*Autistic Shutdowns collection* - Do you experience these ?

interesting, but are you static, standing/sitting still, in a dark room ?   driving !     just a little more detail, Desmond79 , please if you can.

My Shutdowns are mainly Dystopian thinking.

They do pass, however.

it's like you have a partial shutdown -- interesting  OR  you are really tough underneath and are somehow able to keep awake / fight the shutdown. A bit like a boxer that defies falling down even though they are knocked out and being punch repeatedly. 

The variation of shutdowns is really remarkable as in your account.

thanks for your contribution 

What causes shutdown for me is seeing or experiencing major change feeling like I cannot control the situation so I get all worried and anxious feel really weak and need to go and try and rest my head even though I'll be that anxious I won't be able to sleep. Need some time out away from people.

yea lack of sleep is truely dangerous. We dont appreciate what sleep does to keep us sane  .

https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/how-long-can-you-go-without-sleep

I had a nervous breakdown beginning of 2018.

I hadn't slept for 5 days, my mother was in the hospital, she had an epileptic seizure in my house on christmas day. I felt an enormous pressure on me to make sure my mother was well taken care of. During the five days lots of things happened and some things really raised my eyebrows...

To keep a long story short, after five days of not sleeping and noticing weird behaviour in my niece and in my brother in law, I collapsed. I wanted to fill out paperwork to have my mother's 'estate' handled by a third party, but I just couldn't focus on this... and I got into a panic, thought I was also epileptic... 

A very strange thing is that the fourth day of not sleeping, I was very frightened about going alone down in the house in the middle of the night. I also started to imagine that I needed to be careful not to frighten myself ... my daughter went to a party and she brought home a borrowed black laced dress... It hung in the garage. I imagined if I would come down the stairs at night, I might mistake that as a sighting of an evil spirit... so I put that dress away and explained this to my wife...

When you don't sleep for several days, your mind starts to do really strange things, ideas that were trivial on day one seem to be still around on day four and their significance becomes out of proportion... 

Lesson learned: if you don't sleep for three nights, seek help, it can really lead to dangerous situations...

thanks for contribution it all helps

sorry I dont know how I missed your reply. 

Thats a very detailed discription so thanks for that. So sorry you have been treated so badly in your life and in this account. 

Yea you have shutdowns and meltdowns ! They are pretty severe so I hope you dont have any more.

NT people have no idea what a shutdown or meltdown are, what they consist of, what to do, and so react really badly to them. 

Hope you find love out there in the world somewhere, you deserve it. 

I love your wee dog BTW ( in your profile ) so cute !

This is when you have the pressure of a deadline.  You are unable to process visual information, and loose your motor skills.  Performance anxiety leaves you unable to perform the most simple of tasks.

I will add one more thing. 

I have had some meltdowns at home that were less traumatizing than the experience above.

These usually involve me going into the bathroom, shutting the door, turning the lights off and I cry and hit my head against the wall. But these don't generally last any longer than 1 hour.

So, I find that my meltdowns are more "visual, loud, obvious" in contrast to my shutdowns which just look as though I am tired and emotionless.

I think that had my meltdown experience been better addressed by the group that I was with, that it would have only been a shutdown, and not progressed to a meltdown. I also find that the longer time I am in distress, the worse off I will be. I need people around me who are understanding and actually care about my distress. If it is an interpersonal issue (with individuals I know, not strangers), it needs to be addressed and discussed, otherwise it is extremely hard on me. I need to talk about it so that I can let it go.

Hello! I hope my info helps you.

(I would like to preface this with the fact that I am still in the process of getting diagnosed).

(There are some trigger warnings for when I discuss my Meltdown experience. I decided to add a meltdown as well to illustrate the difference between the two).

Shutdowns:

1. I stop talking, cannot focus on anything, loose appetite, retreat to a quiet place to be alone (usually my bedroom), I usually turn all the lights off. I do nothing and can stare at the blank ceiling for what feels like an eternity.

2. It feels like I have been overstimulated or overwhelmed to the point where I feel like my internal battery is at 0%. I cannot function, and forcing me to function is impossible. I usually end up falling asleep and will feel a little bit better after, however, depending on how severe it was it can take me a few days before I feel like I can take on my regular day tasks. I feel like I am dissociating. I need to be at home or go home immediately.

3. Very tired and it takes a while for me to 'return to normal'.

4. Triggers can include having an argument with someone or being forced to do something that is hard for me to do (ex. public presentations). Being embarrassed, or being around people who I perceive to be very rude to me (I cannot always tell if I am overreacting, It's very hard for me to feel like someone dislikes me because I feel like I am always trying so hard to make sure that people like me.) 

