Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling it today & need to write this:
I'm now trying hard to live in a way that is kind to me, to avoid repeating a burnout. It was a frightening experience and literally nearly killed me. Living by my new rules provides a healthy level of stress.
But, back in the work environment, the "do what everyone else does" drive is seductive. It whispers in my ear that it will be OK, I'm not really that different, and *everyone* does it - this is normal; go back to what you've been taught by observation since you were a child!. And when something unexpected happens at work, my mind empties of thoughts and there is total vacuum where my mental "to do" list was. The wolf of stress huffing and puffing and blowing down the straw house of executive functioning.
I might have to use the phrase "I need to hide today" and hope people understand, because I can't bare to go through the explanations of autism and how it affects me and how exhausting social interaction is.
Could you send a group email to all your colleagues (written when you feel up to it) to explain the basics, and have a code word/phrase to let them know when you need space? I will flat out say 'I'm not talking today' to mine and as they've got to know me, they've learnt not to take it personally, though it can be awkard at first.
I used to say "I'm in Garbo Mode"! I had a supposedly "affectionate" nickname ( which I will keep to myself)yet which hurt because it seemed to legitimise further verbal and psychological abuse from the low-life, cheap tabloid -minded inadequates who so delighted in making my life hell.but because i did not want to admit that it got to me it felt most of the time that I was willingly throwing myself to the lions just to demonstrate that nothing they could do could cause me any pain. I did not convince anyone though and my inability to find a way of dealing with them effectively because I could not think of anything to say in retaliation ( I get tongue-tied and find it difficult to breathe when under extreme stress) was regarded as cowardice because of this and the loss of respect I experienced from all of my other colleagues was deeply unpleasant. It is nothing to be proud of but when attacked physically I am more than capable of defending myself-that is an obvious existential "situation" but I was always utterly and pathetically defenceless against the dirty tricks, exclusive coded language and oafish behaviour I had to endure..
Have gone completely off-topic here but I am not the happiest of bunnies today on account of a glut of harrowing flashbacks I am forced to re-live, I find myself getting heated up internally when I remember all of the cheap laughs I gave those scumnbags for so long-and the very act of expressing it reveals to me the full and continuing victory over myself that I presented them with and that all just adds to it.
I often go on about "crashing headlong into brick walls", I feel slightly embedded in this latest one.
There is also a lot of self-pity and that fills me with even more loathing.
enough
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Hi Sally, that's a good suggestion. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy because what stops me is that I sometimes feel embarrassed to ask for what I *really* want or need, especially with people who knew me when I was full-on masking and in a completely different "place" before my burnout.
I have sent a group email but not to absolutely everyone - I'll certainly think about what I could do along these lines.
I'm also suffering with the onset of SAD at the moment I think, and despite eating well, taking antidepressants and running 3 times a week and having a "bright light" on my desk, mornings are tough. Lay this across the still ongoing recovery from burnout and trying to be kind to what I now know to be the real me and it gets tricky - I'm learning to trust my gut and cut myself some slack, but it still feels shitty.
Thanks again!