Do you reciprocate disproportionately with friends/colleagues/partners?

Exactly, I agree completely.

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

I would have had a very small wedding if I'd stuck to people I wanted to nurture something with! :-)

:-)

I talked this over with my fiancé last night and I've realised it's time to hit the reset button on my social circle because I'm exhausted by maintaining fake friendships. As it is, we've decided to do a split wedding—a very small ceremony with our closest family followed by tea and cake next summer, then a larger party with all the extended family and old family-friends in the autumn. I'll just tell my 'friends' about the first part so they won't be offended about not being invited, but it'll also help create some distance between us that I can then build on as I gradually drop them from my life.

Jenny Butterfly said:

how are we supposed to know what's proportionate, at what stage in a relationship, in what circumstances and with which individuals?

You've put that incredibly well, thank you. I think that is absolutely the issue here—too many social variables to assess and interpret, and it's an analysis that's often required to be instantaneous too. No wonder I almost always get it wrong. I wonder if it actually would be possible to come up with a rule of thumb based on a combination of the person's personality type, the size of their gesture, and how long you've known them? Hmm... I feel a matrix coming on.

Yes - I find it very hard to judge motives and my overwhelming need (compulsion?) to 'do the right thing' means I'm often in this quandary.    

I prefer to be in the +ve side as then I can satisfy the need to not be thought badly of.    If I have behaved honourably and things end badly, I can sleep knowing that I behaved correctly.

I also have the added complication of feeling extra guilty if I know the person 'giving' is financially worse off than I am - it adds another layer of balance measurement.    Something trivial to me has more weight/value to them.   Trying to judge 'appropriate' is really difficult.

This is just awesome - one of my favourite quotes. Aligns well with my user name :-)

Nessie said:

For example, often I am so grateful that someone has been even vaguely nice to me that I'll buy them a gift when probably a simple 'thank you' would suffice

Yes.

Nessie said:

Obviously a big part of it comes down to terribly low self-esteem (and after decades of bullying as an undiagnosed autie, that's not surprising), but I also think I often misjudge the situation and, rather than seem rude, I go too far the other way

Same here, I I think.

Nessie said:

I've been thinking about it a lot today because I'm trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding and realised the 'friends' I have on my list fall into this category rather than being valued relationships that I actually wish to continue, nurture or sustain in some way.

I don't envy you that. I would have had a very small wedding if I'd stuck to people I wanted to nurture something with! :-)

I find it hard to gauge and i don't understand why it wouldn't be tricky for anyone.   After all, how are we supposed to know what's proportionate, at what stage in a relationship, in what circumstances and with which individuals?  I don't think there can be a rule of thumb and yet I'm sometimes aware of falling short of this non existent rule.  Very mixed feelings about it.  :(  :) 

Love that series

Yes I feel the way you do as well. I often come across as rude because of my reaction to certain things, such as someone bringing me a drink or buying me a present. The reason for this is because I then know I I've got to do a kind gesture for the person, like buying them a drink or present. So often I'll say "Thank you" or something like "Oh your shouldn't have". I know this comes across as rude but I can't help it. I don't see it as being rude.

I am useless with relationships - why I'm still single - and don't know how to act around others.

I wish I could give you advice or help with this but it is a problem for me as well so I'm afraid I'll be useless to you.

Isa x

I've just found that episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon explains his theory of gift-giving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BS05kUhc8w.