Ex husband with aspergers. No contact with his children

It's complicated. As any break up!  He has a chronic illness which doesn't help. However it is no excuse as I literally have  offered to stay/be with him and the children when they visit he doesnt have to lift a finger. We are on good terms. I don't want my children to suffer and think badly of their dad.  Also it's unhealthy for their relationship too. However the longer it goes on i am worried i will have to move as its too upsetting for my kids living 200 yards from their dad and rarely seeing him

That's really unfortunate.    What's his excuse?    I'm seriously ill too - a stress related disease - I know that just managing to do 'life' is a full-time job as well as having to earn money too - it can mean that he literally has nothing left to give time to anyone else so he may have dropped into survival/bunker mentality - just concentrating on getting through one day at a time and kicking the can of responsibility down the road every day - probably genuinely intending to do something about it - tomorrow.   But tomorrow never comes - every day becomes Groundhog Day of just getting through the day.    He may be a lot more ill than he admits to.    

I'd try to ask him exactly where he is health-wise and what his plans are - point out the impact it's having on you and the kids and ask him to be honest about himself and his ability to be 'dad'.   Tell him he's had long enough to formulate a routine and that up until now, he's the one setting the rules by his inaction.   From there, if he wants to engage - you start setting and agreeing some firm dates that he 100% agrees to - where he will have no excuse.    If he flakes on those dates, you have your answer - you've done the best you can and it's probably time to write him off.

You must make sure all interactions with him are calm, friendly and emotion free - like a business meeting - or he'll get defensive and agree to things he cannot deliver to appease you - you need to see the calm, organised version of him to gauge his true intent.

Thank you this has been very helpful. His excuse is always that he is too ill. However the real issue is his anxiety and also as you described, 'ground hog day ' so nothing is ever going to change unless he does. He refuses to get any further medical help as believes he knows more than the medical professionals. Sigh. All the things you described above are both true and have been tried. I think in the new year i will approach him re regular contact again then let go if nothing comes to fruition. Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry you are also unwell. Without having any knowledge of your stress related illness. I would like to point out that perhaps the ground hog day analogy could also be applied here? Please don't be offended by that comment.... Thought it may help. Thanks again 

Thank you this has been very helpful. His excuse is always that he is too ill. However the real issue is his anxiety and also as you described, 'ground hog day ' so nothing is ever going to change unless he does. He refuses to get any further medical help as believes he knows more than the medical professionals. Sigh. All the things you described above are both true and have been tried. I think in the new year i will approach him re regular contact again then let go if nothing comes to fruition. Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry you are also unwell. Without having any knowledge of your stress related illness. I would like to point out that perhaps the ground hog day analogy could also be applied here? Please don't be offended by that comment.... Thought it may help. Thanks again 

Hi - yes - smoking is well known to significantly help colitis - maybe it's a stress-reducer - but my parents were heavy smokers and it's all a bit gross.     And expensive!

I hope you can make some progress with your ex - and that your children are able to accept whatever way things turn out. 

That's awful, I hope you find some thing to manage it better in the future. Weirdly smoking is supposed to help although that obviously brings other health issues! Thanks for the advice 

You're most welcome - I've gone through all the other meds over the years - which has damaged my kidneys and another that triggered viral encephalitis leaving me with chronic pain & fatigue and brain damage - but that's life - you re-group and carry on.  The steroids work so I stick with them.     The next level of meds carry a lot of warnings about sudden death syndrome - no thanks. 

It sounds like you're very realistic about his capabilities - he might find an older child easier to deal with - less chaotic - they can express their needs and often are happy just to sit their with their phone - but being in the same room as him is vital contact - have a chat to see if he might actually enjoy that contact.   It's a start.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have a few friends with ulcerative colitis.  It can be very debilitating. Stress and anxiety would obviously make it worse. Also from what I gather diet can help to some degree but it sounds like you are far beyond trying that. One of my male friends that has it has it bad and mostly uncontrolled has been trying new meds but no improvement yet as far as I'm aware:(.  You actually sound a little like my ex in that he is also normally very motivated and a positive outlook. His illness has broken him. He wouldn't turn us away but couldn't cope with me doing that as a regular contact. I'm going to contact him and advise re my ironic advice from two people with autism! Thank you

Hi - I have ulcerative colitis - pretty much uncontrolled so I'm always on huge doses of steroids - I feel crap most of the time but I'm an engineer - I spend my life solving problems so I can work around most of my health issues - I'm probably one of the most motivated people you would ever meet.      My asperger's means I can do almost anything - although some things take longer than others.     I realise that most people with chronic illnesses crumble under the numerous problems in their life and so it often becomes their major focus - usually negative - measuring all the things they can't do.     I work the other way around - just how much can I cram into my available health/energy levels.      Your husband is probably very depressed and feels like shutting himself away is the healthiest way to manage his problems - which, unfortunately, seems logical to him.

It's almost like a period of mourning - and he needs to snap out of it and look at the positives in his life - like his kids.

What happens if one of the kids just arrives on his doorstep - would he turn them away?     It might be a start - get him to deal with the eldest for a day - they are most self-sufficient so least drain on his resources and easiest for him to interact with.    Even sitting on the sofa with him watching a movie with a pizza would be a good thing for both of them,