Reminding myself that this isn't / wasn't trivial

I'm feeling it today & need to write this:

  • 1993 to 2003: 20 years of having a "real job" after uni
  • Most of those years struggling with depression & anxiety
  • Doing what everyone else does - modelling and masking
  • 1993-2014: Raising a family & step-family
  • 2014-2016: Starting to use unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • 2016-2017: Feeling successful & maybe a bit frantic (note - alexithymia)
  • 2017: BOOM! I don't care anymore!. Can't even write. Autistic burnout. 3 months off sick, still recovering today.
  • 2018 - referred for ASD assessment
  • 2019 - diagnosed autistic

I'm now trying hard to live in a way that is kind to me, to avoid repeating a burnout. It was a frightening experience and literally nearly killed me. Living by my new rules provides a healthy level of stress.

But, back in the work environment, the "do what everyone else does" drive is seductive. It whispers in my ear that it will be OK, I'm not really that different, and *everyone* does it - this is normal; go back to what you've been taught by observation since you were a child!. And when something unexpected happens at work, my mind empties of thoughts and there is total vacuum where my mental "to do" list was. The wolf of stress huffing and puffing and blowing down the straw house of executive functioning.

I might have to use the phrase "I need to hide today" and hope people understand, because I can't bare to go through the explanations of autism and how it affects me and how exhausting social interaction is.

Parents
  • Could you send a group email to all your colleagues (written when you feel up to it) to explain the basics, and have a code word/phrase to let them know when you need space? I will flat out say 'I'm not talking today' to mine and as they've got to know me, they've learnt not to take it personally, though it can be awkard at first.

  • Hi Sally, that's a good suggestion. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy because what stops me is that I sometimes feel embarrassed to ask for what I *really* want or need, especially with people who knew me when I was full-on masking and in a completely different "place" before my burnout.

    I have sent a group email but not to absolutely everyone - I'll certainly think about what I could do along these lines.

    I'm also suffering with the onset of SAD at the moment I think, and despite eating well, taking antidepressants and running 3 times a week and having a "bright light" on my desk, mornings are tough. Lay this across the still ongoing recovery from burnout and trying to be kind to what I now know to be the real me and it gets tricky - I'm learning to trust my gut and cut myself some slack, but it still feels shitty.

    Thanks again!

Reply
  • Hi Sally, that's a good suggestion. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy because what stops me is that I sometimes feel embarrassed to ask for what I *really* want or need, especially with people who knew me when I was full-on masking and in a completely different "place" before my burnout.

    I have sent a group email but not to absolutely everyone - I'll certainly think about what I could do along these lines.

    I'm also suffering with the onset of SAD at the moment I think, and despite eating well, taking antidepressants and running 3 times a week and having a "bright light" on my desk, mornings are tough. Lay this across the still ongoing recovery from burnout and trying to be kind to what I now know to be the real me and it gets tricky - I'm learning to trust my gut and cut myself some slack, but it still feels shitty.

    Thanks again!

Children
  • I think you shouldn't worry about being different to how people knew you before, everyone changes over time, I realise for you this may be quite a radical difference but probably they'll notice less than you think. And if they do, it's on them to respond like decent human beings and respect you as you are anyway. I'm terrible at asking for help too, but like everything else, it just takes practise.

    If at least some people know - let them explain to the others. So long as someone knows what's going on, they can deal with the situation when you can't. Did you know it's been found that you get more pleasure from doing something nice for someone else, than someone doing something nice for you? So if you let someone else handle the situation for you, they get to feel good about helping - you're actually doing them a favour! ;P

    As for mornings, I hate them any time of the year - sometimes there's nothing to do but buckle in and suck it up. I know that's not the most reassuring statement ever, but it sounds like you've got lots of things in place to make life as easy as possible while balancing everything you're going through. I find winter quite useful for hiding away and figuring things out though, maybe you could factor that into your getting to know yourself? A way to make something postive from it, and have a 'new start' in the spring. Continue to take care of yourself, in as many ways as you can. :)