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Do you reciprocate disproportionately with friends/colleagues/partners?

Nessie

I've always had a tendency to either over- or under-do it when it comes to reciprocation. For example, often I am so grateful that someone has been even vaguely nice to me that I'll buy them a gift when probably a simple 'thank you' would suffice. Similarly, in romantic relationships in the past, I've found myself feeling so grateful to the other person for 'putting up with me' that I've 'put up' with sleeping with them even though I don't want to (I've since realised I'm asexual). Alternatively, I'll find I pay for everything so I won't feel that I 'owe' anyone anything.

Obviously a big part of it comes down to terribly low self-esteem (and after decades of bullying as an undiagnosed autie, that's not surprising), but I also think I often misjudge the situation and, rather than seem rude, I go too far the other way. I've been thinking about it a lot today because I'm trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding and realised the 'friends' I have on my list fall into this category rather than being valued relationships that I actually wish to continue, nurture or sustain in some way.

Do you reciprocate disproportionately? If so, do you have any tips on how to find the right balance? Thanks ever.

Parents

  • I find it hard to gauge and i don't understand why it wouldn't be tricky for anyone.   After all, how are we supposed to know what's proportionate, at what stage in a relationship, in what circumstances and with which individuals?  I don't think there can be a rule of thumb and yet I'm sometimes aware of falling short of this non existent rule.  Very mixed feelings about it.  :(  :) 

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  • I find it hard to gauge and i don't understand why it wouldn't be tricky for anyone.   After all, how are we supposed to know what's proportionate, at what stage in a relationship, in what circumstances and with which individuals?  I don't think there can be a rule of thumb and yet I'm sometimes aware of falling short of this non existent rule.  Very mixed feelings about it.  :(  :) 

Children
  • in reply to Jenny Butterfly
    Jenny Butterfly said:
    how are we supposed to know what's proportionate, at what stage in a relationship, in what circumstances and with which individuals?

    You've put that incredibly well, thank you. I think that is absolutely the issue here—too many social variables to assess and interpret, and it's an analysis that's often required to be instantaneous too. No wonder I almost always get it wrong. I wonder if it actually would be possible to come up with a rule of thumb based on a combination of the person's personality type, the size of their gesture, and how long you've known them? Hmm... I feel a matrix coming on.