I have so much love and for my little self right now. But not only my little self, but myself prior to and post diagnosis and for every other autistic person out there as well.
When I look back at my little self, I have a picture in mind, from what I've seen in a photo, but more than that, I am filled with so much love for her.
This beautiful little girl, in this world that she didn't understand. I admire her so much for getting through life. Even if that life often did look like a train wreck. I don't care. It was my train wreck, and I did my best, which I can see now, was more than good enough.
We often try so hard to 'get it right'. We are often so committed to this cause that we drive ourselves to the gates of insanity, for little or no reward.
I used to say, I lived half a life, at best, but I'm learning now, baby step by baby step, set back by set back, to live a full life.
It's not easy, because one part of my mind is always screaming, 'but I want to be there', and I have to remind it, gently and patiently, that we're already 'there', we need only enjoy it.
The autism sign of the jigsaw, is relevant (to me), in that, yes, I had to find the missing piece, which was my diagnosis. But the picture will never be complete, because we're always creating, every day of our lives, and creation is forever in motion. So the picture is always changing.
Not only do I now have the missing piece of the jigsaw, but I have all the other pieces as well. Literally, mentally and emotionally. I have it all and more. We all do. But not everybody knows it.
Life is beyond easy, when I live from this place, and it's infinitely more beautiful. When I was suicidal, two weeks ago, I honestly thought that nobody even knew I was alive, I felt so alone. Today, I couldn't feel more loved or more connected to others.
I just connect in a different way to most people, which doesn't make it easy in times of distress. I connect on a deeper level, and there are more than enough people in my life who I connect with on that deeper level. I may not see them often, or maybe even never again, or never at all, but that is of no matter, because when you connect to somebody on a deeper level, you're connected for life. I'm loved deeply and dearly by many people in many different ways.
I don't do friends in the conventional way, and why would I? I'm not conventional. I'm neurodiverse. And when I don't try and compare myself with others and don't try to make myself 'fit in', I'm happy with that.
My only work just now is to look after myself and work out how I live this life with the minimum of disruptions, with the minimal amount of meltdowns etc and to find a way of living that I can sustain, long term. And despite set back after set back, despite falling and falling again, I’m doing it. It’s not only possible, I’m doing it.
I am well and truly reunited with joy, once again and all is well.
I always like your posts BlueRay, this made my morning, thank you. Glad you're feeling happy today :)
Thank you NAS51133, I’m glad it made your morning. The more I learn about how I’m affected by autism, ADHD and PDA, the more love and admiration I have for myself and all others who are autistic. I feel like it’s shaping my future. My work as a metaphysician will be open to all people and my blog posts, will probably be more relevant to autistic people, but my greatest passion seems to be growing in me and it feels like it’s going to be a commitment to making life better for us, which in turn, makes life better for everybody. Almost everywhere I go, I speak to somebody who has a relative or friend on the spectrum and it’s always a beneficial conversation. The lady at the opticians today who was helping me choose some glasses, was talking about her cousin who was diagnosed at 16 with autism and he’s 21 now. From talking to me she said she now understands her cousin so much better. She said they all do their best to support him and she was grateful of what I told her about myself and how I do things. For example, I have to buy the glasses in stages, like I have to do everything.
It fills me with joy, every time I think I’ve helped someone and visa versa and I must be a magnet for relatives and friends of autistic people, because honestly, everywhere I go, I meet these people as well autistic people. When I bought my laptop recently (a big thing for me), the assistant turned out to be autistic, the same as when I bought the headphones and I bump into autistic people when I’m out and about all the time now, people I’ve met at groups or through other people. It’s like I’m building this beautiful network. That’s good because I’ll be away again soon. I’m moving back to Bali but I’ll be back here from time to time, so it will be lovely coming back to a network of people I already have.