Ex husband with aspergers. No contact with his children

Thank you. That is helpful. I can relate to a lot of what you have said. He was able to cope with spending time with the children and doing all those things previously. Its since his illness that as a priority they have not been prioritised. I've made a small step since discussing the issue on here so hopefully we can turn a corner and get some contact again

Hi NAS64355, I've been in your ex's position (ASD though unknown at the time, and divorced) so I wanted to try to offer some thoughts. I'm aware that what I'm wanting to do is write down my experience, and I'll try to keep it focused on what might be helpful to you now. 

In common with many on the spectrum, I think, I found children a bit hard to relate to and more stress to look after than I anticipated especially when the initial wonder of having your own child wears off and then you add another child! Things that I believed (and still do) were differences in parenting style were interpreted by my ex as a lack of care, and this hurt and perhaps was one of the things that contributed to our break-up. She asked me to leave, and I remember comforting myself with the fact that living alone would be a lot less stress. 

Anxiety, caused by wanting to always do the right thing, worry about what might happen next, is a common theme in ASD.

Part of my autism, possibly, means that I don't deal well with fuzzy, half-situations; so if we're separated, we're separated 100%. My ex and I had what external observers (including our children) refer to as a "model divorce" i.e. amicable. But it still hit me like a brick. I had quite severe mental health issues for almost a decade afterwards. In the immediate aftermath I was somewhat terrified of my ex and hugely anxious if I was late picking up / dropping off our kids. 

So the first insight I might draw from above is that anxiety possibly plays a huge role with your ex, and perhaps the easiest way for him to avoid that anxiety is to keep his world totally separate from yours and the kids, as far as is practical. I think I can relate this to my experience. Not living with my children hurt enormously, but the anxiety of managing the new unknown world with its uncertainties and reminders of how things could have been (i.e. me "succeeding" at being part of a "proper" family) was too great for me to take much pleasure out of the second best solution of "access". In fact, "access" (which, I think objectively, was often more for my ex's convenience than my rights / enjoyment) just seemed somehow "wrong" and made me miserable sometimes.

The other thought is that whilst I think I am a good parent in a pair of parents, I'm pretty useless on my own and entertaining children is the least of my skills. Thinking up things to do with my kids when they visited was nearly impossible.

So to try to sum that ramble up:

• Anxiety can play a huge, enormous, role
• "Black and white thinking" makes the gradual disentangling of lives unpleasant and hard to manage (and the natural inclination will be to try to -perhaps consciously- deploy psychological defences such as pretend that the divorce was decades ago and the kids have grown up)
• Your ex may be at a loss as to what to do with the kids (and I would guess that no amount of suggestions will help because it needs to be his idea or it will only happen "under duress" and he'll resent it and that will reduce future contact / increase anxiety)

Hope that helps a bit - sorry it took so many words to get to the three bullet points!

Hi - yes - smoking is well known to significantly help colitis - maybe it's a stress-reducer - but my parents were heavy smokers and it's all a bit gross.     And expensive!

I hope you can make some progress with your ex - and that your children are able to accept whatever way things turn out. 

That's awful, I hope you find some thing to manage it better in the future. Weirdly smoking is supposed to help although that obviously brings other health issues! Thanks for the advice 

You're most welcome - I've gone through all the other meds over the years - which has damaged my kidneys and another that triggered viral encephalitis leaving me with chronic pain & fatigue and brain damage - but that's life - you re-group and carry on.  The steroids work so I stick with them.     The next level of meds carry a lot of warnings about sudden death syndrome - no thanks. 

It sounds like you're very realistic about his capabilities - he might find an older child easier to deal with - less chaotic - they can express their needs and often are happy just to sit their with their phone - but being in the same room as him is vital contact - have a chat to see if he might actually enjoy that contact.   It's a start.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have a few friends with ulcerative colitis.  It can be very debilitating. Stress and anxiety would obviously make it worse. Also from what I gather diet can help to some degree but it sounds like you are far beyond trying that. One of my male friends that has it has it bad and mostly uncontrolled has been trying new meds but no improvement yet as far as I'm aware:(.  You actually sound a little like my ex in that he is also normally very motivated and a positive outlook. His illness has broken him. He wouldn't turn us away but couldn't cope with me doing that as a regular contact. I'm going to contact him and advise re my ironic advice from two people with autism! Thank you

Hi - I have ulcerative colitis - pretty much uncontrolled so I'm always on huge doses of steroids - I feel crap most of the time but I'm an engineer - I spend my life solving problems so I can work around most of my health issues - I'm probably one of the most motivated people you would ever meet.      My asperger's means I can do almost anything - although some things take longer than others.     I realise that most people with chronic illnesses crumble under the numerous problems in their life and so it often becomes their major focus - usually negative - measuring all the things they can't do.     I work the other way around - just how much can I cram into my available health/energy levels.      Your husband is probably very depressed and feels like shutting himself away is the healthiest way to manage his problems - which, unfortunately, seems logical to him.

