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Post diagnosis roller-coaster!

#SorryNotSorry

I was newly diagnosed in 5 months ago (38F)

I had only really even considered myself to be autistic only a year ago after (what I now know) was my first ever meltdown... I literally imploded and thought I'd had a breakdown. 

Upon googling, I stumbled across a females account of her own meltdown and had a truly Eureka moment. I instantly knew. 

I suffered really bad with imposter syndrome before my assessment and was worried I'd mask too well!

I was initially delighted (and relieved) with my diagnosis as it finally helped me understand why I did all the weird and quirk stuff I did and explained alot about why I do certain things and behave in certain ways.

Then came the sadness of how different (easier) my life could have been if I had been diagnosed earlier and sadness due all the things I'd put off doing that I might have done if I'd understood exactly why I was putting them off

Im now at the stage where I'm trying to piece  together which parts of 'me' are my autism and what's just my personality. Which parts I can maybe change and what I probably can't.

Can anyone relate?

  • Hi there

    i understand completely how you feel! I was diagnosed last year at 22 yrs old and felt angry and I didn’t believe I really had autism. I remember my parents telling me it doesn’t matter but to me it felt like my whole identity changed. I think I refused to accept the diagnosis because I spent all my life masking so well I didn’t realise it (if that makes sense!). I went to counselling to figure out what was autism and what was me and I do sometimes struggle to accept it. I understand you absolutely it can be a relief to get a diagnosis but also confusing especially when being diagnosed as an adult 

  • in reply to JohnS

    I'm furloughed. I actually really enjoy my job, it's everything else on top. Sometimes it feels like everyone wants a part of me but I've nothing left to give !

    In my assessment I was very open and honest about my difficulties and the situations that give me stress (the first time I've openly admitted to anyone about all my weirdness!).  They also interviewed my husband for nearly an hour and a half! But I guess it's easy to tell yourself pre assessment that everyone does weird stuff and it doesn't make me autistic! 

  • in reply to #SorryNotSorry

    In some ways the Covid crisis is a good thing in not having to travel on the train and work in an office. I'm lucky in that I can afford to go part-time and work from home during this. I still miss my friends but not anxiety I get which must be due to the travelling and office environment, because at home, I am still doing the same work but without the stress Slight smile

    I'm not surprised you didn't fool the Psychiatrist as you probably still give off signs, eg stimming, tapping, body touching without noticing. Also, you might have said some odd things or things worded in a long winded way.

    The fact you jask so well, shows that you have "learnt"how to fit in, although this doesn't stop the social anxiety :)

  • in reply to JohnS

    John... So nice to hear all that! 

    The psychiatrist said I was one of the best 'maskers' he'd seen... But that "I couldn't fool the experts" Rofl

    I feel it will help me to say to the people closest to me 'I'm sorry I'm behaving this way today' and they will understand. 

    My hubby says that covid has thrown me in the deep end for learning to cope with change better! Only diagnosed 2 months before lockdown and my world (the world!) is upside down with constant change and fear of the unexpected. 

  • Yep we have all been there ie how life could have been different if we had known and been able to seek help. The regret ie would I have travelled more, tried working for other companies ( I have worked for 32 years at the same company) , had more friends, more girlfriends,... the list goes on.

    The trouble is that you will now have well embedded coping mechanisms and it is a well known fact that women mask exceptionally well. But any feelings of regret will fade after a few months (afterall you can't change the past) and you will move on. But at least know and  understand what stresses you out. You can explain to people why you get stressed out and it will make life a little easier. I even wear an "Aspie God" Hoodie somethings but even now I still exhibit imposter syndrome and that's after a Psychiatrist diagnosis and a full assessment from two Psychologists :)