Help with diagnosis as an adult.

Hi, this is a long post sorry! I am 33 (female) and trying to find out about a diagnosis.  I have had anxiety and social problems since childhood. I didn't want to go to school and would have to be physically dragged there most days. I would cry all day at school frequently and couldn't stop myself despite feeling embaressed. This was always attributed to a bad childhood that I had. I have had various tics my whole life that come and go. I get obsessions with various hobbies that come and go.

I don't go out or socialise as I feel awkward and get anxiety about how I act, come across as weird etc. I have never been able to hold down a job very long and despite being fairly academicly intelligent (I am completing a masters) have always found it harder to master tasks like using a new till, etc as fast as others. I am incredibly clumsy and have no coordination yo the point that I have thought I may be dispraxic. I have quit many college courses etc due to not being able to attend. The only way I got a degree is through the open university due to being able to set my own times etc, although most work is done last minute as I cannot help myself procrastinate.

I am overly sensitive and emotional and often find it hard to contain it. I have emotional irrational outbursts when I am stressed. I can't handle change. I am prone to addictive behaviours such as drinking and overeating. I have always felt weird and not normal. I have in the past worried I am narcissistic or have borderline personality because of this and spend. Most of my life feeling guilty because of this. I am frequently suicidal and am on antidepressants. I feel like I just can't cope with life. I over analyse in my head every human interaction I have until the point I feel I'm driving myself mad. I have wondered for a few years if maybe I could be on the spectrum as i have brothers with dyslexia and dispraxic and a nephew with global developmental delay and non verbal autism, and the rest of my family exhibit autistic traits. But have always been scared to go to the doctor in case they laugh at me. My doctors are not very good as it is, when I went crying telling them I was suicidal he just said "but you won't do it will you?" and sent me away with a slightly higher antidepressants dose.

The thing that has upset me the most is my husband works with people with learning disabilities including autism. He is not medically trained and has no academic training, but has been a support worker to them for many years. Last night I told him how I felt thinking I may have autism or be on the spectrum, as he knows how much I suffer trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and he just completely shot me down saying I don't have it, I don't have any of the traits he sees in people.he has said many times he thinks I have personality disorder, or schizophrenia, etc instead. I tried to explain that I think I have taught myself to camouflage over the years (I practice conversations, taught myself how to use eye contact, etc) but he just got angry and told me to go to the doctor for an assessment then.

I'm so shocked and it really hurt as I told him how hard it was to talk about and admit to him these things are. He apologised, but doesn't seem to get that he shouldn't have treated me like that. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, or if it is bad of me to think I might be autistic. I'm so confused. Any help would really be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.