Should I stay or go?
Sorry I keep doing this in bits , I get thoughts and they leave my mind. I struggle to remember each point.
So my wife is adament that if i leave she will be a better mum, that i wont zap her and she will have more buffer for the kids.
I stay to be a better me and work out this puzzle and get it right.
And that I'm worried if I'm not here the kids will have to deal with a angry tired mum by themselves at least Im hear to share the load of the kids, give her a break.
Am I wrong Am i too much of a problem and its better for everyone I leave and parent from a distance.
I dont want to leave my home that my parents put a a huge contribution to and I've worked huge amount hours to pay for and develop into an awesome home for kiddies
But am I being selfish and I doing what I want at the expense of hurting my wife.
Hi Matthew, this is a big life decision, please contact a relationship counsellor and get some professional help. Sharing the kids won't make life easier as you will have to juggle your life around it. Please don't base such a big decision on the viewpoints of a forum of autistic people. I hear your urgency and have been through a divorce, it's tough. X
Wait until lockdown is over - we’re not currently living in a ‘normal’ time/ world at the moment. Don’t jump to rash conclusions.
Thankyou again wise words, were stuck in a situation of she cant leave as she wants to home educate and so needs me so she doesnt have to work, and she wants me to work harder smarter and fund a separate house.
I'm struggling to get time (I'm not the quickest admin worker) to invest time and grow business properly.
As I spend lots of time looking after kids and cleaning up house.
Not a easy choice, I wish we could get things right and have an awesome life I know it wont happen by itself.
Thanks , I really appreciate your clarity :)
If your wife can't cope with the kids all day now, if your support is taken away, I think she would seriously struggle with homeschooling them. Especially as the demands placed upon her would seriously increase before you've even added on the extra tasks she'd need to do as a single parent. For example, your maintenance would only cover a small part of her outgoing so she might need to work too.
As mentioned previously, I don't think your wife's behaviour is very healthy. I also think she puts on you and tries to make you the 'problem' rather than face up to her own issues.
If eventually, you do move out I think it would be sensible to seek the support of a solicitor to ensure that your financial contribution, as well as the access to your children is fair. I agree with you that you should consider if leaving them with your wife is the right thing for them and whether they'd be better off with you.
Hi thanls for your reply,
Its hard because she does make some really good points, but then Im like is she a narcist, she thinks I am, that all men are crap and I have aspergers, I do think i think differently,
Mathew, stop posting so aggressively on the community page. Please keep to one forum at a time & not open over several forums a day when all topics all you subject of your relationship. your posts are related and out of context and most people are not seeing every post, getting the full picture.
i don’t say this a lot because I think it’s wrong And harmful to say so but this time I think it’s necessary “seriously!, man up” you’ve got married, you’ve had children stop using the fact you have autism as an excuse for not trying and putting the effort into your relationship and raising your own children.
you are behaving very manipulative even through the way you are posting trying to make people purposely feel sorry for you. You are asking for other to make the decision so when it come to it you can blame them when stuff goes wrong.
autism causes difficulties especially when it co-morbid with learning disabilities, other disorders and mental health. But if you are capable of making the effort, make it. Because if you leave your partner is going to hit hard and their is no support out their for you to go to when your relationship is over just because you have autism.
you understand and are fully aware of what you are doing, its not your partners job to cook, clean and prepare and plan and raise the children by herself. Your a couple and your their for supporting each other it’s what families do. You lucky to even be in a relationship.
Your partners is getting tired of hearing excuses and you not making the effort of day to day life.
autism explains are unusual behaviour and traits it not an excuse to be abused. It’s not excuse to not take part in life and not to do the best of our abilities.
if you leave your children without making any sort of effort first you are coward. Sorry to be blunt but your only thinking of yourself in you multitude of posts you have posted.
Please dislike this post if you disagree because people like me have made every effort before asking for help, tried multiple time and when it come to getting the support we are denied it.
Hi Austic& Alone, I really appreciate your points, my head is scrambled so your bluntness is welcome.
I'll work on not being aggressive, I don't know how to convey the hecticness and frustration of life, when I interact with my wife it comes across as the end of the world, shes up and down so much, I feel responsible for causing maybe her being depressive or bipolar.
When she's down and I show concern I get told I've done it in the wrong way and she gets angry.
If i avoid interacting with her when shes down then she gets angry.
If I interact with her when shes down I'm giving her mental load and shes gets angry.
I struggle to gain any ground and pay into her emotional cup.
note thankyou for kicking my butt, theres an issue of how i interpret the world and how I communicate with her, I feel so much better at managing my frustartions and dont get angry with her , I just listen, try not defend myself , own and acknowledge any issues, but I repeat issues thats her frustration I dont learn or think of impact on her.
Because im chilled so I think, which isnt whats happening i have low standards so things dont bother me. I guess I treat her how I feel about life and thats not fair on her.
How to put this without deflecting or defending myself, the facts I have a strong beautiful wife, I havent invested in the relationship.
I thought just working hard and supporting partner and doing amazing holidays was the key , but I didnt pay into the emotional bank account consistently.
I just had an angry wife and when she explained the issues it just felt like being attacked. I couldnl't get why we were at odds , couldnt get why she didnt get on with my friends so just assumed she was the problem and didnt realise that my friends were the issue the male privelge and masogny.
My Dad was over bearing and my mum just submissive and spoke up only now and again.
I recognised this in my brother and dad the over bearing personality,
And thought I was different, my relaxness being chilled out was me day dreaming tuning out and not taking a opinion or stand on anything.
Forcing myself to think through the fog is exhausting. And I need to put my wife 1st and share mental load.
I thought just taking the kids as much as possible to give her a break was key, but actually engaging and sharing mental load of buying kids clothes and meds etc is what she is asking for.
But i keep focusing on family constantly tidying up the house, shes exhausted so will sleep in most mornings and Ill pick up all the nappies and used plates cultery and wash up , put washing clothes through etc. Clean bathrooms, but its never enough constant messey surafces things stacked on things.
I need to fill her cup so she's not exhausted and feels she has capacity for life and kids.
I'm havent left and arent leaving becuase I dont want to give up, but I casuse her to feel exapperated that she wants me to leave, but I'm concerned for the children that even with me here life is a struggle.
I focus on family and house and not enough on the business and she wants me earn enough money so she can home ed kids and we can have 2 houses.
I really appreciate your honesty , so thank you.
I am trying to make sense of all this and do better and treat my wife better and succeed at life
Hi Autistic and alone
Sorry for 2 parter, am looking after my kiddie, my wife would say parenting.
I hope you don't mind me going into more detail and talking this through, my wife hates this, she just wants me to get it,
Make a change in life and get on with it, dont try to understand it, just do it.
Sometimes my wife will say she's NT and that I must just accept her thinking, sometimes she say shes on the spectrum.
I think she has PDA as she is sensitive to noise and smell. She hates hearing me chew food.
Or if the TV washing machine and kettle and kids ipad is on. I can tune out to it, so I must remember she sensitive.
I must address issue how I present information so its not manipulative, I can put my hand up and say its my fault, but because i repeat mistakes my wife says it doesnt count if I was truly sorry I wouldnt repeat the mistake.
Thank you for listening