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Do you reciprocate disproportionately with friends/colleagues/partners?

Nessie

I've always had a tendency to either over- or under-do it when it comes to reciprocation. For example, often I am so grateful that someone has been even vaguely nice to me that I'll buy them a gift when probably a simple 'thank you' would suffice. Similarly, in romantic relationships in the past, I've found myself feeling so grateful to the other person for 'putting up with me' that I've 'put up' with sleeping with them even though I don't want to (I've since realised I'm asexual). Alternatively, I'll find I pay for everything so I won't feel that I 'owe' anyone anything.

Obviously a big part of it comes down to terribly low self-esteem (and after decades of bullying as an undiagnosed autie, that's not surprising), but I also think I often misjudge the situation and, rather than seem rude, I go too far the other way. I've been thinking about it a lot today because I'm trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding and realised the 'friends' I have on my list fall into this category rather than being valued relationships that I actually wish to continue, nurture or sustain in some way.

Do you reciprocate disproportionately? If so, do you have any tips on how to find the right balance? Thanks ever.

Parents
  • Nessie said:
    For example, often I am so grateful that someone has been even vaguely nice to me that I'll buy them a gift when probably a simple 'thank you' would suffice

    Yes.

    Nessie said:
    Obviously a big part of it comes down to terribly low self-esteem (and after decades of bullying as an undiagnosed autie, that's not surprising), but I also think I often misjudge the situation and, rather than seem rude, I go too far the other way

    Same here, I I think.

    Nessie said:
    I've been thinking about it a lot today because I'm trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding and realised the 'friends' I have on my list fall into this category rather than being valued relationships that I actually wish to continue, nurture or sustain in some way.

    I don't envy you that. I would have had a very small wedding if I'd stuck to people I wanted to nurture something with! :-)

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  • Nessie said:
    For example, often I am so grateful that someone has been even vaguely nice to me that I'll buy them a gift when probably a simple 'thank you' would suffice

    Yes.

    Nessie said:
    Obviously a big part of it comes down to terribly low self-esteem (and after decades of bullying as an undiagnosed autie, that's not surprising), but I also think I often misjudge the situation and, rather than seem rude, I go too far the other way

    Same here, I I think.

    Nessie said:
    I've been thinking about it a lot today because I'm trying to come up with a guest list for our wedding and realised the 'friends' I have on my list fall into this category rather than being valued relationships that I actually wish to continue, nurture or sustain in some way.

    I don't envy you that. I would have had a very small wedding if I'd stuck to people I wanted to nurture something with! :-)

Children
  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards
    I'm done with Christmas Cards said:
    I would have had a very small wedding if I'd stuck to people I wanted to nurture something with! :-)

    :-)

    I talked this over with my fiancé last night and I've realised it's time to hit the reset button on my social circle because I'm exhausted by maintaining fake friendships. As it is, we've decided to do a split wedding—a very small ceremony with our closest family followed by tea and cake next summer, then a larger party with all the extended family and old family-friends in the autumn. I'll just tell my 'friends' about the first part so they won't be offended about not being invited, but it'll also help create some distance between us that I can then build on as I gradually drop them from my life.