Published on 12, July, 2020
It occurred to me when reading a post recently that adult Aspies sometimes seem to have spent so many years masking, mimicking & changing their behaviour to fit in that their "real" self has become subsumed by a "fake" self, or they feel they no longer actually have a real identity. I think that by reading accounts of the traits of other Aspies we can identify with some of them, and this can help to rebuild a sense of self. So I'm going to start with a list of Aspie traits that are "me" and I hope others will join in.
I have a an good long term memory, good eye for detail and pattern recognition. I have an interest in language and could read and spell well from an early age.I've always been clumsy with poor coordination and struggled to write neatly at school, and I still hate writing now but I like typing.
I have a history of struggling in work situations and moving on to another job when I can no longer cope. I have had times when I missed work a lot due to stress. I have never enjoyed meetings and work social events. I get frustrated if I get too many things to do at once. I don't like talking on phones. I don't like being observed, photographed or filmed.
I have never had a lot of friends and used to be a people pleaser, while resenting the fact that other people took advantage of me. I am good in one to one situations but have difficulty in group situations and find it uncomfortable when there are several different conversations going on. I am often bored in social situations but can talk endlessly about a topic of my own interest. I have often "burned bridges" with family and friend relationships because I just don't see that I have anything in common with them and trying to continue just seems a bit of a strain on both sides.
I am very sensitive to strong emotions in others and can be influenced by them. I have a high sensitivity to touch and cut the tags out of clothes. Certain smells really affect me. I hate people standing or sitting too close.
I hate the word "disorder" in the term ASD and refuse to be classified as "disabled". My perception of autism is that it is a label which refers mainly to the difficulties created for Aspies by social constructs, both physical - busy roads, supermarkets, offices, public transport, etc - and relational - being expected to want to join in with small talk, group activities, etc. We do have different patterns of thinking, but everyone is different. When we're alone we're not autistic. We are unique individuals who add to the total of human experiences. I like Temple Grandin's observation - if it weren't for the creativity and innovation of autistic people, the human race would still be standing around in caves making small talk.
Thanks for all your replies. I want to highlight and respond to many things said by many people, so I am replying to my original post - not sure how these threads work, but hope its ok.
Wavey said "Only autistics can focus enough to find their true self in adult hood."
Martian Tom said " I almost feel that my life has no meaning, so I have to strive hard to give it meaning"
I'm done with Christmas cards said "I'm beginning to see my real self. I'm also re-growing my foliage, but carefully choosing the buds that take only a little energy to grow but have the most benefit."
NAS50812 said "I don't know who I am. I have an identity crisis... I found it easier to play that character than to talk to people as I ordinarily do"
In the book "A field guide to Earthlings" Ian Ford explains brilliantly how NT's form their identities. Between the ages of 12-17 they ''try on' identity groups, their role in the groups, and how they display themselves in that role. If asked to describe themselves, they would say something like: History Teacher, Cambridge Graduate, mum of two, Labour voter, Manchester United fan, etc. Their behaviour is then set to match others in those social groups. Once they develop a display that works for them, they spend the rest of their life armoring it to make it impossible to deconstruct. They are certain of their identities and fearful of them changing. We are more in flux and able to make ch,ch,ch,ch, changes (Was David Bowie autistic??) We strive to find meaning.
Jenny Butterfly said " it's as if I've always needed a strong, protective "top dressing", with the uppermost question in my mind being not, "What do i want to do?" but "What am i supposed to do in order to survive here?"
That is why we mimic - it's a survival instinct.
Plastic said "I managed to survive long enough to deliver on my obligations. Now I'm broken and a house-husband"
My partner is a house husband, and brilliant at it, better than I am at being a housewife. You have worked hard and now have the opportunity to reflect and work out what will make you happy, rather than others, while enjoying things like making sure all the clothes hangers face the same way and each type of cutlery is stored in the correct sections of the drawer (bliss!)
Tiny Explorer said "The diagnosis for me is the beginning of reconstruction... peeling away years of layers put on you by the outside world... tofinally reveal the true genuine authentic artifact underneath. It is authentic original art."
Amen, Tiny Explorer.
Very interesting, NTs often complain to me that I've changed when I haven't changed in the least but have changed the way I dress or something. I had a vague idea that they somehow think things like clothes are part of them. For me, they're just a form of masking adapted for current environment.
I can mask really OK for a couple of hours at most, so anyone who's known me for more than 2 hours has seen at least a fair bit of the real me. One of the interesting things I think now is that I've learned sooooooo much over my life and a lot of the 'less autistic' presentation I've developed is about learning as much as masking - and learning is definitely something that's part of me. So I consider 'masking' to be a conscious effort to concentrate like hell and consciously produce 'appropriate' social behaviour - as such, I see it as a skill rather than an integral part of who I am. The elements of successful masking skills that are about learning more and more about what AS is and how NTs think *is* a part of me growing and changing in the world. I think the distinction is important to me. For example, when I was younger I would constantly ask people why do this or that - I don't any more. It's not because I'm masking in the sense of pretending that I know why NTs do this or that - it's just that I know the reason I *don't* know is because I'm AS and I don't really need to know cos I don't really care why NTs do this or that - I no longer feel it's my problem unless I need to know for earning a living So what's masking and what is a genuine piece of personal growth?
I used to mask so much that people were shocked when I finally got my diagnosis and allowed myself to be the 'real' me at last. I was told that I seemed to be acting more autistic as if the diagnosis had changed me to fit with the role of autistic person. I had to explain that the acting is actually something I was doing before. Last night, I went to a clairvoyant evening and saw some people there who I work with. During the course of the evening, I was thinking all the time about those people coming up to me at the end and wanting to chat. When the session actually ended, I went out to the toilet, but didn't go back in. I'm sure that the next time I see these people they will ask me what happened to me. Perhaps they felt upset that I had left so quickly without talking to them, so I will have to make an excuse about needing to get home quickly. The truth is that I find it very difficult to just socialise in a situation like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm a naturally friendly person and can usually get along with people at work. But the dynamic of the situation is different there as I'm there to do a job. When I had my last birthday, people at work asked me what I was doing for it as most of the others will have an evening at the pub on their birthdays. I never go to those evenings and I said I wouldn't be doing anything for my birthday. It's just not something I feel comfortable about, and I don't want to do something simply because it seems to be expected by other people. if I went to a pub or something I would probably end up drinking again to allow me to relax enough to talk, and I don't want to do that any more.
Yes, i do find that with superficial changes of the "New clothes, new you" variety.
But more troubling was that I also often got the complaint that i'd changed when I got closer to someone because the mask was starting to drop. Then I suddenly felt unsafe, thought I'd made a faux pas and redeployed the mask.
This type of response became consolidated by the thought that everyone must have a hidden self and use a mask or masks. General talk about people being different in different circumstances or with different people also reinforced this belief. But really I think they were talking about a different phenomenon, to do with social learning, norms and etiquette, not hiding their core selves. i still come away from this with a feeling of , "How was I supposed to know?"