Newly Diagnosed 33 year old adult - finding it hard to process. Any suggestions?

So for starters.  The last 33 years of your life, did you consider yourself normal?  Yes?  So what has changed?  A piece of paper says you have ASD?  Does it really have any real relevance to how you will live your life in the future?

Ok so those questions are real.  You have presumably lived a certain way for the last 33 years.  Having the paper that says you have ASD doesnt change that.  It answers questions you had. What you do with the information is up to you.  If you have a job that you enjoy and no issues I wouldnt tell an employer.  If you have issues then its in your best interests to use the paper to improve your situation.   

As for telling your wife and kids, yes, relationships are built on trust and I dont think they will have any issue with it.  You got a diagnosis that maybe explains some things, but daddy will still be daddy regardless of that piece of paper.  Your wife will still be your wife.  I wouldnt worry about it.

Your doctor at the service you used should have explained it will take time for things to sink in.  It does.  I am 4 months past diagnosis and I still havent fully come to terms with it.  Mostly it takes time for my brain to correlate past experiences to the ASD diagnosis.  i am achieving it bit by bit.  Has it changed the way I deal with my family?  Not at all.  I am still the same person they knew a year back. It just helps to explain some of the things that I do, like my routine that i follow daily and my obssessive door checking habit.  Dont allow it to rule your life.  Just use it as the diagnostic aid that it is.

Hi,

As a person who was diagnosed before Primary School age and has been aware for most of my life, I may have a different perspective to offer.   Granted, I wasn't told by my parents until I was around 10 or so; before then, all I knew was that I was receiving support throughout most of my time at school and I had a few unrelated physical health difficulties to focus on, but being told didn't have much of an impact on my life.  Being told exactly why I needed support in school was a shock for me at the time, but I knew that my family and friends cared about me and I still cared about them and it made things easier to to handle.  Being on the spectrum hasn't been easy , but I was fortunate in that I I made friends, and have maintained lifelong friendships, and have never been bullied at school; deliberately annoyed by some people, yes, but never singled out for anything cruel.    

As for being worried about being treated differently, I think most humans on this planet believe themselves to be abnormal and fear being 'found out' by other people.  A quote from the film Star Trek Generations sums it up very well: "Normal is what everyone else is, and you are not."  

I understand that being told may have shaken your beliefs about yourself and about your identity, but you're still the same person you were before the diagnosis.  If people suddenly think less of you just because you're on the spectrum, perhaps you'd be better off without them.  You were born this way and you shouldn't have to apologise for it.  You can't control what other people think about you, all that matters is what you think of yourself.

I would advise that you disclose to whoever you feel you want to or have to, but not necessarily broadcast it.  Not everyone will make an effort to understand.  It might help to think about how you would explain it to other people, preferably as succinctly as possible.  Referencing a well known Aspie, like in the post by 'Free to be me' might help put people at ease, preferably if said celebrity has similar interests.  

It's your call, but I also think telling your ex-wife and children may be a good idea, in that it can help you and your ex figure out what went wrong in your relationship, it gives her a chance to process what it all means, and will help her to put any fears about your children to rest.  If reconciliation isn't possible, she would be better prepared to accept your Autistic quirks as part of who you are, not something you do on purpose to upset her.

Regarding your children, discussing it with her may help both of you form a plan as to how you can prepare to make their lives easier if at least one of them is somewhere on the spectrum, and how and when to disclose the fact once you're both certain.  It may soften the blow coming from people they know and love.  In the end, if you tell them while they're still at school, it may spare them from the self-doubt you feel now and they can share any pain it causes with one another.  If at least one is NT, the other two have someone else to support them if they get a hard time at school.  

There is the risk that some may treat you differently but my experience is that most don’t react any differently. The thing is it may make you more anxious thinking about what they might think - but this is the unknown and the unknown makes us anxious. Sometimes we have to take the plunge and put a little faith in the value your friends have in you and the friendships you’ve built. :) Hope this helps, if you need a chat feel free to send me a message 

HI! I am a selfdiagnosed aspie.  I will tell you my opinion: don't tell your personal problems in your job place.

