Published on 12, July, 2020
I posted a few months ago after being refused a diagnostic assessment on the NHS. Although my GP and an NHS psychologist were keen for me to be re-referred with more information (because the referral was refused in part due to my GP's mistakes) I had lost faith in the local assessment service and opted for a private assessment.
The assessment service I used was great, the people were lovely and I got my diagnosis on the same day as the assessment. And for about 10 days after the assessment I felt much better - no longer in limbo, waiting to know, therapy plans could now be put in place in the NHS (I have an appointment in about two weeks) and people were happy for me that I'd finally got an answer in the form of my diagnosis. I felt like I could finally start to make some changes to the way I manage my mental health to try to cope better with my anxiety (I was doing things that were really unhelpful for anxiety triggered by sensory sensitivities) and depression.
The assessment service sent a draft of the diagnostic report for me to read through and I found it really hard to read the descriptions of the social and communication mistakes that I make and of the difficulties I've had through my life as a result of my undiagnosed autism. It actually said plenty of positive things too and stressed the neurodiversity model, which I do believe in. However, since reading the report I've been struggling with feeling very depressed and hopeless, with lots of thoughts about being a horrible, anti-social awful person (which I know aren't actually true, but I seem to be unable to stop feeling that way about myself).
I don't know if it's a result of reading the report, or something else. Maybe because the effects of having a lifelong diagnosis are starting to sink in, and feeling the grief and loss associated with the effects of undiagnosed autism? It could also be triggered by going away this weekend for a week, even though I feel that it is manageable, or a subsequent visit from my parents (not an easy relationship, though they do care - they just can't seem to get it right), or the fact that all the people I would call on for emotional support are away on holiday and not accessible for help.
Did anyone else go through these feelings after diagnosis? Did you find anything helped? I can see that there will be positive things to come but I can't seem to translate that into feeling better.
Hi!
Thanks for your words, and yes it's tricky to receive finally the diagnosis feels both good and bad to me. I received it a week ago being 46 years old.
It's good because I finally have objective explanations to many things that happened, and still happen to me.
It's bad because the level of support right after the diagnosis is none: you need to look for it. Which is kind of OK for people with good abilities to cope with it, but I can see it's bad for many others. I think there is much still to do there.
Anyway, I see this community is a good point, to find and help each other. I read already "Living with Intensity" and helped me to see many Overexcitabilities, reasons behind and cases that relate to mine. Also some strategies to cope a bit better: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Intensity-Understanding-Sensitivity-Excitability/dp/0910707898/
After 46 years of living with this, I'm not going to review my whole life under this ASD in one go. So I'll give me time to review, memory by memory and see if they make more sense now. Because we are also our memories, and they help us to understand how we are now, and how to cope better with the present and future. Taking easy even sometimes it's not, is my way now. Let's see.
Cheers and see you around!