Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice.
Today has been a difficult day for both me and my partner. The focus was to visit the doctor in hopes of putting on some sort of medication to help with anxiety, but also he's been feeling a lot of empty sad feelings as well and has been feeling extrrmely lost.
The doctors appointment didn't end up going to plan, we were very organised having written a list and were very clear on the plan considering he has been advised medication by his support worker and mental health professionals (he is waiting on therapy we have been waiting a year now). The doctor ended up reducing his antidepressant dosage, saying that it is just the ups and downs of life and our climate and saying he thinks that his dosage was too high and therefore has not been working. (This of course is a plausible option but I did point out that my partner has been on this dosage of medication for years and has never had a problem with it, and bearing in mind this doctor tends to just anything wrong down to whatever meds you are on at the time since both my mum and I have been in this situation with the same doctor).
Having not gone to plan, we came out of the office and my partner went into a silent meltdown the whole walk home, and then we got home and he broke down, done his thing of running to bed and was in a very bad situation. (We can't pinpoint whether it was down to the fact the appointment didn't go to plan, or whether he just really hates the way he is, maybe both). We went through a very difficult time then, with some very awful things said. He really struggles to understand himself, and I know he will get therapy on how to cope later with technniques. He despises himself and it is so incredibly hard to watch.
He says he feels like his mind is separate from his body, like there is someone separate controlling his brain who takes over and says things he doesn't want to. He also says most of the time his brain doesn't work, like someone is taking over and blocking it, he doesn't know what to say, when to say something, he also has constant questions in his head on what to do in every situation. The only example I can remember (I previously posted on having trouble approaching my partner for sex which in comparison doesn't seem like as much of a problem at this point), we've tried sex a few times since that post and we have had to stop because he gets overwhelmed by being hot, he also has questions in his head of what he should do, he doesn't know what to do. we have agreed I will write him a list of things that will help us. Other than that he just really doesn't understand himself guys and its honestly so sad, He is in a constant fight with himself, he detests himself, says he doesn't know what to do and that he wishes he wasn't the way he is.
I've kind of lost track of the point of this post if im honest, my head Is just so overwhelmed. I think I need help on getting him to understand himself, excepting himself, learning its ok to be himself and he can get through it. coping mechanisms, some sort of home treatment until I can get him to see someone, the stress is just overwhelming him because he isn't able to know why it all happens and what happens to him is his so called normal (What Is normal anyway, i just want to say that because there isn't such a thing but its the only way I can explain it). Also is this classed as sensory overload? Thanks, Beth
Bethanie96 said:He says he feels like his mind is separate from his body, like there is someone separate controlling his brain who takes over and says things he doesn't want to
In psychologist's lingo, these would be called "dissociation", which is usually broken down into two forms; "derealisation" - the feeling that the world around us isn't quite real (as if it's a computer game or movie), and "depersonalisation" - the feeling that our physical presence or thoughts might not be our own. It seems to be quite common for autistic people to experience dissociation (I have episodes of it myself regularly), and as others have indicated, it's much more common when we're feeling burned out. Dissociation can also be a symptom of the problems with executive functioning which autistic people (and those with AD(H)D) experience - that is, the part of the brain which turns our thoughts and plans into action is impaired, making us feel robbed of a sense of agency (the feeling that our motivations lead to the desired changes). Notably, these are all things which I've found can be made worse by high doses of anti-depressants, due to their sedative effects - so there is a chance that a reduced dosage may help somewhat, albeit that the GP has maybe done the right thing for the wrong reasons.
His confusion about his own identity is quite common too, especially for those of us who've recently received a diagnosis relatively late in life. The reason is quite simple, and is hinted at in what you've said already. Since our instinctive reactions to social situations have often been deemed "wrong" throughout our lives, we try to find ways to correct for this - using conscious analysis and explicit memories to compensate. This is what we usually call "masking". Because we've often been doing this since infancy, we can end up with a very weak sense of self, because our every action is dictated by our analysis of what we think others expect of us, which can become ingrained to the point that the masked version of ourselves is the one which we most identify with ourselves. We can get to the point where our own internal motivations and feelings seem completely moot, as we're never going to allow ourselves to act upon the answer anyway. Hence, post-diagnosis, many of us go through a period of feeling that we don't know who the "real me" is.
The best advice I can give you for the short-term would be to encourage your partner to participate directly in forums such as this one. Following my diagnosis, nothing helped me more than to know that I wasn't alone in experiencing these kind of problems, and to talk to other autistic people who were at various stages of the process of recovering their sense of identity and agency. Most importantly, such advice comes from people who have actually lived with these experiences, which, however well-meaning professionals might be, they usually haven't - their answer is often to try to modify the behaviours without understanding the motivation behind them, which at it's worst can actually be extremely frustrating and counter-productive.
As you put it yourself, the key is to learn that it is OK to "be ourselves" much more than we're used to - even if it's only when we're in a safe sanctuary such as at home, it greatly relieves the exhaustion and frustration which masking can cause.
Best wishes to you both.
I’m so sorry @Trogluddite I really appreciated your answer and never got round to replying. All of this makes total sense. My partner suffered with the depersonalisation all the time. Thank you so much for your input, i read it to him and it made him feel better.