Two things happened in the last 24 hours that challenged me:
- My wife and I running through what's happening this week (on Monday evening) & realising that we have commitments every evening up to and including Saturday except for Thursday.
- Getting asked at work - in the sense of a gentle enquiry rather an instruction / request - whether I plan to attend an upcoming meeting at a different site in person(*). I haven't traveled for work in 2 years (since burnout).
I now know that I have alexithymia, and hence any feelings I *do* get are probably mild ghosts of what are in reality raging demons that I can't quite see. But knowing what I know now, I was attuned to to impact of these things and felt them clearly if distantly.
- Realising that we are "booked up" for a whole week, even though every one of the "things" is, give or take, a "nice" thing in isolation, got me feeling a lack of control, a sense of obligation and demand avoidance and wanting to throw my teddies out because I really want to be pursuing my hobby which is keeping me blissfully entertained and calm at the moment.
- Being asked about travelling for work made my legs feel like they had been emptied of blood - tingly, cold, horrible; this was caused by anxiety coming from the inner battle between saying no (to honour my own understanding of what nearly killed me two years ago) and the idea of going against this by saying yes in order to avoid the risk of having to debate it. In the end I chose "no", unqualified, and feel good about that decision.
What continually exercises my mind here, though, is that I know that "confidence" in social situations, travelling, stamina in being able to endure a back-to-back schedule etc, is a quantity that can ebb and flow through life and can be topped up and depleted. It also perishes through lack of practice. Hence, I find it impossible to know if the dread that I feel in respect of the situations above is because a) I now know and am determined to protect my true self (a good, potentially life-saving thing) or b) I'm just out of practice. But, irrespective, I think I would rather err on the life-saving side if there is no absolute imperative to do otherwise. I don't think that's unreasonable (+).
Anyone relate?
(*) by the way, I get quite agitated when this sort of thing happens, because it tends to imply that there is a perception that I'm going to "recover" from my autism. As I've said before, no-one would ask someone who's discovered that they have a nut allergy if they wouldn't mind passing them just *one* bag of peanuts, just this once, or hoping that they'll be able to eat nuts again with them soon. Yes, I am recovering from my burnout, but I believe that is pretty close to being complete and I've recovered to a far safer place that is necessarily very different to how I was before. As far as I'm concerned, I'd be blissfully happy never travelling anywhere ever again - all I need is here.
(+) the counter-argument here is that I may be *worsening* my mental health & resilience by sticking rigidly to my new regime. But honestly, I've found a place with much lower levels of stress and I think I owe it to myself to preserve that new way of being.
