am i !

thats really weird  behaviour. It like he has forgotten what he has just done. As if someone has hit him on the head with a rock !

I couldn't be bothered with that behaviour,  it very disrespectful.  The pumpkin ? 

I dont know what to think .Was he on drugs that day he agreed for a run and then sobered up  ?

I wouldst have the patience to wait 5 years !  Is he seeing his girlfriend still  ? what is going on in his head ?

Hey aidie, the update is:

MGG is over covid; i texted and asked him for a run; he was all "great, ace, etc;" we swapped 2-3 nice texts; he dropped a pumpkin off at mine spontaneously; we went for a run, he was a bit tense, but loosened up and focussed on chatting speed rather than running speed; he ran me home; i said he could let me know about when he might want to run again; instead he immediately suggested either a long run or a cycle or cycle at the weekend, which surprised me. It was a sheepish ask, and he said he needed to check his diary. Come Fri morn I texted and asked what suited him; no reply. Sat morn I texted again and he said he still had no idea and hadn't had time to think. (He often has so many special interest projects going he can barely breath). Sunday he sent me a nice jokey FB message but no mention of meeting. Tues night I asked him if he wanted to run this week. It's Weds eve and he still hasn't replied.

If I behaved like this it'd mean I wasn't interested. My friends tell me to be patient, give him 2-3 months, that he's in shock, coming to terms with stuff, etc. I get that, but I get anxious for progress and clarity. I can't tell whether I'm being autisticly anxious and not taking on board his challenge and should wait a bit, or cutting him too much slack and should draw a line and tell him that.

Grr, I do remember when i wrote to him I said I was happy to wait a few months whilst he sorted himself. And in the past when he's withdrawn it's turned out he was processing stuff and making small progress. I suppose the real issue is I'm confused; and I've a need to know what's happening. My running coach tonight told me it took him 5 years to get together with his wife after she'd split from her partner!

Yeah, the key is him working out how to be honest with his ex. But he's in a right tizz. I think he's hoping it'll all be easier in a few months. Sadly she's dumped her new boyfriend so it might be longer than that!

He has faced up to himself, just bottled it, so he'll get there again.

Sounds like time is the big thing here.MGG needs to come to terms with how he wants to live his life. He has to be honest to others and himself.

Ah yeah. I always thought it was odd he'd referred that conversation to me. She was trying to give him permission, and i thought she'd done it subetly at the time, but yeah you're right, he felt under surveillance. He was probably looking for comfort from me. I know he's felt under surveillance from me too, when he's backed away and i've got frustrated and tried to nudge him, which is part why i'm trying to balance giving him space.

Thanks for engaging. And I've decided the same, time is key here. And ta, yes, i'll let you know if there's a change or if i'm struggling.

M

his mum put a load of unnecessary pressure on MGG there

ok, u do ultimately know what best ,so let me know when something changes

Time is your friend.

later

Thanks for all those ideas. I agree that right now being in contact is key. I'll think through this eve how best to do that.

MGG's mum tried to help 18 months ago by telling him she regretted how she'd handled her first son coming out (they were really homophobic), and she felt she'd do a better job if it were to happen again .... . He's the only other son, and he did refer this conversation to me. He is getting there, coming out is lots of back n forth steps.

He may be ok. He's prob decided he's not going to do anything til the ex has calmed down and he knows where I stand, so he's possibly just waiting it out. In the meantime he sends bad signals to me cos his Theory of Mind is clearly worse than mine, and he's got a more single track mind than me.

I will have a think though if i can get over my insecurities and contact him more. Ta.

does MGG have a mum ?  i mean can u contact her ?.. just to tip her off MGG is in a bad way or if he has a counseller same thing tip them off.

she men think with their stomachs. text him with "do u want some KFC ? I bring it round and wont stay "  

make sure there are loads and tins of Coke whatever he likes. Then at the door see what happens but dodnt expect to be asked in .... but also ask can u be in a bubble with him 

repeat the process a couple of days later .....ask if he needs stuff eg handcleaner  

your objective is to keep in contact...... if he asks why u're doing this just be honest and say " i cant watch u starve  u dont look underweight l ......  " become like an Irish mum  

remember to keep 2 metres away and wash your hands 

 u have nothing to lose

Hi aidie,

MGG is prob the same. I did text him and he replied. Turns out he's had a light covid. He wasn't that chatty, but pretty normal for him. Once he's recovered hopefully we can get into the swing of regular runs, which is psychologically safe for him, and prob feels ok to tell his ex about. It's hard to gauge, I don't want to be invasive or on top of him if he needs space, but also we misread each other on this type of thing, and he's always been a poor communicator by text, and gets shy about asking me to do stuff. And it's exhausting always being me that sticks my neck out. I'm ok with going slow at the moment and guessing he needs space.

