Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I've recently been diagnosed with autism, which has helped make sense of much of my life.
However, the rector of my C of E parish church of 2 years, St George the Martyr Southwark, has recently conveyed at the start of March through the Diocese Safeguarding that he is no longer willing to support me in any way, in conversation, in prayer, in blessing (this was about 2 weeks before Covid measures here and has nothing to do with Covid). This led me to attempt to kill myself because I just couldn't cope.
This came as a complete shock to me as immediately up to that point of complete withdrawal, he'd consistently supported me for two years in weekly pastoral meetings, in being available for conversation, prayer and blessing after services and even phone-calls when I'm overwhelmed (as he still does for others). I've since learnt from a meeting with the Diocese that he'd been in constant 'confidential' meetings with the Diocese about being no longer 'able' to support me, despite my needs being non-confrontational and non-violent, even as he reassured me of his commitment to "walk with you always" and "I just wanted to repeat my willingness to support you", in speech and in writing as recently as late February. Now that I'm not allowed to contact him in any form, I'm not just unable to learn why he's done this to me but have been utterly depressed about being excluded from the same level of pastoral and spiritual care he still gives others, not just those with physical health needs but even ordinary people. The worst part is that because of Covid, he is now offering church members remote pastoral support by phone. Because I'm still on their mailing list (because by church law I'm still on their electoral roll), I got the email detailing this new measure of support by phone. However, when I tried to clarify this, I got an email from the Diocese expressly stating that this measure still excludes me, and that this offer of pastoral support is given freely to everyone else who have been worshipping at St George's with the specific exception of me. (Anyway, I later found out through someone who took me out for lunch after this happened and helped me process things a bit that this priest is just someone that I should never have trusted. I didn't know this because I never got involved with church management but apparently he's known to those involved in the church's management for constantly changing his ideas and behaviour, breaking promises and saying different things to different people, someone I should never have called a priest. But what's done is done.)
After learning about my autism diagnosis while in hospital from my suicide attempt, I've since tried to look up how to cope with a change as sudden and devastating as this (sudden, complete and inexplicable withdrawal of two years of consistent, reliable trust and support!). I read that I should find a 'new normal' as soon as possible but with Covid this is impossible as I can't get to know a new church and clergy because churches are closed.
Can anyone help me? It's so painful being surrounded by memorabilia (photos, confirmation cards, books) of my time at St George's, particularly that priest's support, knowing all that's come to an abrupt and inexplicable end but at the same time removing them would only make it worse by their noticeable absence. I'd appreciate any tips you can give. Every day I'm just fighting for the will to live. I really can't deal with something so abrupt and inexplicable as this. If it helps with your advice and tips, I have a further, older diagnosis of EUPD (the new term for BPD).
Hi all, I just want to firstly say thanks for the moving solidarity you've all shown me. I'm just updating this post because this holy grail I found could be helpful to others who have experienced similar discrimination with the church or other community organisations: https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/core-guidance-voluntary-and-community-sector-organisations .
Basically, what happened is possibly illegal. I didn't know the EHRC existed; I only heard about them today after bumping into a tweet on 'Inclusive Justice'. Here are the relevant excerpts of the laws around this:
"Unlawful discrimination can take a number of different forms:
For example:
An organisation must not stop offering home visits to disabled people who they find out have a mental health condition if they go on offering home visits to other clients. That is likely to be unlawful disability discrimination.
An organisation must not take twice as long to make a decision about whether to help someone if this delay is because of a protected characteristic.
An organisation must not make it harder for you to access their services.
An organisation can still tell you what standards of behaviour they want from you as a service user or client - for example, behaving with respect towards their staff and to other service users or clients.
Sometimes, how someone behaves may be linked to a protected characteristic.
If an organisation sets standards of behaviour for their service users or clients which have a worse impact on people who share a particular protected characteristic than on people who do not have that characteristic, they need to make sure that they can objectively justify what they have done. Otherwise, it will be indirect discrimination."
There's a hotline and contact details on the page as well if you feel you've been discriminated in this way. Hope this helps anyone else who has run into similar problems. I'm going to give this route a try and see what they say. I've had a deep search into whether the C of E itself has any internal checks and balances (a means of appeal, a fair hearing) against the sanctions forced on me and all I found was a complaint procedure against the Safeguarding adviser responsible. I should think an appeal to the EHRC hotline will probably be more fruitful.
