Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi im ,NT my boyfriend has aspergers. Im honestly dont know if i can deal with the stress of being with him.any longer. Hes has had a drug problem in the past which lead him to make a stupid mistake. He has stoped taking drugs and i thought he had learned his lesson. I stayed with him through a very difficult time. He hasnt touched drugs in a year. He also turns to drink when hes stressed which again isnt good but he has seemed to stopped drinking excessivly. During lockdown i have been trying to modivate him to do a course or something productive he said he wud but never did. He has spent all his time playing some game. I came home from work today to him telling me that he has spent all his money on this game!! We are fine financially but i just camt believe how stupid he has been and i just dunno what to do. Before lockdown we were going to a counseller. I have bought him books on autism and books on mindfuliness etc but he never reads them. I just dont know what to do anymore any advice??
Hi - this is just my take on this - and others might disagree strongly.
It's surprisingly common for aspies to have alcohol or drug problems - our lives are a nightmare of over-stimulation and confusion with the modern world. We usually mask to try to cope with it all but some find that drowning it all out with chemicals to be their way of coping.
Video games or model trains, Lego etc. are a way of asserting control over a miniature world where everything behaves logically and predictably so we can be calm - it allows our brains to defrag the day's problems as a background task to process the stress away while doing something calming.
I would be most concerned over the dugs & alcohol. Our lives get more and more complex as we get older and our ability to cope gets less and less so we often burn out. If he's resorting to chemicals from an early age, I would be very concerned that he will become more dependent on them as life gets more complex - especially when responsibilities like career, marriage and kids come along. That becomes out of control very quickly and can lead them down a very dark path - and maybe drag you down too.
Counselling doesn't really work for us unless the counsellor is highly skilled in autism - we tend to measure and judge professional people's competency harshly - and if the person doesn't measure up, we ignore them - but we're programmed to be polite with them so we go along with things not to make waves. That's probably why he's not interested in reading books about himself.
You need to think very carefully about committing to a future with him - you have a right to be happy and fulfilled and if you are not happy at this stage, you have to decide if he will make you happy or not in the long term.