How do neurologically typical people feel & experience life?

Hi! NT here, 23 years old, married to an autistic man (29 years old), so I can make a few comparisons. Please note that I have anxiety and depression, and introverted, so in some cases, I feel the same about social interactions as my husband, but try my best to answer these from an NT point of view.

• How does the world *sound*? Is it muted, filtered by attention etc?

It's definitely filtered by attention. I usually notice constant background noise, but with time I don't notice it, if for example it's like the train, or airplane "humming", or people chatting in restaurants. But I know that for my autistic husband it doesn't go away.

• How does eye contact *feel* when experienced as something that you *want* to do? Even with strangers?

Usually I don't notice if I do or don't. In an usual NT conversation body language is not something we usually actively pay attention to. I only watch out for body language, if it's really important for me how the conversation goes, how interested are they, etc, like with a job interview.

• What's it like to be drawn to want to be with a group of other people?

My experience is more at the workplace, since in my free time, if I'm not forced to, I don't really "choose" to be a part of a group, it's really exhausting for me. I prefer one-on-one conversations. But let's say at my workplace I really like if people include me to their group, for example they ask me to come along with them when they go for a lunch or coffee. It's not necessary that I "drawn to want to be" with them, it's more about the gesture, in my case. It feels good that they like me that much that they include me, but it usually comes from my anxiety telling me that no one likes me. So it's kind of good that sometimes people "prove" otherwise.

• What's it like to enjoy a day out with friends, and not be exhausted (except in a tired & content kind of way)?

Well I'm not the person to answer that. Even when it's on one-on-one, I get exhausted and overwhelmed as well, and feels good to recharge alone.

• What's it like to be thrilled at the prospect of going out every single evening for days in a row?

That's an another question I can't relate to, I apologize for that. To be honest, going out requires a lot of planning on my side as well, not only my husband's side. Who's going to be there? How big is that place? Will there be restrooms? How will we get home? If we have to leave early (because of me or because of my husband, doesn't matter), how can we do it? What should we wear so we look like we belong? Etc. So I'm only "thrilled" when someone mentions that they wants me/us to come along somewhere, but as I mentioned before, only because of the "validation" that they like me/us.

• What's it like to want to ask other people where they went on holiday, and be interested in what they tell you about where they went and what they saw?

Honestly, I only care if they are close friends or family, or if I'm interested in the place they went to. But usually, if I ask someone, it's more about the gesture, and about being polite. Sometimes I do it, because I put myself in their place (something my husband can't relate to), so I know that if they would ask me, I would feel better.

• What's it like to say the opposite of what you mean, because for e.g. you're being polite, and yet know that everyone knows what you actually mean?

Sometimes I compliment people's things I know they put a lot of effort into. Like when they dress up nice, or do their nails nice, even if I personally don't really like it, I compliment on it, just to let them know that I noticed their effort.

But if I really have to say the opposite what I mean in a polite situation, like when my boss asks me if I would like to do something, and it feels like I have to, I don't really put too much thought into it. Or sometimes I try to tell something what's partly true, to not be just a flat-out lie.

• What's it like to wish that you had more time for travel, seeing family members, more face to face meetings etc?

I really like traveling, but because of the beautiful places, and not to meet new people. I really get excited when I travel, and I can't really explain it. I like to experience different cultures, but for me it's more about knowing more abut the world surrounding us. My husband always comes along with me, and he just confessed lately that he actually doesn't like to travel, because it's too much new things for him, also disrupting his routine, and he only does it for me, but it's bearable, because I'm there with him, and it's like a "safe place" for him.

Seeing family members is a complete different story though. Really depends on who is the family member, since I don't really like all of them. But if there's someone I like, I'm genuinely excited to meet them, and see if they okay.

These are things I can't really explain, and I apologize, because I think you were looking for an explanation.

• what’s it like to just show up at places, unprepared, happy go lucky and without meticulous planning?

Depends. Sometimes I'm in a mood for just a spontaneous meet up, but only if I know the person and the place well. Otherwise it feels really bad, and I get really anxious, so I can't enjoy myself like other people expect me to.

• what’s it like to just eat whatever someone serves and enjoy it?

Well I'm a picky eater, so eating someone else's place always been a hard thing for me, because chances are, they will serve something I don't like. So if I really hate the food, I just say I'm full. But I try my best to try new foods as well.

• what’s it like to think of a friend, dial their number and start chatting to them?