That sounds promising and you sound more possitive. Good luck and keep is updated
Thanks! I've written to the EASS and they've replied that the church in my situation can rightly be considered a service provider and my case one of unlawful direct discrimination based on mental illness and possibly unlawful indirect discrimination based on autism. Apparently even just denial of entry to the church Whatsapp group in this particular situation can be considered discrimination. As long as I'm confident that these actions were taken purely on account of my mental illness and/or situations arising from my mental illness and that reasonable adjustments weren't made for my autism (inability to cope with sudden change, clearer instructions, etc), and that all the things denied me continue to be offered to others, and that were my mental illness or autism not known, I would not be denied these things, I should send a formal letter of complaint to the Diocese drafted by the EASS and await their reply and return that reply or lack thereof to the EASS. EASS misunderstood some details of my predicament though so I clarified them and asked for confirmation of their advice just to be safe. They underestimated the number of 'services' I've been denied so I think if anything their advice would be firmer but I don't want to get anything wrong so asked again anyway. They even suggested that because of Covid they can understand that it's much harder for an autistic person to be cut off from a familiar community. The language on their drafted letter to be sent to the Diocese is a bit harsh and I've been wanting to tone it down a bit but my law student friend (who is not a lawyer, legal aid, etc) said that's a bad idea as EASS made the language forceful for a reason. So I think I'll just preface it with the fact that I've been advised by EASS to send it. I'll fill in the blanks in the letter after my exam in a few weeks then send it. I'll update you all! Thanks so much; it's always so good to talk as my whole former church family from whom I got so much support and sustenance is ignoring me. You all are God-sends.
I'm really glad that some of our advice has helped. I know it's hard, but please try not to doubt your moral worth - you sound like a really good person.
Don't apologise for being less coherent - I haven't noticed it here, and even if you aren't feeling coherent at the moment, that's okay I have noticed I'm finding conversations more tricky at the moment, especially when it comes to speaking on the phone. I think it's harder to communicate sometimes if you're feeling anxious.
I've responded to this quite late, but I really hope your exam went well.
Thanks... I've been doubting my sanity through this whole ordeal and after learning about the 'emotionally manipulative' indictment I've been doubting my moral worth too; I didn't know how much I needed to hear that you disagree. I've never heard of Purple Ella - thanks for telling me! I've only heard of Aspie World. I'm very new to this community so thanks for your resources. Incidentally the NAS helpline/webform through which I sought advice on how to cope a month ago hasn't gotten back to me. I just watched a TedTalk by Dylan Dailor on autism and addiction (not just to alcohol/drugs but generally to wanting to be liked by NTs, and to anything that will take away the anxiety of being constantly judged and misunderstood by NTs); it really spoke to me. I wish the church would watch it, especially if they're honest about being inclusive. I really hope the EASS thing goes well. The Bishop's chaplain wrote back saying he'll pass on the complaint. Good news but doesn't help my anxiety and isolation meanwhile. Sorry I've become less coherent over the past weeks. Exam tomorrow but haven't been able to revise much because of anxiety and depression over this. Thoughts all over the place. I'm just writing because talking to you all seems to help prevent shut down events. Thanks again for being here
I think they need to think about their own behaviour before they start lecturing you on yours! What an awful way to treat someone. You certainly don't sound like someone who's emotionally manipulative.
I'm glad the EASS has your back Hope you're able to sleep better soon. If it helps with the sense of community, Purple Ella's doing a weekly YouTube livestream to support people through Covid-19 - that might be helpful? It's 4pm every Wednesday. I don't know if I've already mentioned that (my short-term memory is terrible, so I may be repeating myself)
Well just an update that my sister told me 2 days ago that my priest had called her on the day he cut off all contact with me saying that he felt I was 'being emotionally manipulative', while implying to her that he'd keep supporting me. She didn't know he cut off all contact until she found indirectly from my social media (we're not close). Aside from that accusation being hurtful and untrue, I now understand why the archdeacon was so defensive when I tried to talk to her, and said, 'God's not doing this to you, you're doing this to yourself' and 'There are just some behaviours that make participation in church impossible' (before denying she ever said those things 15 min after saying them). It's likely that my priest had told her I'm 'emotionally manipulative' and would find any chance to manipulate her if I could. It also makes sense why the neighbouring church also suddenly removed me from their group when this incident happened, before I even said a word there. When you paint someone as a manipulative predator, whether it is substantiated or not, people would rather believe it and be on their guard to be on the safe side. For 2 months the archdeacon's words and the neighbouring church's ostracisation have utterly bewildered me but it makes sense now. It might also explain why many people in the church refused to stand up to this.My friend told me that this is called gaslighting, so I looked it up on wiki: "Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem." It fits the church's response to me so far perfectly to an uncanny degree. It's self-evident which side is being manipulative here. (Still very hurtful though. That accusation that I'm 'emotionally manipulative' just will not leave my mind, even in my sleep. I took 4 promethazines 2 nights ago because I couldn't sleep because of this, and I still woke up twice in the middle of the night. Last night was a bit better because a friend called me. But tonight will be hard again. Also I just sent the letter so they have 28 days to reply. I know this means things are moving forward but it's just more agony of waiting for me. The EASS did say that I should report back to them whatever reply or non-reply the church gives in 28 days though, so at least I can take comfort in that they have my back.)
Good luck! It's all sounding like its heading in a good direction
I'm really glad to hear you're getting some support with this It's good that the EASS are taking this seriously.