Meltdowns: (Potential trigger warning: dark thoughts, s*xual ass*ult).

I can only recall having one big meltdown (a couple of years ago). I found that having a meltdown was a lot more traumatizing than my shutdowns. 

My meltdown happened when I was having dinner out at a steak house (I am not a big meat eater, and I often become vegetarian for months on end due to experiences eating meat.)

I was on a trip, so I did not have access to a safe zone.

At the dinner table, the discussion turned to "how cows are slaughtered, etc."...

I asked that this not be discussed, but the conversations continued. I became silent because my request was not taken, and because this discussion had made me lose my appetite. I sat at the table silent for the rest of the night and did not eat anything else after that incident. Nobody tried to apologize, and in fact, people seemed too awkward to do anything. The individuals who started the whole topic that triggered me acted selfish and angry that it ruined my appetite, but they did not listen to my request, to begin with. They acted as if I was oversensitive and overreacting.

It is very hard for me to return to normal if the issue does not get addressed, but I could not find it in myself to speak. I can not talk when I am really upset. I did not have an ally at that moment either, so I felt completely alone.

Our group returned to the house that we had rented, and I immediately went to my room and followed my typical Shutdown procedure (all lights off, in bed, just trying to escape reality).

Nobody addressed me that night, they all watched a movie. (This upset me further).

The next morning I woke up earlier than everyone else and got ready because I didn't want to interact with anyone - I wanted to be alone, but I knew that we had already paid to do some tours. I still remained mute for the drive to the tour. Nobody addressed me.

As we were on the tour, one person addressed me, but because they did not like that I could barely answer them, it annoyed them. They got more upset and this triggered my meltdown. (I was upset that they got annoyed with me because in the meantime since the dinner, this person was having a relatively good time interacting with all of the other group, etc., whereas I had completely isolated myself, so I felt so completely alone and upset that they could still be having a good time with the group.) The group operated with what I considered to be normal conversation.

I genuinely felt like it was the group vs. myself. I felt like such an outcast. I had nowhere to go, I was in public among strangers, and because I felt so trapped and hopeless, I just started crying.

My crying seemed to further upset the group, I felt as if they were thinking that I was the one ruining the trip. I still feel that to this day because some of the people just don't treat me like a friend anymore.

I decided to walk away from the group. I find that I walk or pace a lot when I am very anxious.

I walked around in public feeling almost drunk and lightheaded because I could not stop crying. I was crying very intensely. I could barely see where I was walking. It felt like a nightmare. I felt so much distress that I was barely functioning, but I didn't know what else to do. I was waiting for the group to contact me to tell me when we had to leave.

Eventually, they contacted me and we left, but nobody addressed the issue in the car. 

This was the day we were heading home. Everyone wanted to grab lunch before we left.

I felt nothing like myself and continued to cry and cry and cry. In the restaurant at lunch, I just sat there with the group, crying. People at other tables were looking at me. I did not eat or order anything. I had not eaten since the dinner before (which I barely ate anyways). I was so lightheaded. I wished that I would just d*e. 

We left the restaurant, and our group split ways to drive home. I went immediately to the car, and tried to sleep. The other people seemed awkward about saying goodbye. I was not going to push myself to get out of the car to hug them because I was in so much distress. 

The person who upset me the most was in the same vehicle as me, and they were so angry, yelling at me... I managed to say something, but I forget what I said. (Something along the lines of "I can't do anything. I want to d*e".) They stopped saying anything and the majority of the car ride home was silent.

I felt at 0% but I was happy to be headed home, and not in public embarrassing myself anymore. (But I was still very distressed).

When we arrived home, the individual apologized to me. I said that I forgave them.

Having that meltdown felt like I was going through hell. Nobody in the group ever addressed it ever again. Nobody asked me if I was okay. These inactions have had a long-lasting impact on me. Even though I still see those people, the friendships are not the same. The people do not seem to respect me anymore. I think I got judged very harshly for my meltdown.

(I already have a hard time with interpersonal relationships as I was m*lested as a child by my cousin, and my aunt knew about it, but she has always gaslighted me about it saying that it never happened.) This experience definitely attributed more to my PTSD because once again I felt like my pain was not acknowledged.

I still get very upset when I am around the people who were in the group because I just don't feel valued anymore, and I still get the impression that they were all mad that I "ruined the vacation".

As I say, I suspect the blood sugar is not a factor in the shutdowns/dissociative feelings but it would be remiss if I didn't mention this as a co-condition that I have.

It's been really interesting reading some of the posts here (not all simply because so much (great) info). Thank you for encouraging people to put their experiences together.

