Ex husband with aspergers. No contact with his children

It's complicated. As any break up!  He has a chronic illness which doesn't help. However it is no excuse as I literally have  offered to stay/be with him and the children when they visit he doesnt have to lift a finger. We are on good terms. I don't want my children to suffer and think badly of their dad.  Also it's unhealthy for their relationship too. However the longer it goes on i am worried i will have to move as its too upsetting for my kids living 200 yards from their dad and rarely seeing him

Well done for all your forbearance and keeping things on good terms as I can see how much emotional strain you are under here.

There were probably aspects of family life that he found excessively stressful because of his autism, so it might be worth identifying a couple of low-stress interactions he can comfortably maintain with your kids and then creating a written schedule of these so he knows exactly what to expect and when.

My guess is that the 'normal' stuff an absent parent might get involved with, like picking kids up from school or having a family meal (either at home or out somewhere), might be way too much. Would he be able to help the kids with their homework or a school project? Something quiet, sedentary and on a one-to-one basis may be more comfortable for him; and if you know that one of your children always gets maths homework set on a Tuesday, or the other always has spellings to learn on a Thursday, then the schedule kinda creates itself. Instead of staying for a family meal, maybe he could just have a cuppa with you after the homework is done to keep things friendly between you, but you would need to explain in advance that is your expectation, and make it clear that it is acceptable for him to say no.

I don't have any kids, but my brother has two girls, the eldest is about to turn 5, and her sister is coming up to 2. As an auntie sat there not doing a huge amount, I was comfortable when he just had the one as we could read or colour together, and that was fine. Now there are two of them I feel overwhelmed, because it's not just the two individually but the effect of them bouncing off each other as well, and it's not like I'm ever left alone with them. I can't even begin to imagine how much more complicated and stressful your ex will find it simply being in the presence of three. It's good that you're prepared to be around to help with that, but after the noise my brother's two made playing together last time I saw them, I've already made plans to spend Christmas elsewhere this year, and to be fair they are very quiet, well-behaved kids, who are in no way boisterous or rowdy, but it was still too much for my autistic sensibilities.

Well done for all your forbearance and keeping things on good terms as I can see how much emotional strain you are under here.

There were probably aspects of family life that he found excessively stressful because of his autism, so it might be worth identifying a couple of low-stress interactions he can comfortably maintain with your kids and then creating a written schedule of these so he knows exactly what to expect and when.

My guess is that the 'normal' stuff an absent parent might get involved with, like picking kids up from school or having a family meal (either at home or out somewhere), might be way too much. Would he be able to help the kids with their homework or a school project? Something quiet, sedentary and on a one-to-one basis may be more comfortable for him; and if you know that one of your children always gets maths homework set on a Tuesday, or the other always has spellings to learn on a Thursday, then the schedule kinda creates itself. Instead of staying for a family meal, maybe he could just have a cuppa with you after the homework is done to keep things friendly between you, but you would need to explain in advance that is your expectation, and make it clear that it is acceptable for him to say no.

I don't have any kids, but my brother has two girls, the eldest is about to turn 5, and her sister is coming up to 2. As an auntie sat there not doing a huge amount, I was comfortable when he just had the one as we could read or colour together, and that was fine. Now there are two of them I feel overwhelmed, because it's not just the two individually but the effect of them bouncing off each other as well, and it's not like I'm ever left alone with them. I can't even begin to imagine how much more complicated and stressful your ex will find it simply being in the presence of three. It's good that you're prepared to be around to help with that, but after the noise my brother's two made playing together last time I saw them, I've already made plans to spend Christmas elsewhere this year, and to be fair they are very quiet, well-behaved kids, who are in no way boisterous or rowdy, but it was still too much for my autistic sensibilities.