Skip to main content
Close Button
Donate
  • Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 98 subscribers
  • Views 795 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Was social confidence & stamina part of masking, or just everyday social confidence & stamina?

I'm done with Christmas Cards
over 4 years ago

Two things happened in the last 24 hours that challenged me:

  • My wife and I running through what's happening this week (on Monday evening) & realising that we have commitments every evening up to and including Saturday except for Thursday.
  • Getting asked at work - in the sense of a gentle enquiry rather an instruction / request  - whether I plan to attend an upcoming meeting at a different site in person(*). I haven't traveled for work in 2 years (since burnout).

I now know that I have alexithymia, and hence any feelings I *do* get are probably mild ghosts of what are in reality raging demons that I can't quite see. But knowing what I know now, I was attuned to to impact of these things and felt them clearly if distantly.

  • Realising that we are "booked up" for a whole week, even though every one of the "things" is, give or take, a "nice" thing in isolation, got me feeling a lack of control, a sense of obligation and demand avoidance and wanting to throw my teddies out because I really want to be pursuing my hobby which is keeping me blissfully entertained and calm at the moment.
  • Being asked about travelling for work made my legs feel like they had been emptied of blood - tingly, cold, horrible; this was caused by anxiety coming from the inner battle between saying no (to honour my own understanding of what nearly killed me two years ago) and the idea of going against this by saying yes in order to avoid the risk of having to debate it. In the end I chose "no", unqualified, and feel good about that decision.

What continually exercises my mind here, though, is that I know that "confidence" in social situations, travelling, stamina in being able to endure a back-to-back schedule etc, is a quantity that can ebb and flow through life and can be topped up and depleted. It also perishes through lack of practice. Hence, I find it impossible to know if the dread that I feel in respect of the situations above is because a) I now know and am determined to protect my true self (a good, potentially life-saving thing) or b) I'm just out of practice. But, irrespective, I think I would rather err on the life-saving side if there is no absolute imperative to do otherwise. I don't think that's unreasonable (+).

Anyone relate?

(*) by the way, I get quite agitated when this sort of thing happens, because it tends to imply that there is a perception that I'm going to "recover" from my autism. As I've said before, no-one would ask someone who's discovered that they have a nut allergy if they wouldn't mind passing them just *one* bag of peanuts, just this once, or hoping that they'll be able to eat nuts again with them soon. Yes, I am recovering from my burnout, but I believe that is pretty close to being complete and I've recovered to a far safer place that is necessarily very different to how I was before. As far as I'm concerned, I'd be blissfully happy never travelling anywhere ever again - all I need is here.

(+) the counter-argument here is that I may be *worsening* my mental health & resilience by sticking rigidly to my new regime. But honestly, I've found a place with much lower levels of stress and I think I owe it to myself to preserve that new way of being.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to Kitsune

    I'd agree with this - I have friends who are probably undiagnosed aspies and I can spend all day with them and I feel exhilarated with the exchange of interesting information.    

    If I spend an hour with NTs, I get burned out very quickly.    I get really fatigued.

    I enjoy socialising but I have to ration myself with how much effort I'm prepared to put in to it - so often say no to invites if I feel it's going to be hard work.     I look at some of my Meetup get-togethers and will not sign up if the majority of people attending rate in my 'hard work' folder.    

    Unfortunately, because of this, I've been a bit of a hermit for the last few months - only going out to things if my wife is there too.

  • over 4 years ago

    Hi! I’m just going to brain dump my own thoughts on social arrangements/socialising and energy used etc. I like socialising and engaging in social activities with other people BUT I also have an awareness that socialising does tire me out mentally, although certain types more than others. I would get stressed out if I had commitments every evening in one week. I usually try to keep my social arrangements to 3/4 times a week so that I can recharge on the days in between. That said, it depends on who I’m socialising with and in what context I am socialising and what if any benefit I gain from a situation. 

    So for me, lowest energy used socialising is with my autistic friends, I feel that I can be myself, I’m not as worried about being judged for being my natural self. Then it would be socialising with friends who are ‘autism friendly’ or acquaintances who know me well so I’m still not too fussed about needing to put on a performance or pretend to be anything other than who I am. Next is spending time with my children’s friends mums/people at work/parents of Beavers, in these situations I feel the need to put on the mega mask and it does take a lot of effort and is very mentally draining.

    Time limiting social activities can be a good idea if they will become exhausting. 

    I might add to this later when I think of something more to contribute.