Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone. I am new to the group and realised at the beginning of the year that my husband is autistic.
We have been married for 7 years now. At the beginning of our relationship, I didn’t see anything wrong, but as the years have progressed I realise now that all the signs were there. His son is autistic and I believe his brother is too.
My husband is loving, kind and demonstrative but life can be very hard. He needs to stick to very strict rules. He lives in constant fear that he is breaking rules, offending someone or letting people down, he thinks the worst is going to happen in every conceivable situation - the dogs will get lost on every walk we take them on or kill a sheep(they have never shown any inclination to do this). I will be killed or burgled if I’m on my own in the house at night etc etc. For every positive situation he has a negative spin on it -“oh you mustn’t do that -such and such could happen”. He doesn’t have a diagnosis and completely refutes that anything is wrong with him but I am reaching the end of my tether!
A lovely walk in the country was spoilt recently. I enjoy admiring gardens and houses in the road we live in but he won’t even slow down to admire a beautiful tree or rose bush as he fears someone may think he’s a burglar sizing up the property if he stops.
I am extremely tolerant -made easier now being on anti depressants but I wonder if this is what my life is now. One filled with the anxiety, stress and fear That my husband projects?
Can anyone offer any help advice or support? Perhaps you are in a similar situation? Many thanks.
I'm a bloke in my 50s with aspergers. I've done a lot of self-analysis since my diagnosis 10 years ago and I've formed a theory that most of the autistic symptoms are grown from an overblown sense of risk and an inability to deal with the unknowns involved. This impacts upon every aspect of our lives.. Things where the outcome is predictable and simple are nice for us - low stress and nothing to worry about. It's everything else that causes problems and as we get older, we're juggling so many different stresses that we can't cope.
Some really simple ways of reducing our internal stress is to stop doing things (no action = no risk) or take overblown, rigid control of things so they can't possibly go wrong. That way, our risk-analysis (catastrophe planning) can drop down to a lower-stress mode. Unfortunately, this impacts negatively on all those around us.
He needs to recognise this behaviour and what impact it's having on his loved ones and on himself - it's very easy to become a couch-potato / hermit to reduce all possible stress.
He has to understand that stress is nature's motivator - it powers all your basic needs like hunger and being cold - so he needs to re-think what he's doing and, if possible, embrace that stress and train himself to direct it in a more controlled way that helps the family rather than locking it down.
Are you able to talk to him about each of these fears in turn and come up with an agreed, cast-iron solution for them all?
Thank you so much for replying. I think you have hit the nail on the head with your theory that autistic symptoms are grown from an overblown sense of risk. That's exactly it! To give you one example, on Sunday we went for a walk into our local village. I love looking at houses as we pass them, commenting on lovely rose bushes or beautiful trees etc and will stop to point these out. My husband won't stop or even look in the direction of whatever it is I am talking about. He later said that someone will think he's a burglar sizing up the house if he looks or stops. This sort of behaviour happens all the time. He is very good at his job but won't push himself forward for promotion or more money as he may offend someone and get fired - consequently we are always broke. He will hold onto extremely bad workmen (an electrician comes to mind, whilst renovating a house) because he doesn't want to offend them and make them feel bad. Can you relate to any of these issues at all? I have tried talking to him about things but he just gets cross. Can you offer any advice on how I can lower his sense of risk and impending disaster? Thank you.
The way to get him to act differently is to appeal to his sense of stress - like over a contractor - get him to try another one by saying that he can always blame you in front of the previous contractor if he feels the need to call him back by saying "the wife got this other bloke in but he turned out to be rubbish" It gives him a plausible, foolproof solution to having to go back to the other guy, This excuse/reason will probably never need to be used but it gives him comfort if it goes wrong.
The looking at gardens - bloke on his own is a potential burglar - bloke & his wife is a couple out for a walk. It's all about finding solutions that allow him to put all his anxiety to bed.
If you can see the up-coming stresses, you'll soon be quite resourceful in providing guaranteed solutions that allow him to push risky actions into certainties or low-stress actions.
You might also find that his work environment is a bit too out of control so all of his pent-up anxiety means he's unable to accept any more risks at home. He's reached his anxiety limit.
The need to do the right thing means he'll accept stress at work because the risk of not doing could result in him losing his job, lifestyle, family etc. Too much risk.
The main thing is you being able to talk to him about all this stress and come up with workable solutions that allow him to function better.