The shared mate came round last night, MrQ for Quiet. The one who said he couldn't see me for 3-6 months cos MGG's ex was so furious he was scared she'd lunch him, MrQ. I wanted to ask him:
- whether the ex was in a place she could handle me n MGG being friends? Or boyfriends?
- Whether she'd be amenable to chatting to me, esp if MGG's wellbeing was concerned?

Really I want him to tell me what he knows about the fateful night last month when she accused MGG of having left her for me. But MrQ gets so tense about managing this situation, which I get is hard for him, he's friends with all three of us.

Anyway he was so tense MGG didn't get mentioned at all. Until MrQ was getting into his car and said it was ok now for me to pop around his, MrQ's, house cos MGG's ex isn't going around MrQ's anymore (separate reasons).

Teenage drama! But MGG is the best shot I've ever had. And it's hard to watch someone I care about suffer, esp when it's about coming out and he shouldn't have to be going through this at all. Still I'm relaxed at the mo, and will bring up the topic with MrQ next wkd. I'm not sure what more I could do to support MGG.

Hi aidie,

MGG is prob the same. I did text him and he replied. Turns out he's had a light covid. He wasn't that chatty, but pretty normal for him. Once he's recovered hopefully we can get into the swing of regular runs, which is psychologically safe for him, and prob feels ok to tell his ex about. It's hard to gauge, I don't want to be invasive or on top of him if he needs space, but also we misread each other on this type of thing, and he's always been a poor communicator by text, and gets shy about asking me to do stuff. And it's exhausting always being me that sticks my neck out. I'm ok with going slow at the moment and guessing he needs space.

The shared mate came round last night, MrQ for Quiet. The one who said he couldn't see me for 3-6 months cos MGG's ex was so furious he was scared she'd lunch him, MrQ. I wanted to ask him:
- whether the ex was in a place she could handle me n MGG being friends? Or boyfriends?
- Whether she'd be amenable to chatting to me, esp if MGG's wellbeing was concerned?

Really I want him to tell me what he knows about the fateful night last month when she accused MGG of having left her for me. But MrQ gets so tense about managing this situation, which I get is hard for him, he's friends with all three of us.

Anyway he was so tense MGG didn't get mentioned at all. Until MrQ was getting into his car and said it was ok now for me to pop around his, MrQ's, house cos MGG's ex isn't going around MrQ's anymore (separate reasons).

Teenage drama! But MGG is the best shot I've ever had. And it's hard to watch someone I care about suffer, esp when it's about coming out and he shouldn't have to be going through this at all. Still I'm relaxed at the mo, and will bring up the topic with MrQ next wkd. I'm not sure what more I could do to support MGG.

Thanks. I seem to be coming out of my angst, and letting go of wanting something from this, and just having compassion for him. I'll write to him from there, just as a friend. Poor thing.

good luck  on your mission

Yeah. I'm the only person he's ever opened up to, so can't see him reaching out to anyone else.

But that's how i'm feeling, maybe write him a letter that tries to help by guessing what may be going on. Ta for listening, it's hard, and being heard helps.

i got ur message ---- so thanks for that  .

i just think MGG needs help. he is losing touch with reality. I guess he's lucky to have u around at least.

Yeah, I'm losing patience and not impressed with his behaviour. He doesn't do drugs or drink, and wouldn't do anythng he doesn't want to just to be nice. So it's totally weird. I'm sure he wanted to do the run, and wanted to do the wkd one when he suggested it.

The ex is avoiding seeing him. They shared a dog after they split up and that's now gone to her parents to avoid the sharing. Her decision, she had the moral highground on the issue. He'll be upset about that.

His overwhelms and shutdowns are way way worse than mine and he goes nonverbal. I think he gets in a right tizz that lasts days. Coming out is hard, and then he's having to deal with the fact that he's let the cat out of the bag so I know; that she knows and has accused him of it and dumping her for me; and she's told at least one friend of his this, maybe everyone. So he probably feels in a fish bowl. So I get the tizz.

