Published on 12, July, 2020
It occurred to me when reading a post recently that adult Aspies sometimes seem to have spent so many years masking, mimicking & changing their behaviour to fit in that their "real" self has become subsumed by a "fake" self, or they feel they no longer actually have a real identity. I think that by reading accounts of the traits of other Aspies we can identify with some of them, and this can help to rebuild a sense of self. So I'm going to start with a list of Aspie traits that are "me" and I hope others will join in.
I have a an good long term memory, good eye for detail and pattern recognition. I have an interest in language and could read and spell well from an early age.I've always been clumsy with poor coordination and struggled to write neatly at school, and I still hate writing now but I like typing.
I have a history of struggling in work situations and moving on to another job when I can no longer cope. I have had times when I missed work a lot due to stress. I have never enjoyed meetings and work social events. I get frustrated if I get too many things to do at once. I don't like talking on phones. I don't like being observed, photographed or filmed.
I have never had a lot of friends and used to be a people pleaser, while resenting the fact that other people took advantage of me. I am good in one to one situations but have difficulty in group situations and find it uncomfortable when there are several different conversations going on. I am often bored in social situations but can talk endlessly about a topic of my own interest. I have often "burned bridges" with family and friend relationships because I just don't see that I have anything in common with them and trying to continue just seems a bit of a strain on both sides.
I am very sensitive to strong emotions in others and can be influenced by them. I have a high sensitivity to touch and cut the tags out of clothes. Certain smells really affect me. I hate people standing or sitting too close.
I hate the word "disorder" in the term ASD and refuse to be classified as "disabled". My perception of autism is that it is a label which refers mainly to the difficulties created for Aspies by social constructs, both physical - busy roads, supermarkets, offices, public transport, etc - and relational - being expected to want to join in with small talk, group activities, etc. We do have different patterns of thinking, but everyone is different. When we're alone we're not autistic. We are unique individuals who add to the total of human experiences. I like Temple Grandin's observation - if it weren't for the creativity and innovation of autistic people, the human race would still be standing around in caves making small talk.
I'm with you on most of this too, Pixiefox. I refer to myself as 'disabled' only as it suits for certain situations. But as far as I'm concerned I'm simply different. I'm in a minority, that's all, and as such I have struggles with the way that the majority construct society and work within it. Other than that, I'm simply someone doing my own thing my own way, and I seem to have managed alright so far - largely under my own steam. I'm pretty self-reliant, which gives me a certain degree of resilience. I just want other people to stop telling me I'm 'wrong' about certain things simply because I'm not following the usual rules in order to do or achieve them.
I've wound up in life one month shy of my 60th birthday and I really don't have a clue as to who I am - not in a social context, anyway. I feel almost 'left behind' by the other people I meet. By myself, though, I'm fine. At work, I'm becoming far more conscious of my differences as I age. That is until I'm with the service users. Learning disabled they may be, but their world still makes far more sense to me. Like the world of a child.
I started counselling 3 weeks ago - weekly sessions. The counsellor has experience of ASC and has stipulated that she's certainly not in the business of offering 'corrective' input. So far, in just 3 sessions, she's heard most of my history: the problems throughout schooldays, the emotional disturbances at home when I was a young child, the sense of being adrift in the world, the difficulties with friendships and relationships (most forms of emotional attachment, in fact), the need for aloneness in order both to feel safe and to have access to my imagination. I almost feel that my life has no meaning, so I have to strive hard to give it meaning in order to keep going. My work with special needs and my writing are vital there. At the moment, it's work that's taking precedence because my imagination seems to have dried up. I put everything into my day with the service users, then come home... and more often than not go to bed early. At least my dream-world is still rich.
I can't help but have a sense - perhaps natural at my age - that things are beginning a wind-down slowly. This makes me question the full purpose of my life up until now. What has it been for? What have I done with it? I've (once again) stopped drinking. I'm hoping that'll revitalise me and keep me clear-headed enough to see a way through. The lure of it is strong, though, because it numbs me and makes me at least feel carefree for a while. Trouble is, I never know where that might lead.
I don't like to demarcate things by anniversaries, years, ages, etc... but I hope that hitting 60 will be the start of something new - of different horizons opening up, and a renewed sense of self. The last 20 years have been very turbulent. I think I've done a lot of growing in that time - and, if I'm honest, found a few answers. The diagnosis, of course, was a big part of that. I still admittedly struggle with the two sides of diagnosis. I identify as an autistic person first and foremost because I find that helpful. It gives me a sense of reassurance, because it's given me so many answers - or at least clues which can enable me to figure out the mystery and work towards a proper resolution. I hope the counseling will also help me there, too.
Hi MT! It’s another Sunday. Time marches on. You’ll never catch up with me agewise! I’m probably coming to the end of my sessions with a caring psychologist who is not an expert in autistic spectrum personalities but understands an awful lot about them. Or rather a ‘refreshing’ lot about them. It’s good to sort out historical stuff so as to be able to move forwards. You write well. Hope to ‘see’ you around. RvW