Published on 12, July, 2020
(This thread follows on from Discovery 1 - Realisation)
I am verbally fluent with a wide vocabulary and excellent written language skills. I don't take everything literally. I understand humour, irony, metaphors. My grammar skills and reading comprehension have always been excellent. I understand that other people have unique thoughts and ideas. I can "do" eye contact. I have taught English as a second language.
Does that sound autistic? Or neurotypical?
The following information about NT communication is from the book "A Field guide to Earthlings" by Ian Ford:-
NT communication is made up of:
- Chemistry
- Body Language
- Facial expressions
- Words used to convey identity or feelings
- Words used to convey information
It is said that 80% of communication is non verbal.
The primary (underlying, not literal) messages in an NT conversation could be "we are in the same group", "we are in different groups" or " I am higher (or lower) than you in our group ". These messages reinforce one's identity as a member of a group and create bonding between people who share a group identity.
During small talk, people try to find out the identity of others, without 'taking a stand' or being controversial. Small talk is not pointless, it is active discovery.
There is little calculated thought when NT communication is fast & fluid.
NTs may make inferences based on internal associations. The World Wildlife fund logo is a panda. If you tell one of their representatives "I don't like pandas" they may infer you don't like the world wildlife fund.
The difficulties I experience include:
Sometimes speaking too loudly or too fast
Delivering monologues about a favourite topic
Having difficulty interpreting lies, deception & mischief
Sometimes being interpreted as being too blunt or insensitive
Sometimes being unsure whether others have meant to be rude or unkind to me
Having to plan what to say and then replaying it over and over in my head afterwards
Difficulty understanding a verbal message if stressed or upset
Can be distracted by associations cued by dialogue with others.
The above problems are all autistic problems, which I used to think were caused by me being too sensitive, or other people being unkind. I also thought I was ok at small talk (even though I can find it a bit boring) but now I see that my small talk is just a habit to fit in, and that I try to choose subjects which are a bit of interest to me. Luckily I am quite interested in the weather!
Taking things literally as an adult is soooooooooooo well hidden.
I thought the same too but realise now - I take everything literally but in a non literal way.
Example - wife said to me -
“The dog’s barking, at the gate”
I get an image of my dog barking at the gate. Of course she meant -
“At the gate, the dog is barking”
Both sentences mean the same thing but not to me. The bottom sentence says - Dog wants the gate opened.
The top sentence says - the dog is angry with the gate.
I love this. I wonder if it's to do with if you are more of a visual thinker or not. I think I struggle with tone of voice and often with my partner he will be joking but I take it seriously. This has landed me in hot water on many occasions as I have flipped my lid at what he has said. He never means any harm and he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. So even if I still don't believe he was "just joking" I have to remind myself of his nature and that helps me calm down.
Similarly with interpreting mischief. I struggle to determine if someone is taking me for a ride or not. Likewise if I'm trying to be mischievous, someyimes it's not noticed and I feel I come across as a bit of an idiot and have to explain "I'm only joking". So I wonder if I miss out on others' AND my own tone of voice and body language.
Yeah, if I had £1 for every time someone has said something & I start to give a reasoned response only for the to then say "I was kidding!" as if I should have known that... I wouldn't be rich, but I'd have a fair few quid!
The visual thinking thing is intriguing - I often say I have 'analogy Tourette's' in that I'll explain something (often a technical thing) by referring it as being like something else...
My (NT) colleagues have often commented that they "Wish they could have explained it like that" or that they "Loved my analogy" which made me think that I was good at communicating... I guess I am, but only in a narrow context...