It's almost like a period of mourning - and he needs to snap out of it and look at the positives in his life - like his kids.

What happens if one of the kids just arrives on his doorstep - would he turn them away?     It might be a start - get him to deal with the eldest for a day - they are most self-sufficient so least drain on his resources and easiest for him to interact with.    Even sitting on the sofa with him watching a movie with a pizza would be a good thing for both of them,

Thank you this has been very helpful. His excuse is always that he is too ill. However the real issue is his anxiety and also as you described, 'ground hog day ' so nothing is ever going to change unless he does. He refuses to get any further medical help as believes he knows more than the medical professionals. Sigh. All the things you described above are both true and have been tried. I think in the new year i will approach him re regular contact again then let go if nothing comes to fruition. Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry you are also unwell. Without having any knowledge of your stress related illness. I would like to point out that perhaps the ground hog day analogy could also be applied here? Please don't be offended by that comment.... Thought it may help. Thanks again 

Well done for all your forbearance and keeping things on good terms as I can see how much emotional strain you are under here.

There were probably aspects of family life that he found excessively stressful because of his autism, so it might be worth identifying a couple of low-stress interactions he can comfortably maintain with your kids and then creating a written schedule of these so he knows exactly what to expect and when.

My guess is that the 'normal' stuff an absent parent might get involved with, like picking kids up from school or having a family meal (either at home or out somewhere), might be way too much. Would he be able to help the kids with their homework or a school project? Something quiet, sedentary and on a one-to-one basis may be more comfortable for him; and if you know that one of your children always gets maths homework set on a Tuesday, or the other always has spellings to learn on a Thursday, then the schedule kinda creates itself. Instead of staying for a family meal, maybe he could just have a cuppa with you after the homework is done to keep things friendly between you, but you would need to explain in advance that is your expectation, and make it clear that it is acceptable for him to say no.

I don't have any kids, but my brother has two girls, the eldest is about to turn 5, and her sister is coming up to 2. As an auntie sat there not doing a huge amount, I was comfortable when he just had the one as we could read or colour together, and that was fine. Now there are two of them I feel overwhelmed, because it's not just the two individually but the effect of them bouncing off each other as well, and it's not like I'm ever left alone with them. I can't even begin to imagine how much more complicated and stressful your ex will find it simply being in the presence of three. It's good that you're prepared to be around to help with that, but after the noise my brother's two made playing together last time I saw them, I've already made plans to spend Christmas elsewhere this year, and to be fair they are very quiet, well-behaved kids, who are in no way boisterous or rowdy, but it was still too much for my autistic sensibilities.

That's really unfortunate.    What's his excuse?    I'm seriously ill too - a stress related disease - I know that just managing to do 'life' is a full-time job as well as having to earn money too - it can mean that he literally has nothing left to give time to anyone else so he may have dropped into survival/bunker mentality - just concentrating on getting through one day at a time and kicking the can of responsibility down the road every day - probably genuinely intending to do something about it - tomorrow.   But tomorrow never comes - every day becomes Groundhog Day of just getting through the day.    He may be a lot more ill than he admits to.    

I'd try to ask him exactly where he is health-wise and what his plans are - point out the impact it's having on you and the kids and ask him to be honest about himself and his ability to be 'dad'.   Tell him he's had long enough to formulate a routine and that up until now, he's the one setting the rules by his inaction.   From there, if he wants to engage - you start setting and agreeing some firm dates that he 100% agrees to - where he will have no excuse.    If he flakes on those dates, you have your answer - you've done the best you can and it's probably time to write him off.

You must make sure all interactions with him are calm, friendly and emotion free - like a business meeting - or he'll get defensive and agree to things he cannot deliver to appease you - you need to see the calm, organised version of him to gauge his true intent.

It's complicated. As any break up!  He has a chronic illness which doesn't help. However it is no excuse as I literally have  offered to stay/be with him and the children when they visit he doesnt have to lift a finger. We are on good terms. I don't want my children to suffer and think badly of their dad.  Also it's unhealthy for their relationship too. However the longer it goes on i am worried i will have to move as its too upsetting for my kids living 200 yards from their dad and rarely seeing him

There are a couple of probabilities - first - he's an a-hole.    Can't really fix that.

Second is that his life is too stressful and by the time he sorts his brain out to find time for the kids, he misses the opportunity.    It might not be deliberate at all - it's just he can't process the big change in his life and rearrange his priorities to make things happen in the correct order.

I don't know what your relationship is like right now, but are you able to talk about this rationally?    Are you able to ask him what is going wrong?    These things are awkward and there's lots of anger involved - and his inability to deal with that will also make him avoid it - he won't be able to work out what to do - there are no obvious rules - so the end result will be inaction on his part.   

There is probably no deliberate neglect of his children - he just hasn't a clue what to do.

Would he be able to Skype with them?     It's low effort and simple to do - and it re-connects him with the kids and will constantly remind him of his obligations - and having simple success will level the playing field in his brain so he can make the next move - a regular physical meeting.   It can turn his chaos into something predictable - a tele-present dad!