My mind is numb

The self-doubt thing is a common theme. I'm currently going through a phase of feeling like my assessment will be a waste of their time and I'll be left with no answers... I'm on the waiting list at the moment and it's on my mind every single day. How will I come across? What if they don't believe me? What if they can't see through my mask? What if I freeze? But the biggest question is if I'm not diagnosed with Autism, what am I? I am definitely not NT.

At the moment I feel in limbo. I can't share it with anybody because I'm not diagnosed and if I don't get a diagnosis I'll feel like a fraud. I'm going with the fact I've masked for 33 years, a few more months won't hurt...! I'll have an answer soon enough...

I share your concerns re sharing. A diagnosis would make me feel comfortable doing things like disappearing at social gatherings (e.g. a family birthday) to get some space. I wouldn't need to disclose to anybody why I'm going for a breather but in my head I feel I won't have to worry about people thinking I'm rude or odd... I don't think I'd share it at work either but the main reason for that is because I'm changing back to a previous job so I can work from home again - the reasonable adjustments I would require come automatically with this role. 

You have a professional diagnosis that you feel fits - you're autistic.

For parents to say 'but you never showed the signs' i.e. the 'classic' hand flapping, delayed development, no eye-contact etc. is just ignorance.

As Lagrangian said, share the report, discuss why you being autistic is something she has a problem with, try to work through it. My parents were quite 'anti' my getting a diagnosis 'You're just you' and with my mum I feel it was partly the sense that she felt 'to blame' for:

a) me being autistic

b) not spotting it when I was a kid

But these are flawed ideas based on a lack of understanding of what autism really is, what causes it, how it presents etc.

I'm very frustrated because I got my diagnosis and felt like it made sense but my mum has two autistic boys she spent months getting their diagnosis whereas I went to 2 sessions that were 2 hours each long and got my diagnosis after the second one when I got my diagnosis my mum keeps telling me I'm not autistic and havebren missdiagnosed it's really stressing me out because I cannot stop thinking am I autistic or am I not because I don't know if to go forward with it and think ok I get things wrong sometimes because I'm autistic or think actually something else is wrong with me that I don't know and I need to be rediagnosed because my mum said I never showed any of the signs when I was growing up as a kid I don't know what to do right now but I'm really stressed and cannot turn my brain off thinking about this. My mum's opinion is very important to me because she's my mum she's known me since birth so surely my mum is right?

I couldn't believe what I was reading in your reply because it is quite accurate with what you imagine. I do try my best to get along and fit in, and yes it is exhausting and can be frustrating for my wife at times living with me but we some how manage.

I wish you all the best with getting your referral and assesment. The great thing about this website is there are a lot of users that talk about their difficulties and experiences and it helps put your mind at ease knowing you are not alone. 

Your concerns resonate with me and I too find it overwhelming; So much brain noise. Now, I do not know you or your journey, but from what you write, I imagine you are a nice person who is well liked and makes considerable effort to be a good friend no matter how inwardly exhausting it can be.  Being in the dark about your diagnosis would also be brain-overload for me as well. I have just been referred by my GP for further assessment after years of just thinking there was just something plain wrong with me and months of procrastination due to not wanting to lose friends and feel like I’m vying for attention. That said, I still personally would disclose it during general chat (I already make conversations awkward!), because, and I also need to practise what I preach here, it shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, it’s our brain hardware and most of society is geared towards a different type of brain hardware.  I’m not going to patronise or say things like “be positive” or “don’t worry” because if your brain is anything similar to mine, I know they will just go straight to the junk email folder (so to speak), just promise me you will be yourself and don’t apologise to anyone for it.

Hi, congratulations on getting your diagnosis. I don't really have anything of any use to say just wanted to say Hi.