*Autistic Shutdowns collection* - Do you experience these ?

Hello! I hope my info helps you.

(I would like to preface this with the fact that I am still in the process of getting diagnosed).

(There are some trigger warnings for when I discuss my Meltdown experience. I decided to add a meltdown as well to illustrate the difference between the two).

Shutdowns:

1. I stop talking, cannot focus on anything, loose appetite, retreat to a quiet place to be alone (usually my bedroom), I usually turn all the lights off. I do nothing and can stare at the blank ceiling for what feels like an eternity.

2. It feels like I have been overstimulated or overwhelmed to the point where I feel like my internal battery is at 0%. I cannot function, and forcing me to function is impossible. I usually end up falling asleep and will feel a little bit better after, however, depending on how severe it was it can take me a few days before I feel like I can take on my regular day tasks. I feel like I am dissociating. I need to be at home or go home immediately.

3. Very tired and it takes a while for me to 'return to normal'.

4. Triggers can include having an argument with someone or being forced to do something that is hard for me to do (ex. public presentations). Being embarrassed, or being around people who I perceive to be very rude to me (I cannot always tell if I am overreacting, It's very hard for me to feel like someone dislikes me because I feel like I am always trying so hard to make sure that people like me.) 

Meltdowns: (Potential trigger warning: dark thoughts, s*xual ass*ult).

I can only recall having one big meltdown (a couple of years ago). I found that having a meltdown was a lot more traumatizing than my shutdowns. 

My meltdown happened when I was having dinner out at a steak house (I am not a big meat eater, and I often become vegetarian for months on end due to experiences eating meat.)

I was on a trip, so I did not have access to a safe zone.

At the dinner table, the discussion turned to "how cows are slaughtered, etc."...

I asked that this not be discussed, but the conversations continued. I became silent because my request was not taken, and because this discussion had made me lose my appetite. I sat at the table silent for the rest of the night and did not eat anything else after that incident. Nobody tried to apologize, and in fact, people seemed too awkward to do anything. The individuals who started the whole topic that triggered me acted selfish and angry that it ruined my appetite, but they did not listen to my request, to begin with. They acted as if I was oversensitive and overreacting.

It is very hard for me to return to normal if the issue does not get addressed, but I could not find it in myself to speak. I can not talk when I am really upset. I did not have an ally at that moment either, so I felt completely alone.

Our group returned to the house that we had rented, and I immediately went to my room and followed my typical Shutdown procedure (all lights off, in bed, just trying to escape reality).

Nobody addressed me that night, they all watched a movie. (This upset me further).

The next morning I woke up earlier than everyone else and got ready because I didn't want to interact with anyone - I wanted to be alone, but I knew that we had already paid to do some tours. I still remained mute for the drive to the tour. Nobody addressed me.

As we were on the tour, one person addressed me, but because they did not like that I could barely answer them, it annoyed them. They got more upset and this triggered my meltdown. (I was upset that they got annoyed with me because in the meantime since the dinner, this person was having a relatively good time interacting with all of the other group, etc., whereas I had completely isolated myself, so I felt so completely alone and upset that they could still be having a good time with the group.) The group operated with what I considered to be normal conversation.

I genuinely felt like it was the group vs. myself. I felt like such an outcast. I had nowhere to go, I was in public among strangers, and because I felt so trapped and hopeless, I just started crying.

My crying seemed to further upset the group, I felt as if they were thinking that I was the one ruining the trip. I still feel that to this day because some of the people just don't treat me like a friend anymore.

I decided to walk away from the group. I find that I walk or pace a lot when I am very anxious.

I walked around in public feeling almost drunk and lightheaded because I could not stop crying. I was crying very intensely. I could barely see where I was walking. It felt like a nightmare. I felt so much distress that I was barely functioning, but I didn't know what else to do. I was waiting for the group to contact me to tell me when we had to leave.

Eventually, they contacted me and we left, but nobody addressed the issue in the car. 

This was the day we were heading home. Everyone wanted to grab lunch before we left.

I felt nothing like myself and continued to cry and cry and cry. In the restaurant at lunch, I just sat there with the group, crying. People at other tables were looking at me. I did not eat or order anything. I had not eaten since the dinner before (which I barely ate anyways). I was so lightheaded. I wished that I would just d*e. 

We left the restaurant, and our group split ways to drive home. I went immediately to the car, and tried to sleep. The other people seemed awkward about saying goodbye. I was not going to push myself to get out of the car to hug them because I was in so much distress. 

The person who upset me the most was in the same vehicle as me, and they were so angry, yelling at me... I managed to say something, but I forget what I said. (Something along the lines of "I can't do anything. I want to d*e".) They stopped saying anything and the majority of the car ride home was silent.

I felt at 0% but I was happy to be headed home, and not in public embarrassing myself anymore. (But I was still very distressed).

When we arrived home, the individual apologized to me. I said that I forgave them.

Having that meltdown felt like I was going through hell. Nobody in the group ever addressed it ever again. Nobody asked me if I was okay. These inactions have had a long-lasting impact on me. Even though I still see those people, the friendships are not the same. The people do not seem to respect me anymore. I think I got judged very harshly for my meltdown.

(I already have a hard time with interpersonal relationships as I was m*lested as a child by my cousin, and my aunt knew about it, but she has always gaslighted me about it saying that it never happened.) This experience definitely attributed more to my PTSD because once again I felt like my pain was not acknowledged.

I still get very upset when I am around the people who were in the group because I just don't feel valued anymore, and I still get the impression that they were all mad that I "ruined the vacation".

I think that had my meltdown experience been better addressed by the group that I was with, that it would have only been a shutdown, and not progressed to a meltdown. I also find that the longer time I am in distress, the worse off I will be. I need people around me who are understanding and actually care about my distress. If it is an interpersonal issue (with individuals I know, not strangers), it needs to be addressed and discussed, otherwise it is extremely hard on me. I need to talk about it so that I can let it go.

I think that had my meltdown experience been better addressed by the group that I was with, that it would have only been a shutdown, and not progressed to a meltdown. I also find that the longer time I am in distress, the worse off I will be. I need people around me who are understanding and actually care about my distress. If it is an interpersonal issue (with individuals I know, not strangers), it needs to be addressed and discussed, otherwise it is extremely hard on me. I need to talk about it so that I can let it go.

sorry I dont know how I missed your reply. 

Thats a very detailed discription so thanks for that. So sorry you have been treated so badly in your life and in this account. 

Yea you have shutdowns and meltdowns ! They are pretty severe so I hope you dont have any more.

NT people have no idea what a shutdown or meltdown are, what they consist of, what to do, and so react really badly to them. 

Hope you find love out there in the world somewhere, you deserve it. 

I love your wee dog BTW ( in your profile ) so cute !

I will add one more thing. 

I have had some meltdowns at home that were less traumatizing than the experience above.

These usually involve me going into the bathroom, shutting the door, turning the lights off and I cry and hit my head against the wall. But these don't generally last any longer than 1 hour.

So, I find that my meltdowns are more "visual, loud, obvious" in contrast to my shutdowns which just look as though I am tired and emotionless.