I just don't get why he can't be consistent one way or the other! Well, apart from his shutdown.

(There is one other thing i'll tell you by private message)

you're confused ! so am i !

thats really weird  behaviour. It like he has forgotten what he has just done. As if someone has hit him on the head with a rock !

I couldn't be bothered with that behaviour,  it very disrespectful.  The pumpkin ? 

I dont know what to think .Was he on drugs that day he agreed for a run and then sobered up  ?

I wouldst have the patience to wait 5 years !  Is he seeing his girlfriend still  ? what is going on in his head ?

Hey aidie, the update is:

MGG is over covid; i texted and asked him for a run; he was all "great, ace, etc;" we swapped 2-3 nice texts; he dropped a pumpkin off at mine spontaneously; we went for a run, he was a bit tense, but loosened up and focussed on chatting speed rather than running speed; he ran me home; i said he could let me know about when he might want to run again; instead he immediately suggested either a long run or a cycle or cycle at the weekend, which surprised me. It was a sheepish ask, and he said he needed to check his diary. Come Fri morn I texted and asked what suited him; no reply. Sat morn I texted again and he said he still had no idea and hadn't had time to think. (He often has so many special interest projects going he can barely breath). Sunday he sent me a nice jokey FB message but no mention of meeting. Tues night I asked him if he wanted to run this week. It's Weds eve and he still hasn't replied.

If I behaved like this it'd mean I wasn't interested. My friends tell me to be patient, give him 2-3 months, that he's in shock, coming to terms with stuff, etc. I get that, but I get anxious for progress and clarity. I can't tell whether I'm being autisticly anxious and not taking on board his challenge and should wait a bit, or cutting him too much slack and should draw a line and tell him that.

Grr, I do remember when i wrote to him I said I was happy to wait a few months whilst he sorted himself. And in the past when he's withdrawn it's turned out he was processing stuff and making small progress. I suppose the real issue is I'm confused; and I've a need to know what's happening. My running coach tonight told me it took him 5 years to get together with his wife after she'd split from her partner!

Yeah, the key is him working out how to be honest with his ex. But he's in a right tizz. I think he's hoping it'll all be easier in a few months. Sadly she's dumped her new boyfriend so it might be longer than that!

He has faced up to himself, just bottled it, so he'll get there again.

Sounds like time is the big thing here.MGG needs to come to terms with how he wants to live his life. He has to be honest to others and himself.

Ah yeah. I always thought it was odd he'd referred that conversation to me. She was trying to give him permission, and i thought she'd done it subetly at the time, but yeah you're right, he felt under surveillance. He was probably looking for comfort from me. I know he's felt under surveillance from me too, when he's backed away and i've got frustrated and tried to nudge him, which is part why i'm trying to balance giving him space.

Thanks for engaging. And I've decided the same, time is key here. And ta, yes, i'll let you know if there's a change or if i'm struggling.

M

his mum put a load of unnecessary pressure on MGG there

ok, u do ultimately know what best ,so let me know when something changes

Time is your friend.

later

Thanks for all those ideas. I agree that right now being in contact is key. I'll think through this eve how best to do that.

MGG's mum tried to help 18 months ago by telling him she regretted how she'd handled her first son coming out (they were really homophobic), and she felt she'd do a better job if it were to happen again .... . He's the only other son, and he did refer this conversation to me. He is getting there, coming out is lots of back n forth steps.

He may be ok. He's prob decided he's not going to do anything til the ex has calmed down and he knows where I stand, so he's possibly just waiting it out. In the meantime he sends bad signals to me cos his Theory of Mind is clearly worse than mine, and he's got a more single track mind than me.

I will have a think though if i can get over my insecurities and contact him more. Ta.

does MGG have a mum ?  i mean can u contact her ?.. just to tip her off MGG is in a bad way or if he has a counseller same thing tip them off.

she men think with their stomachs. text him with "do u want some KFC ? I bring it round and wont stay "  

make sure there are loads and tins of Coke whatever he likes. Then at the door see what happens but dodnt expect to be asked in .... but also ask can u be in a bubble with him 

repeat the process a couple of days later .....ask if he needs stuff eg handcleaner  

your objective is to keep in contact...... if he asks why u're doing this just be honest and say " i cant watch u starve  u dont look underweight l ......  " become like an Irish mum  

remember to keep 2 metres away and wash your hands 

 u have nothing to lose