Guidance needed for relationship with autistic partner

Hi there!

I would look into the low arousal approach - it a geared towards children but is certainly applicable to supporting autistic adults in meltdown too.

How do the children in the household feel to witness his anger?  Whilst you are an adult who can choose to be around that behaviour, children do not get such a choice and the impact on them also needs to be considered I feel.

I am concerned about his unwillingness to calm down until you have apologised and his refusal to accept help.  Ultimately, his autism should be preclude him from understanding the impact his rage has on you and the children.  In my view, he has a duty to seek help to better manage his difficulties so that you and your collective children do not bear the brunt of his meltdowns. I am female and autistic and I certainly would not expect my neurotypical partner to tolerate that sort of behaviour indefinitely whilst I refused any help offered.  There have certainly been times when I have been less that ideal as a partner as a result of the anxiety I experience linked to my autism; one of the primary motivations for addressing my anxiety was out of love for my partner  and not wanting him to have to live with the impacts of that indefinitely.  He would never leave me I feel, no matter what I did or how unwell I was, but I love him and so want to make sure our life together is as happy as it can be. 

Hi, thank you so much for your reply as you’ve given me a different perspective. I’m really hoping I can get him to co operate reading these replies to see that we both need to approach things differently and your comment about wanting to get help is something I do think is a good perspective.

I agree regarding the children and it’s difficult to convey to them when he won’t discuss his condition. I’m worried they will either a) think this behaviour is acceptable (none of our children are autistic) or b) resent how he behaves towards me. To be clear he has never shown anger towards or purposefully in front of the children, but inevitably they can hear him and what’s said sometimes. 

I do feel that we are bearing the brunt of his anxiety. He is reluctant  to open up as he believes it ends up an argument and that I don’t support him. I am very frustrated by this as he is blind to the support I do give him and because he won’t get help he’s very much on the path of a like it or lump it attitude. Hopefully I can encourage him to be as brave as you as I know this will be an ongoing journey, for me too as clearly I need to change my behaviour to help him x

I wonder why it is he seems so reluctant to discuss his diagnosis? Have you asked him why this might be?

My father is certainly on the spectrum and suffers from very high anxiety that he has kept well-hidden for most of his life.  He is 80 now and only just beginning to open up about how he struggles sometimes and has done all his life.  He can still be quite defensive if the subject isn't raised with a great deal of tact and sensitivity.  I think, for him, he sees his differences as something of a failure when, as a man, he feels he should be 'strong' enough to cope.  Obviously, this is not a view I share at all - he is an extraordinary and wonderful man who is very well loved and is a fantastic father and husband.  He was never angry as you describe but could be very controlling in regards to the life of him and my mother and kept her out of many of the decisions he made.  

I think it is much harder for men to admit vulnerability often as boys are socialised from such a young age to never give voice to vulnerability.  I worked with children and young people with SEN for ten years; it was noticeable between the ages of 12 and 14 how boys were pressured into no longer showing any emotion other than anger.  Many of the boys I worked with who had 'anger management issues' were in fact extremely anxious and presenting that anxiety in a way that they felt was most socially acceptable.  

That's not to say that I don't still believe your partner has a duty to seek help - I do.  Whilst his needs of course matter, yours and that of your children are not secondary to his. Whilst his anger is not directed at them, I'm certain it will be having an impact on them.  As someone who grew up with an adult who had similar issues with their anger (my mother - very shouty), I can assure you that it had a long-lasting impact on me.  

I wonder why it is he seems so reluctant to discuss his diagnosis? Have you asked him why this might be?

My father is certainly on the spectrum and suffers from very high anxiety that he has kept well-hidden for most of his life.  He is 80 now and only just beginning to open up about how he struggles sometimes and has done all his life.  He can still be quite defensive if the subject isn't raised with a great deal of tact and sensitivity.  I think, for him, he sees his differences as something of a failure when, as a man, he feels he should be 'strong' enough to cope.  Obviously, this is not a view I share at all - he is an extraordinary and wonderful man who is very well loved and is a fantastic father and husband.  He was never angry as you describe but could be very controlling in regards to the life of him and my mother and kept her out of many of the decisions he made.  

I think it is much harder for men to admit vulnerability often as boys are socialised from such a young age to never give voice to vulnerability.  I worked with children and young people with SEN for ten years; it was noticeable between the ages of 12 and 14 how boys were pressured into no longer showing any emotion other than anger.  Many of the boys I worked with who had 'anger management issues' were in fact extremely anxious and presenting that anxiety in a way that they felt was most socially acceptable.  

That's not to say that I don't still believe your partner has a duty to seek help - I do.  Whilst his needs of course matter, yours and that of your children are not secondary to his. Whilst his anger is not directed at them, I'm certain it will be having an impact on them.  As someone who grew up with an adult who had similar issues with their anger (my mother - very shouty), I can assure you that it had a long-lasting impact on me.