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Anyone understand "Banter"

mars36

I work in a male dominated industry and maybe this also applies to more mixed or female work places too but most of my colleagues indulge in "banter" where they trade ever increasing insults to the point where I am cringing with embarrassment ,I say this as an observer I stay well clear of any of this and have no wish to ever do so  for fear of saying the wrong thing ,I listen sometimes and think they have really crossed the line this time but no offence is taken ,but I would be always be thinking I had  upset someone even if it appeared I had not, occasionally someone will try to do this to me and I just do not know how to respond usually its someone who does not know me those that know me don't bother, I get the humour behind it all but  this to me is a hidden mine field of invisible trip wires and have no idea what the rules are so as I say stay well clear of it ,but does any one else have this experience particularly the cringing embarrassment .    

  • in reply to NAS64565

    yea i can kind of relate to that too

  • in reply to Whats-His-Face

    i stay well clear of banter as i dont understand the boundaries i dont understand the boundaries on normal stuff never mind banter  i can also get very upset easily as i can take what said very literal especially if it starts to get directed at me then im left with it going round in my head for days wks or even months 

  • in reply to Plastic

    Nicely done Plastic, their the type of 'jokes' that make me really uncomfortable, the homophobic or similar I think its tantamount to bullying really so I like that you volunteered to be an allie

  • in reply to mouse2

    In the absence of rules and order, I set my own standards of correct behaviour - I can never be measured as deficient by anyone else.

    I 'upped the ante' slightly - they were all middle-aged, sexually repressed, homophobic, sexist pigs - so amongst other things I did, I volunteered to be one of the company's LGBTQ allies,,,,,,  Smiley

  • in reply to Plastic

    Interesting that you also dressed smart, acted professional when others didnt. I also did this in recruitment (awful job btw) and I got ridiculed by the owner and manager. I also didnt understand the banter. I tried to fit in with it but obviously said the wrong things at the wrong times. I just dont understand it all. They made life hard for me until I felt I could take no more and I left. I dont understand the ridicule. Now I know why I dont understand them I no longer try and am trying to find me

  • Iโ€™m not too bad with banter, I understand it and can join in(if my mood allows it) my difficulty comes with differentiating between banter and bullying, Iโ€™ve had people point out to me that Iโ€™m being bullied and I was oblivious to it. 

  • I changed department at work and moved into an open-plan office that was all male.    

    I felt very different - I always wore shirt & tie - they were in  casual wear, some were in boiler-suits.     They traded insults and animal noises to each other.    Sometimes random quotes from films got shouted.   It was very weird.

    It was just like being in a very noisy monkey-house in a zoo.   I really didn't fit in.   

    I studied their behaviour and noticed that any new-starters were exactly copying the behaviours within 6 months.  I could see the desperate need for them to fit in and be accepted by the troupe.

    I could have joined in and faked it very easily - but the whole thing stunk of social control and power-games.     I deliberately didn't play to see what happened.     

    They treated me with kid gloves - they had no idea how to treat this outsider within their midst that didn't obey the social norms.    I found it interesting how anyone coming into the office homed in on me as I looked the most professional - they thought I was in charge.     The others clearly hated that..   Smiley

    I ramped it up slightly by adhering to the clear-desk policy - everyone else had piles of junk on their desk - I went for utter minimalism.   Smiley

    It was a fascinating social experiment........   Smiley

  • Very interesting question.

    I think if a group of four or five people who know each other fairly well are using banter that's okay as long as everyone knows the rules. BUT: the second a new person enters the room everything changes! It's a whole new kettle of nuances.

  • I think it serves numerous purposes - people do it for humour and entertainment (especially common in the boring jobs I've worked), to start a conversation, to exercise their wit, and to test the boundaries. Like you say there is the worry that you'll say the wrong thing - I think that's part of the plan, because then they know what they can and can't talk/joke about in a more serious situation. It's basically one of those arcane social skills that don't come naturally to everyone. It's not required but can be useful.

    It was confusing to me the first few times, because I saw a lot of football banter. Where I grew up, people got jumped for supporting the wrong team (which is always the other team, from the attacker's perspective). Thankfully I don't support a football team, or that could've gone terribly wrong Stuck out tongue

    There's nothing inately malicious about it so it's usually nothing to worry about, though some malicious people can use it to bully others as well.

    If you ever want to try your hand at banter, here's some tips:

    DO start with something unimportant like their haircut, their mannerisms, their tastes, something like that.
    DON'T slag their family or religion unless you know what you're doing.