Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, this is a long post sorry! I am 33 (female) and trying to find out about a diagnosis. I have had anxiety and social problems since childhood. I didn't want to go to school and would have to be physically dragged there most days. I would cry all day at school frequently and couldn't stop myself despite feeling embaressed. This was always attributed to a bad childhood that I had. I have had various tics my whole life that come and go. I get obsessions with various hobbies that come and go.
I don't go out or socialise as I feel awkward and get anxiety about how I act, come across as weird etc. I have never been able to hold down a job very long and despite being fairly academicly intelligent (I am completing a masters) have always found it harder to master tasks like using a new till, etc as fast as others. I am incredibly clumsy and have no coordination yo the point that I have thought I may be dispraxic. I have quit many college courses etc due to not being able to attend. The only way I got a degree is through the open university due to being able to set my own times etc, although most work is done last minute as I cannot help myself procrastinate.
I am overly sensitive and emotional and often find it hard to contain it. I have emotional irrational outbursts when I am stressed. I can't handle change. I am prone to addictive behaviours such as drinking and overeating. I have always felt weird and not normal. I have in the past worried I am narcissistic or have borderline personality because of this and spend. Most of my life feeling guilty because of this. I am frequently suicidal and am on antidepressants. I feel like I just can't cope with life. I over analyse in my head every human interaction I have until the point I feel I'm driving myself mad. I have wondered for a few years if maybe I could be on the spectrum as i have brothers with dyslexia and dispraxic and a nephew with global developmental delay and non verbal autism, and the rest of my family exhibit autistic traits. But have always been scared to go to the doctor in case they laugh at me. My doctors are not very good as it is, when I went crying telling them I was suicidal he just said "but you won't do it will you?" and sent me away with a slightly higher antidepressants dose.
The thing that has upset me the most is my husband works with people with learning disabilities including autism. He is not medically trained and has no academic training, but has been a support worker to them for many years. Last night I told him how I felt thinking I may have autism or be on the spectrum, as he knows how much I suffer trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and he just completely shot me down saying I don't have it, I don't have any of the traits he sees in people.he has said many times he thinks I have personality disorder, or schizophrenia, etc instead. I tried to explain that I think I have taught myself to camouflage over the years (I practice conversations, taught myself how to use eye contact, etc) but he just got angry and told me to go to the doctor for an assessment then.
I'm so shocked and it really hurt as I told him how hard it was to talk about and admit to him these things are. He apologised, but doesn't seem to get that he shouldn't have treated me like that. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, or if it is bad of me to think I might be autistic. I'm so confused. Any help would really be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.
Hello :-)
It's not you, it's them (the rest of the world).
I'm similar. Worried about narcissm, get trapped in routines (food, clothes, activities), worries about dyspraxia, felt clumsy and stupid as a child, possible Ehlers Danlos syndrome, felt weird all my life, crippling social anxiety but superb actress 'on stage', love structures, unable to cope with chaos and all abstract approaches, intelligent and insightful but utterly incapable of navigating higher education (stumbled badly through my degree); frequent burn outs at work, totally reliant on logic, I mask myself from the world; wanting to be dead, depression, studied psychology to try and cure myself (ha!), cant read between the lines but have a 6th sense for ulterior motives (because I've studied human behaviour all my life while teaching myself how to be a human being). Have to write everything down to process it (I've given up with verbal expression to quite an extent). Plus now I'm peri-menopausal which seems to bring out the worst of my ASD tendancies. I've been building up to getting diagnosed for about 15 years (prized procrastinator). I've had three opportunities recently to speak about why I think I am ASD to professionals; the first time failed spectacularly because I was asked to respond verbally on the spot (puh!) the next two I just said straight from the get go - I'm going to read out why I want to be referred/think I am ASD from what I've written down.
Sounds to me like your husband can't see Aspie girl traits. Makes me mad when people say about my daughter (currently waiting for ASD assessment) that she doesn't show the typical ASD behaviours (she saves her meltdowns for after school!) - what they mean is she doesn't act like an ASD boy (no eye contact, likes spinning things, obsessive with objects/topics) so how can she be ASD? We Aspie girls are different, right? Its not the same as boys, female Aspie traits are more nuanced. I think my husband reckons I'm trying to jump on the same band wagon with diagnosis; but it's become more important to me to get a formal diagnosis - I need the support at work because as I approach 50, working full time in a stressful job with two young children, I find I'm less able to cope with the psychological strain of masking my ASD. So I'm getting my ASD assessment for me regardless of what anyone else thinks and so should you.
My tips:
Google the NHS service for Adult ASD assessment in your area - there will be a mixture of NHS and private routes.
Write your own essay on why you think (know) you are ASD - take your time and do it over a couple of weeks if you need that time to capture all those little thoughts
Go to your doctor and ask direct for a referral; read the doctor your essay and say you struggle to express yourself verbally
If the practice doesn't know how to refer you, phone your local Clinical Commissioning Group (CCG) and ask for the project manager who deals with adult mental health - get the guidance and pass it on to your GP.
Wait.
Sounds like you have found the right place to get support on this forum. I just registered, read your post and replied. I feel better knowing there are other people like me out there that I can connect with. Thanks for posting and I hope you feel able to take the next step :-)
Thankyou. It does feel nice to not be so alone in feeling like this. Although I hope it gets better for you and everyone else feeling like this. It does terrify me the idea of going to ask for help and being told I'm imagining things that I've had and felt and suffered with my whole life. I think taking something with me is a great idea as I do have trouble talking in person. I will do that.