I am no expert but to me you are having shutdowns. Shutdowns are really discussed much thus this collection.  S0 thanks for adding your experiences. Having type 1 diabetes is an added complication is your account then hey  they this will be useful for something with the same mix as you to read, so that detail is good. 

Thanks this account is most useful. A shutdown with Diabetic twist.

PS please mention your shutdowns in any autism diagnostic meetings.

thanks for this account R80  everyone is different . The first paragraph appears to be a shutdown so thats great. 

I have stopped alcohol completely.  I decided to stop drinking because it was getting out of control. It took 2 years for me to gradually reduce my drinking then one day after reading a book by Allen Carr I stopped. This then uncovered something else, I was autistic ! and I had been drinking to be more sociable. 

I have “shutdowns” when I can’t complete tasks that I have put a lot of thought into.  Which means everything.  They involve ignoring family, either by not picking up the phone or more often staring at something and refusing to respond. 

I put shutdowns into quotes because it’s a new term for me and I’m not 100% I’d use that term for myself.  Not as a derogatory tool to put down anyone else.

i need to be active all day every day until I’m satisfied.  If I get stopped midway through something or can’t finish a sentence then I act extremely immaturely until I regret it. This can take hours at most.  

I never used to allow myself to experience it, before diagnosis, I felt ashamed of feeling like it but never let it out.  I took a lot of drugs and drank alcohol heavily.  I still suffer with dependence but my wife monitors it.  

It feels like barriers have been destroyed. I relied on them not to hurt people or embarrass anyone and they’re gone.  I spent so much of my life building mechanisms to deal with ‘normal’ I don’t know what is me and what is cliche’

Sorry for going off subject a bit.  

The following may or may not be meltdowns(?) but I'll add as it seems that variation of experiences as to what somebody considers to be a 'shutdown' seems to be welcomed here.

I'll be interested to learn if what I put here is deemed/categorised as something else.

I have at times had periods in which there is so much pressure in some form that I cannot vocalise and become capable of only maybe stuttering before I stop trying on that front and then I can dissociate. My mind/spirit feels detached from my body, the world kind of silences out and my thoughts I guess become more still and clearer or like a bubble or cotton wool covered effect. This is perhaps not surprising if my body/nervous system has elected to deaden my senses. Presumably it's a kind of protective coping mechanism.

As the dissociation feeling has set in ((funny to call it a feeling as it's more a lack of feeling)), I may wish to self harm.

So, that's the experience in the moment ^ - so that kind of covers 1 and 2 below.

1. list the symptoms
2. describe the process you experience
3. describe how you feel afterwards please
4. what triggers it / is there always a trigger ?

4. what triggers it. In this nervous system shutdown thing, it's tended to have been brought on by intense feelings of shame and following a meltdown (for which shame was also a trigger). Part of the shame is of my own for say melting down but also my perception (which may be misperception, who knows?) of other people's contempt or disgrace(?) of me.

3. Afterwards, I may feel really quite shaky. Like an athlete coming off a bike in a triathlon if they've pushed themselves really hard. Also the mind is really shaky, like "What just happened? Oh, did it." You could tell me that 100 people just died in front of my eyes and I'd have a dispassioned 'oh' response. I'm generally a person that has a tendency to care too much sometimes and so it's quite interesting that this protection mechanism (if I can call it that) makes me do the opposite, to momentarily just not care at all.

In one early case (aged 16 or so), I lay in a room on holiday crying for a couple of days without seeing my family there. Sometimes I might recover in say several mins (time gets very elastic so I don't know how long really) to be able to talk and walk but the after effects may linger for significantly longer. Such as the 'disaffected' sense. So recovery times kind of vary.

How often do these experiences happen to me? I don't really know. I'll explain under point d) below why it is hard for me to say.

Here's a bit more info to help qualify things a bit.

a) I don't know if there's meant to be a distinct difference between dissociation and shutdown, or whether there's kind of a bit of crossover of the two.

b) I had a traumatic childhood involving physical abuse from the advent of my earliest memories, so the experiences I describe here may or may not be autism/Aspie related as far as I know.

c) I have type 1 diabetes and low blood glucose levels could conceivably play a factor in these. I know that with meltdowns, low blood sugar definitely ups the risk of meltdown for me (so can alcohol). I'm less certain of a link between low blood sugar and this kind of nervous system shutdown thing, however.

d) If I have either meltdowns or this kind of dissociation/shutdown effect, parts of my memory around it get wiped. It's like a corrupted disc. Some of the memory is there but, because of memory unreliability around this, I couldn't say 'defend myself against' someone if they said that I'd said or done X or Y.

In recent years, I've taken to writing down journal entries of my meltdowns (some of which were followed by this shutting down kind of effect).

anyone like to add their personal experience of shutdowns here  for the benefit of all those that follow ?