Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi. This is my second post. I am in my late 40s and realised a few months ago that I am Autistic. I am not sure if I will seek a diagnosis as I’m not sure it will help in any way. Having realised, my first response was relief but I have also been dealing with a little grief when thinking about how I could have been kinder to myself through my life and perhaps sought help for areas in which I have difficulties. Occasionally I have even been having sudden moments of almost excitement in the realisation that I can be myself now. I haven’t felt myself in so very long. Just recently however I have found that I am not coping with things that I do struggle with as well as I usually do. Stuff like noise and people talking to me when I am needing time alone or people upsetting my plans ( even stupid domestic ones like what order to sweep and vacuum in - my poor husband). Has anyone else dealt with this on diagnosis/ realisation? Am I letting my guard down because I’ve realised what I have been doing and I’m sick of it? Am I just letting go because I need to? Or am I just being selfish. Am I over analysing? Thanks
It is a difficult thing to come to terms with, and takes a long time whether you go for a diagnosis or not. I regret a lot of things and feel bad at stuff I have done in the past. I think part of it is because it breaks down or adds extra paths to your thought processes. Some of these are what you have developed yourself to deal with your condition. Its hard to have to rebuild some of those. Others are adding some extra insight to things you have done in the past, you had your reasons, if those reasons become challenged you have to deal with those feelings again. You need to give yourself a break, in that you didn't have the insight you have now at the time
In time things will get easier, my diagnosis was not a positive experience, but for most it is positive. I still don't regret doing the diagnosis, it gave me a lot more detail than I could have found myself. The diagnostic team was good, and even pre-empted feelings after diagnosis.