ASD Son (me), Narcissistic Mother

Hi all,

I'd be very interested for your thoughts on the topic below.

I've been for probably close to 500 hours of therapy over the last two decades, and, whatever led me to start each individual run of therapy, I *always* ended up talking about my mother. During the last 18-month run of therapy (which was mainly couples therapy) it emerged that my mother is probably displaying traits of narcissism. That seems to be fairly objectively true, as underlined by several anecdotes where she has put her own needs before mine (not trivially, but where her actions were actively destructive towards me and unreasonable, as agreed by others including therapists) and then afterwards rewritten history to cast herself in the role of loving, caring mum.

I'm aware that part of my ASD (still tbc) means that I tend to get taken advantage of by those close to me, I placate others to avoid conflict even if that means negating my needs, and I have struggled to establish boundaries and be assertive.

So, what's getting my intellectual interest piqued (and not just for fun, as the answer may well unlock some personal growth and strength) is this: "Is it possible that my mother's narcissism and my ASD have combined to create a 'perfect storm'?"

What I mean by this is that my ASD seems to be a particularly receptive target for the damaging effects of my mother's narcissism, and make it *doubly* hard for me to see my mother's true character. It's well known that those trapped in relationships with narcissists struggle to see it because it is so carefully disguised as love and care, and this must be exacerbated if the trapped person natively struggles with boundaries, the ability to intuit intentions, read between the lines etc.

In the other direction too, if someone who is narcissistic cares little for others except that they feed their narcissistic needs, then this provides a *second* "double whammy" that frustrates the already difficult process of seeing ASD in a child who is by all external indicators flying through life, excelling at school, and gaining material success as an adult.

This would explain for me why it has taken 25 years for me to gain some objectivity and see how I've been overburdened with expectations from my mother and felt that it is my primary duty to adore her and do nothing to detract from her happiness. It also explains why I hated being dragged around her family doing "visits" when I was a child and she couldn't see for one minute why.

Thoughts? It seems to me that ASD and Narcissism together are a particularly hard combination.

p.s. for added fun in my family dynamics, my dad is almost certainly ASD and even I can see that my parents' relationship is, whilst stable and "effective", not particularly healthy. What I mean by this is that my mum has always visibly "babied" my dad (as noted by all of my extended family across all generations) meaning that he has not exercised himself in things that he is actually eminently capable of and early in their marriage became, and has remained, totally dependent on my mother - another self-perpetuating state of affairs which from my perspective presented and modeled an unhealthy model of the role of men in a male-female marriage and society generally.

p.p.s this gives some context to my post about Mothers Day - it's not *only* that I find traditions unwelcome and gift exchange economically inefficient!