Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
I am a new user from California, USA. I just turned 30 in late October. Just a few months ago I found out that I had Asperger's. I have struggled immensely in the romance department, and despite wanting to, I have never had a girlfriend nor had sex up to this date. In my entire life, I have probably been on around 7-8 dates with women. All of them were just first dates with different women that never worked out. I am quite socially awkward, shy, timid, anxious and nervous.
In addition to Asperger's, I have had social anxiety, generalised anxiety, on and off depression depending on my life situation, hypochondria, plus moderate to severe OCD including pure O and ruminations. Perhaps this entire combination of problems has hindered my dating life.
I live in a place with a huge social stigma against people who are older virgins, especially male virgins. Being a virgin even at 18 or 19 is considered way too old and can be cause for beration and criticism from others. Imagine my case at age 30. I have been berated and made fun of for being single and a virgin since I was age 13. Every year was receiving endless comments about virgin loser this and that, why I have no girlfriend, why am I still single so old, why I am so weird, why am I so shy, why I am so awkward, etc.
My social awkwardness has especially hindered my interactions with women. I often say and do thing very clumsily and weird, which probably makes me look unattractive. I have very poor flirting skills despite having read some articles about how to do so. My social skills are poor. My only source of socialising is attending socials from meetup.com and InterNations. Most of the time, the events are poor, and I often meet people who are, in my view and in my experience, toxic, lacking empathy, self-centred, arrogant and judgemental. Right now I would say that I have zero friends in real life, and just perhaps one or two distant acquaintances from meetups.
I studied in various degrees in university, so between ages 18-27 I was busy studying hard. This meant that I had zero social and dating life. All I did was lock myself in the room and study night and day instead of going out with friends or dating women. I feel like I have missed the prime years of my life, as well as the opportunity to socialise with fellow students from my universities. I have three degrees in STEM fields: biology, mathematics and chemical engineering. In the future I plan to study medicine in Italy.
However, all of this academic stuff is moot--I feel like I have sacrificed my entire life to my studies, such that now at 30, I have no friends no girlfriend/wife. I feel alone and the multiple rejections plus negative comments that I have received from women about my being single and virgin at this age have affected my self-esteem. In the past couple of months, I have slowly but steadily been working on increasing my self-esteem and self-confidence. However, this Christmas made me fall a bit into a mini-depressive state. I spent Christmas alone, no friends no girlfriend, just me alone.
I feel like as time passes by, it is getting harder and harder for me to attract women. I have endless amounts of faults and negative traits, plus I often hear negative comments about how most women do not want a virgin and single guy who is this old with zero relationship/sexual experience. It feels really depressing to hear this.
My mother has Asperger's, plus was a virgin until age 27. She has a milder case than I do, but I notice that problems with romance, plus ASD, seem to run down my mother's side of the family. My late maternal grandfather most likely had Asperger's, and was a virgin until almost age 50. In fact, the reason that I probably had such an old grandfather was because he got married and had children so late in life. He was born before the end of the First World War.
I feel like I have a lot to offer as a potential boyfriend to any woman out there. I would like to think that I am not of low intelligence. I am brutally honest, which means that I am not one of those guys who is a pathological liar nor plays games. I am a caring person who is not arrogant nor self-centred. But still, I feel like these qualities are not really considered positive. Or if they are, that my many negative traits are seen as outweighing the positives.
This holiday season, especially with New Year this Wednesday, has made me feel a bit down about my situation. Every day I dream of the day that I finally meet some woman and I can finally be at least somewhat happy and not alone doing everything by myself. But that dream I have been having since I was 13 in 2002.
I am back to update. You can see my earlier posts, I am the 33 year old guy with apsergers who visits escorts because I am in the same boat and never had a girlfriend. As a teenager, I only kissed a girl once, which was when I was in the adolescent psych ward when I was 13, I kissed a girl on the unit (another patient, she was 14). Other than that, nothing. I lost my virginity when I was 30 and began regularly going to escorts and have now slept with 29 different girls. However it still leaves me lonely because without the intimacy and companionship its just a meaningless physical act.I mentioned on my previous post that I was going to do my overnight with one of my regular escorts, who charges at a fairly decent price (only $500 for whole night). I went ahead and did it, in fact used my second stimulus on her (I live in the US). It was well worth it, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. It was more like an adult sleepover and I really enjoyed it, I enjoyed sleeping under the covers cuddled with her, more than us having sex before bed. So happy.Now most people would say I was crazy for wasting my second stimulus on one night, but they do not understand the struggles someone like us with AS face. Being 33 and never having had a girlfriend, this was the very first time in my life I have spent overnight with a girl in bed (all my other encounters have been just sex and leave). I compare my overnight to like a one time vacation to a country I have always wanted to visit. Something very worth it and again something only AS people can understand. Now the girl who I did the overnight with is one of my regulars who I consider myself "friends with"I have about 3-4 other regulars I see, who I have gotten to know on a personal level and text to say hi between sessions or sometimes grab pizza or fast food or I help them out by giving them a ride. Its their companionship I enjoy more than the sex. I see one of my "friends" once a week, so yeah in essence I get sex once a week on average.So for all of you on here who complain you are still virgins, sex is overrated. Take it from me, yes it was very exciting the first few times but after having it so much with so many different girls, it gets boring fast (I have been with 29 different girls).Honestly its the companionship and intimacy of a relationship that matters and what I have never had. Its sad to go somewhere in public (worst in summer months, at least in the winter everyone is inside) to see young couples walking on the beach holding hands, holding eachother and watching the sunset together or enjoying dinner at a restaurant - all the sex in the world cannot equate to that.So yeah its a tough world out there and being born with AS is an unfair curse that denies all of this and leads to a life of loneliness and depression. Hence I am already feeling lonely after last week's overnight with my "friend" and not even horny for sex, human emotional intimacy is all that matters.