Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I’m hoping for some guidance as I try to understand more about my partner and his condition.
My partner has been told he’s autistic by professionals but has chosen not to seek any help. He’s a wonderful man and we have been together 3 years and have a child together. He struggles on a daily basis with his autism (has difficulty adjusting to new situations and changes in routine) and he has opened up very little to anyone that he has autism and therefore gets no support and along with that I have little support when things go wrong.
The difficulty I’m experiencing is his anger. Very trivial things will make him escalate very quickly to extreme anger which results in him raising his voice, swearing and hitting things (not me but objects). Along with this it often results in him shutting down and not talking to me for hours if not days and/or threatening to leave. At times he is threatening with ultimatums but he genuinely doesn’t seem to see that this is not acceptable behaviour and he often will only consider calming down if I apologise. Often this starts from very minor points like changing the plans of the day or a minor comment I barely even register myself.
I don’t want to sound like I’m criticising my partner as he is a wonderful and accomplished man when not behaving this way. The struggle is he has no bar on his anger, even when other people can hear or our children are home (we have two older children separately).
I’m trying hard to ignore some of the behaviour to prevent these mood swings but in that I’m losing a little of my own self which isn’t the solution. Does anyone else encounter this with their autistic partner and how do they deal with it? Are there any techniques anyone can suggest to diffuse the situation? The anger tends to come on so quickly that I get caught out and then he’s unable to talk through the situation. Any help would be appreciated as I want to support him and help out relationship,
thank you
hello,
it shows you care about your partner to come and seek support off your own back.
have you suggested he seek support? Does he just deny the help? He will probably find it hard to trust or let anyone in.
First thing I noticed was the use of the word trivial, this is the first thing I would suggest you may want to change. The situation or the words may be trivial to you, but they’re clearly not trivial to him. For the standard person, a change of plan is fine , but to someone with autism they will feel lied to and even with a good reason, still struggle. I try to avoid it with my partner, if I do change plans, I give plenty of notice and reassure him it will be fine. I always find apologising for they way they feel and a cuddle can help, but you will need to catch him before he goes to far down the rabbit hole.
you mentioned a comment can set him off, if you know the comments that set him off, avoid them, i know the exact routine of anger and then periods of silence, but I imagine you argue back? He will see that and understand that he is just getting anger back, which will make him more angry and betrayed. im not saying never have an opinion or don’t argue, but I’m saying if the start point of this was something “trivial” be the better person and apologise for making him feel that way, you can still voice your opinion on what you meant, but if you fight fire with fire it will only end one way.
i have experience shouting and throwing of stuff, leave him alone and don’t antagonise him, he will calm down.
I don’t know what you mean by losing your self worth? You are his partner and this is about him and your relationship, support him and it sounds like you guys are happy when it’s going good? Strive to keep it that way. It sounds like you two have a lovely relationship with your children most of the time, so please think of the good and things will work out.
ulitmatley my advice is to read up and do your best to support him, stand up for truly important things you believe in, but if there is a trivial or a random word that sets him off or a subject you know that will make him angry, just change the subject or be a supportive partner and apologise and quickly move on.
J
Hi J,
thank you for your reply, it’s good to hear that people make this work. Have you been together long? I’m interested to see how people make this work long term?
To reply to a couple of your points, I apologise for using the word trivial as I understand the thing said or done may not be trivial to my partner, it would of been better for me to explain that I don’t always realise something said will trigger him, although it’s fair to say sometimes I just don’t think and say something which can affect him like making changes and I need to work on that.
It can be hard sometimes when things change which they inevitably do a lot when you have children. Regarding losing myself, it wasn’t self worth it was more my ability to communicate. I do find it difficult that sometimes I can’t retaliate or offer an opinion because of the consequences. I guess you have to pick what you value more, and overall I want to be with him and be happy together. I guess part of it is because he has a lack of anger control and the alternative is to pretty much let him do what he needs to I do wonder if it will affect my children’s view of behaviour. For example I know my partner doesn’t mean to raise his voice at me and I ignore it on the whole, but if he wasn’t autistic I wouldn’t accept someone speaking to me like this. He doesn’t like to discuss his condition in front of the children and I therefore wonder if they consider this a healthy way to speak to a partner, if that makes sense?
I guess I’m looking to just put it out there and see what I can do to make it work for us and our family. It’s always going to be a challenge whilst he doesn’t want help. I understand it may be perceived that I don’t want to be with him, but I love him dearly and the majority of the time (like with everyone) we have a wonderful relationship and I want to spend my life with him, I just need some reassurance and help to get through the dark time as it’s only ever one extreme or the other