Published on 12, July, 2020
Everyone experiences things differently, of that there is no doubt. I’d like to gain other people’s perspectives, to gain other people’s view on the neurotype which we have in common, Autism. Perhaps through sharing, we can gain insight and help each other, or perhaps it might just be cathartic for people to share, in any case:What does your Autism mean to you?
I’ll start by conveying what my Autism means to me:
My Autism means freedom, from expectations of fitting in with the majority of people. My Autism means that I’ve forgiven myself for being different/odd/weird. I am as I am, as long as I kind and caring towards others to the best of my ability then that is good enough for me. I do not need other people’s approval for the way my brain functions.
My Autism means that I’ve finally found where I belong. My diagnosis has opened up a world of other autistic people who ‘get it’, who I can speak with on the same level. It was of course, a world that was always there, I just didn’t realise that I belonged before.
My Autism means I have a unique insight into how my youngest daughter’s mind works (nearly 3, also Autistic, still pre-verbal). It means that I can read her, translate her non-verbal communication (which too be fair she’s pro at) into verbal communication for those that don’t understand her. My Autism means that I can advocate for her, with ‘inside knowledge’ to family, nursery staff, professionals, etc.
My Autism means that I can advocate for other Autistic people. At support groups for parents of Autistic children; When my Autistic friends are struggling to get to appointments or do other tasks.
My Autism means that I‘ve found a purpose building community within the Autistic population. It led me to start my group for other autistic women in my local area. Because members of any tribe are stronger together as opposed to being dotted around on their own. Through this group I also learn about a lot of resources for both autistic adults and children and I signpost people who I meet, whether it is the lonely autistic adult who needs to find a social group or the parent who doesn’t know what to do to help their child. I’d love to be able to take this whole advocacy thing further actually, to be able to make more of a difference to the access to resources for autistic people but this at present is just an idea.....
Because I saw this post today, and today is a bad day, autism means I get confused, miserable, I panic, I hate myself. I look in the mirror and I see an ugly person with a bad posture. A weirdo, a loser, a mug. A total waste of space.
I’m really sorry to hear that you were feeling like this! Did anything in particular trigger you feeling like that? How are you now?
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Sorry, I've only just seen your replies here ( and some replies from others on this post - the workings of this forum never cease to amaze me!).
I'm sorry that you've been having such a tough time recently! Coming to terms with an Autism diagnosis can be really tough for some people, without a separation to deal with on top of that! 19 years isn't a short relationship either so I imagine that you're grieving both for the relationship as well as with knowing that you're Autistic?
It's difficult when you're on a very different page to your spouse. My husband and I have been on very shaky ground for several years now. Mainly because he's a total narcissist. Every difference of opinion or thing I do that goes against his will gets blamed on my Autism, before my diagnosis, my brain injury got the blame. Even him shrinking the kids clothes by putting them through the tumble drier got blamed on my Autism. Who knew! My Aspie superpower is apparently shrinking clothes! He doesn't 'get' Autism at all, which is even more concerning that our youngest daughter, who turned 3 yesterday, is also diagnosed with Autism (with language delay and I think she also has intellectual delay). He does annoying NT things too. Like incessant self aggrandisement. He's all about 'making a difference' and looking good to people external to the house at the expense of myself and the children. I really don't understand the whole 'look at me' mentality!
Sorry! I was trying to be supportive but have ended up complaining about my own situation. Do you have any support or anywhere that you can draw strength from in this difficult time?
When my brain starts getting flooded with negative, anxious thoughts. I try to distract myself, either by going out to do something or just finding something to do, no matter what that will take my mind off things.
Not trying to be a hero..but should you ever want to confide or just generally let out some steam, chat, ponder....by all means make contact as im generally around!
I do honestly believe though.. that NT and gps etc will never be able to grasp at all, the sheer hatred we can have towards ourselves and the constant and varying lack of focus and then intensely life draining obsession loops....to name but a view of the symptoms we all have to endure!
Dont give up hope....lets try somehow to find a gentle coping mechanism...A letting go so to speak!