Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I've recently been diagnosed with autism, which has helped make sense of much of my life.
However, the rector of my C of E parish church of 2 years, St George the Martyr Southwark, has recently conveyed at the start of March through the Diocese Safeguarding that he is no longer willing to support me in any way, in conversation, in prayer, in blessing (this was about 2 weeks before Covid measures here and has nothing to do with Covid). This led me to attempt to kill myself because I just couldn't cope.
This came as a complete shock to me as immediately up to that point of complete withdrawal, he'd consistently supported me for two years in weekly pastoral meetings, in being available for conversation, prayer and blessing after services and even phone-calls when I'm overwhelmed (as he still does for others). I've since learnt from a meeting with the Diocese that he'd been in constant 'confidential' meetings with the Diocese about being no longer 'able' to support me, despite my needs being non-confrontational and non-violent, even as he reassured me of his commitment to "walk with you always" and "I just wanted to repeat my willingness to support you", in speech and in writing as recently as late February. Now that I'm not allowed to contact him in any form, I'm not just unable to learn why he's done this to me but have been utterly depressed about being excluded from the same level of pastoral and spiritual care he still gives others, not just those with physical health needs but even ordinary people. The worst part is that because of Covid, he is now offering church members remote pastoral support by phone. Because I'm still on their mailing list (because by church law I'm still on their electoral roll), I got the email detailing this new measure of support by phone. However, when I tried to clarify this, I got an email from the Diocese expressly stating that this measure still excludes me, and that this offer of pastoral support is given freely to everyone else who have been worshipping at St George's with the specific exception of me. (Anyway, I later found out through someone who took me out for lunch after this happened and helped me process things a bit that this priest is just someone that I should never have trusted. I didn't know this because I never got involved with church management but apparently he's known to those involved in the church's management for constantly changing his ideas and behaviour, breaking promises and saying different things to different people, someone I should never have called a priest. But what's done is done.)
After learning about my autism diagnosis while in hospital from my suicide attempt, I've since tried to look up how to cope with a change as sudden and devastating as this (sudden, complete and inexplicable withdrawal of two years of consistent, reliable trust and support!). I read that I should find a 'new normal' as soon as possible but with Covid this is impossible as I can't get to know a new church and clergy because churches are closed.
Can anyone help me? It's so painful being surrounded by memorabilia (photos, confirmation cards, books) of my time at St George's, particularly that priest's support, knowing all that's come to an abrupt and inexplicable end but at the same time removing them would only make it worse by their noticeable absence. I'd appreciate any tips you can give. Every day I'm just fighting for the will to live. I really can't deal with something so abrupt and inexplicable as this. If it helps with your advice and tips, I have a further, older diagnosis of EUPD (the new term for BPD).
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, and the closure of churches due to the Covid-19 virus certainly can't be helping. I hope you will hear back from St Luke's, and that they will have a supportive attitude. What you've experienced at St George's isn't how church is supposed to work, and certainly isn't a Christian response to someone in need.
The rector of St Georges could probably learn a lot from reading the Diocese of Oxford's guidelines on "Welcoming and Including Autistic people in our Churches and Communities", I found it online, it's written by an autistic Christian. (My son, who has ASD, was bullied at our local church, and received very little support or understanding there, and I wish the people responsible had read this too.)
Best wishes.
Thank you so much for your empathy. I haven't heard back from St Luke's but I'll give them time since I only wrote to them on Friday. Unlike other churches short of staff during Covid, St Luke's now has 4 clergy so I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for a reply within the week. I'll also ask my uni chaplain to try to contact them and put in a plea for me.
Meanwhile, I've received a depressing final response from my last hope in this, a semi-retired but previously influential clergyman in this Diocese, whose wife who was inpatient with me at hospital insisted that I contact. He has done his best to help, even making calls, going above and beyond his duties and doing all this for mercy's sake, but has hit a dead end. He has said because of caring duties and Covid he can no longer help me and sadly will have to refrain from further contact with me. But I completely understand. Although it's very depressing, he didn't just ghost me like the priests at St George's and Christ Church Southwark, and never made any promises he didn't keep, and personally communicated his reasons for having to cut me off, was polite and sincere in his closure, which for some reason brings me a peaceful kind of depression, instead of an anxious and helpless one.
I'm so sorry your son was bullied and received very little support - I can only empathise but sadly as is evident in my efforts to plead to the Diocese there's nothing much churches are willing to do about this. I must say St George's has its fair share of happy autistic children so the rector and Diocese probably think they're very good at this and I'm just faking it or exaggerating. Sadly, adult autism can have very different needs from autistic children. The latter tend to have good family support and school adjustments, whereas the former can have poor relationships with their family (I was abused by my parents as a child and although they are much better now, trauma can't be erased, just as trauma from being abandoned and ghosted by St George's can't be erased and is nearing a crisis for me now), limited uni support (lecturers aren't 'in loco parentis' like school teachers) and due to stereotypes of autism being only in children especially only in boys, churches or at least St George's tend to have zero empathy for autistic adults or young adults. Is there a way you could send that paper to your church or have you now left and found somewhere happier?
As for me, now that I've been blocked by St George's and Christ Church Southwark, there's no way I can get this paper to them, since I can't even ask for a blessing. I can only hope that I'll finish my degree in London despite the constant death-wishes and pursue a post-grad degree in Oxford where the churches hopefully would've read that paper and be more understanding.
My prayers are with your son and as you're a church-goer so presumably religious, please pray for me too. I've found no recourse at all in trying to make a new start, only more abandonment, ghosting and denial. And I thought Lent was all about forgiveness and reconciliation...
Just checking in. How are you today? If you ever need to talk like you did with church just pop a thread up on here. All the best
Thanks so much for checking in! Sorry I haven't been notified of the responses lately - not sure why as the site says my notifications are still on. I've popped in some replies... unfortunately things are getting unbearable for me. I thought I could hold out until Covid measures are lifted and hope for a review of the measures, especially with OrinocoFlo's useful paper in hand. But every day it just gets more painfully obvious how everyone else at St George's is being supported and I'm not. And how inexplicable and preventable all this was, if only there were more understanding and carefulness. I'm not even allowed into the church's Whatsapp group just because my priest is in there, as if my sense of belonging to the church was all about him.