I never do that, my generation is more about texting. It's much better, because instead of "forcing" them to stop whatever they're doing in that moment, I send them a reminder that I was thinking about them, and they can answer when it suits them. For me, spontaneous phone calls are for emergencies, when I require an answer immediately.

• what’s it like to see someone you recognise , such as a neighbour, coming down the street and look forward to a chat?

I don't really go for a chat, if they do, it's fine, but usually I just say hi if I have to (okay, not have to, but otherwise I would seem rude), but I hope it wont last long and I can go on with my life.

I hope I could help a little. If something is unclear (I'm not a native English), feel free to correct me.

Brilliant! Thank you Kassandra, this is exactly the sort of stuff that I was hoping for.

I'm particularly fascinated to have confirmed that the sensory experience is qualitatively *different*, in that background noise fades away and can be filtered out. 

I recognise a lot of what you say, because I'm an introvert as well as being autistic. I'm 100% with you on the idea that phone calls should be for emergencies despite being i my 50's ! Going back another generation to when landline phones were the only means to contact people, my parents have a really annoying habit of passing the phone around whoever is in the house at the time, as if I called to speak to the house rather than a specific person! I think this goes back to when phones were such an awesome novelty that everyone was excited to have a turn on the magic long distance "talk to someone who isn't here machine" :-)

I think I don't get the "being polite" thing! It seems to take almost physical energy for me to motivate myself to ask about details of another person's life, and it's usually planned and strategic, i.e. "I like this person and value their companionship and opinions, and I know that if I ask about their XXXXX that will help them value me, therefore I will ask".

I've lost friends when people have said the opposite of waht they mean and I've taken them literally, e.g. "Could you do X? No problem if not." Me: "Erm, in that case, no." them "Ra rah rah rah I was only being polite I'm appalled that you said no!".

I will come back to your reply and read it again - lots in there for me to think about, thanks again!

There's a lot of material around about what the world is like for autistic people, intended to help NT people understand autism, but nothing in the other direction intended to help autistic people understand typical people - quite naturally, as autistic people are in the minority I guess. It would be quite helpful to have "A guide to NT people for autistic people" :-).

I'm really glad that I could help!

Yes, I believe it's quite fascinating and useful that monotone background noises can just "disappear" for NT people. Sometimes that's why it's hard to understand what people on the autistic spectrum feel like. Lately when I'm with my husband, and I can see that he's nervous, I usually do a "scan" in our surroundings, to "re-feel" (I don't know if it makes any sense) the sounds and other sensations.

It must have been exciting to talk to someone who isn't there when it was a new thing

This "being polite" thing is sometimes difficult for NT people as well. For me, it basically goes what you're saying, I just don't really think about it that much. My main question for myself, when I want to be polite, is that "what would make me feel good/respected if I was in the other person's place?". But again, I know it for a fact that my husband struggles with putting himself in other people's place, so I don't know if that's a good advice.

I'm sorry to hear that you lost friends because of this "polite" thing. But honestly, if they can't take no for an answer, then you're better of without them anyway :)

I actually wonder why isn't there more material about how to understand NT people more for autistic people...

Anyway, I'm really happy that you found my reply useful. If I can help you or anyone with these things, feel free to message/reply me. I'm not saying this because it's polite, I really mean it But please note that I'm not an expert or trained at all. All my knowledge comes from experience or researches.

I'm really glad that I could help!

Yes, I believe it's quite fascinating and useful that monotone background noises can just "disappear" for NT people. Sometimes that's why it's hard to understand what people on the autistic spectrum feel like. Lately when I'm with my husband, and I can see that he's nervous, I usually do a "scan" in our surroundings, to "re-feel" (I don't know if it makes any sense) the sounds and other sensations.

It must have been exciting to talk to someone who isn't there when it was a new thing

This "being polite" thing is sometimes difficult for NT people as well. For me, it basically goes what you're saying, I just don't really think about it that much. My main question for myself, when I want to be polite, is that "what would make me feel good/respected if I was in the other person's place?". But again, I know it for a fact that my husband struggles with putting himself in other people's place, so I don't know if that's a good advice.

I'm sorry to hear that you lost friends because of this "polite" thing. But honestly, if they can't take no for an answer, then you're better of without them anyway :)

I actually wonder why isn't there more material about how to understand NT people more for autistic people...

Anyway, I'm really happy that you found my reply useful. If I can help you or anyone with these things, feel free to message/reply me. I'm not saying this because it's polite, I really mean it But please note that I'm not an expert or trained at all. All my knowledge comes from experience or researches.