(Sorry, i'm not english). I don't tell anyone i am an aspie. The same way i don't tell people if  have an infection or a micose or HIV or money issues. This is only my opinion, of course i maybe wrong.  You just do your job and don't make life easy for your bullies. Because we, autistic persons, we are  bullied all the time. No need to make it easier for bullies to bullying us. Your bully may be your father, your son, your brother, you coworker... seek professional help, seek this forum, whatever, just don't tell.  Of course i maybe wrong. I am 47, things are slightly different in my age.  

Hi, 
I was only diagnosed at the beginning of March and I’m 49. I found it a relief and actually a positive revelation to a life of social challenges. I initially told my parents who are in their 70’s who didn’t really say anything. I think it was too much for them to think about and they know I have always been different so maybe just accepted it. I also told a couple of other people who were very positive and supportive. I think some people just don’t understand ASD.  I have Aspergers and when I told my brother he instantly understood when I said it’s what Guy Martin and Chris Packham has, but before I said that he just looked at me blankly in a not getting it look. 

i personally think if someone is a true friend or colleague they will understand and also hopefully recognise that you have been diagnosed by a specialist and they don’t just make stuff up. ASD gives us amazing gifts and abilities which would have contributed to the unique person your are. I know mine helped me to have a successful business for 25 yrs as I am incredibly intensely focused. 

There is some great support in this community. I have only recently joined myself.

Hi

I felt the urge to tell  people after I was diagnosed, because of the revelation to me and how different I felt. However, I was cautious about it for the reasons others raise.  In the end I decided to wait 3 months and see if I still wanted to tell people after the euphoria had died down.

As of now it's more than a year now and I have only told a handful of people, and I'm quite glad I didn't tell more because you can't un-tell people.  However, each situation is rather different and I'm not in your line of work. 

I haven't told my family or my employer.  I have told 2 colleagues that I get on with, my partner and finally my partner's best friend (so that my partner could vent about me if needed). One of the colleagues was a regret.  That stopped me telling any more.  When I told them I was autistic, they proceeded to list every weirdo they knew , followed by "probably autistic", as if I was now in the weirdo club now. 

I also think it's really cool that you are an autistic teacher :-) I wish I'd had one - I might have got on better at school. 

Thanks Anthony for your response. I really do value everyone's opinion. 

Do you not feel like people will judge you or treat you differently? I suppose i am anxious about peoples reactions especially those who hold me in high regard. Also those that will think that i am making it up or have not got anything because i have gone 33 years. 

See I feel that it’s ok to tell others because it demonstrates some degree of openness and enables any reasonable adjustments to be put in place at work or among friends it gives them insight to better support you. 

Thank you John for taking the time to respond. 

Teaching and spending time with my own children is the easy bit, dealing with the adults is a lot harder. I just put on a show of what everyone wants this great teacher and family man to be. its extremely tiring. 

Me and my wife split up last year, i dont think she could take my quirks any longer. I am wondering if i need to let her know or even my children as my oldest has made passing comments about my obsessions and the way i do things sometimes. I think my 6 year old has a lot of my same traits, he is very clever, so people overlook this usually. I know how hard life has been for myself, i dont want him having to feel or deal with the same. 

Since being diagnosed a few days ago, i dont think i have felt anything. I pushed for it because i have always known how different i am, but now that i know i am unsure of how to feel or what to do. 

I personally wouldn't unless you need to.

I was diagnosed last year and told my employer, as I was being "told" to transfer to another group on a accusation from a manager on something I was supposed to have said 18 months ago. As he couldn't back up after being confronted by my Union Rep - it was all dropped. So  I was allowed to carry on with my current job as before :) But I'm not sure whether I would've told my employer,  if I hadn't needed to.

That said they have made work place adjustments eg communicate via chat/email and keep meetings short or not invite me. Also they have to give me clear written instructions. I use noise cancelling headphones all the time, as we have an open office area.

I told my family, but they don't really believe my diagnosis (My eldest son was diagnosed as a teenager and is 21 now). Even my wife says that she has known me for over 30 years and doesn't think I have Aspergers. Although she did tell the Psychologist (as part of the assessment) that I have difficulties in social situations and get easily stressed and agitated when put in awkward situations.

It must be hard being a Teacher have to socially interact with people all the time?

Going forward, if you are suffering work place problems, to make your diagnosis known to your head. 

And finally, you could try therapy (CBT) or meditation if you suffer from stress and anxiety caused by your Autusm...