Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm making this thread to try and vent out my feelings and I'm also interested as to whether anyone else has experienced the same difficulties. I have no idea how to communicate any of this to my parents or my one friend that knows about my diagnosis, or to my assessors who I should be getting a follow up appointment with.
I was diagnosed last Tuesday and since then I feel like I've felt so many emotions and have constantly been running things through my head and over analysing everything all week to the point where I've ultimately burned out and I am now becoming extremely depressed. At first I felt relieved that I could finally put a name to some of the issues I had always experienced, but I'm finding that I'm having more and more of a hard time processing everything. Since my diagnosis I feel as though I've become obsessed with researching about autism and especially the difficulties autistic females go through and how this relates to myself, I find it all extremely interesting and I'm constantly thinking about it and basically researching it in any spare moment I have and for hours on end, consuming as much as I can about it.
The issue with this aside from the fact that it's completely preoccupying my thoughts is that in the process, I've been obsessing and overanalysing all of my behaviours and struggles to the point where my sense of self is becoming distorted. I keep over analysing all the little details about myself and whenever I think of something I struggle with I almost instantly take to google and start researching whether that's related to autism in any way and quickly spiral into several hours of research. But in doing so I feel like I'm getting more and more confused, if that makes sense. Like I can look at the main areas of difficulty in autism and know I struggle with them, and I can think of some of my difficulties immediately, but actually recognising in myself what specifically I struggle with in relation to social difficulties, sensory issues, etc is really hard at the moment. I know I struggle with them, I'm just finding it hard to recognise how specifically because up until now it's just been 'how I am'. It's much easier to see what I don't struggle with and in doing so my anxiety kicks in and I start doubting myself and my diagnosis, as if the fact that I finally have a reason for feeling like an alien for 20 years is a ludicrous idea. I feel like the fact that I was hyperaware that I was being assessed and knew that they were looking for specfic things which made me feel extremely under pressure and anxious during the assessment has also made me worry that I 'cheated' the assessment somehow, and I keep wondering whether the diagnosis was right or if I'm a fraud. I hate being observed in any way and found the whole thing extremely gruelling.
I don't know. I have no idea how to express any of my feelings on this with my family and friends or the assessors so I have to get it out here, even though I feel so anxious doing that too. I just feel like its so much and all the processing and thoughts in my head is extremely overwhelming me and I just want to curl up, cry and never talk to anyone again. It might be a case of my particular difficulties and sense of self getting lost in all the obsessive research I've been doing so I think logically the best thing to do would be to try to shift my attention to one of my other interests at least until I receive my diagnostic report and give myself space to breath and try to calm my anxiey over it all. But shifting my attention from one obsession to another is much more easier said than done. I have to try though or I feel like I'll just reach breaking point mentally and emotionally.
I dunno whether anyone else has ever had these feelings, especially after diagnosis. I feel like I'm just so lost and confused and anxious over everything. I'm going to try and calm myself but I really appreciate anyone that reads this and shares their thoughts, thank you.
Hi Indoraptor,
As Bagpuss has said, what you have described is quite a common experience amongst us. It's natural, too, to want to find out as much as you can.
I struggled for many, many years - from the age of 6 - with feelings of difference. I couldn't understand why I found it difficult to maintain friendships or relationships, why I seemed to be being left 'out of the loop' about something that everyone else understood - like it was a conspiracy against me. Then came years of depression, never sticking in jobs for very long, feeling more and more like an alien on my own planet. Finally, at the age of 56, I got my diagnosis. At first, it was wonderful. Eureka! At last I have some answers. Finally, my life makes sense to me. But then it took a turn the other way, and I began to ponder on how my life might have turned out if I'd been diagnosed earlier and gotten the support I clearly needed when I was in school. Would I have been able to make more of my life? Would I have managed to achieve more? Alas, I can never know now. All I can do is take the greater understanding I have of my life and move forwards with it. I'm 60 this year. It's a little late to be making plans for moving forwards - but better late than never, I guess.
I think the bottom line is that I've gained some acceptance now. I still have my bad days, but generally I feel quite settled about my life. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are. I've learned a few tricks along the way. And I know what I want and what I don't want from life.
Give yourself time. It's early days yet. Also, you're at a point in your life when a lot lies ahead and you might be feeling pressure to make certain choices. I know how I felt in my early 20s - lost, confused, misunderstood; knowing that something was wrong with me, but not knowing what. I was feeling societal pressure to 'conform' in certain ways. All the people I knew - I won't say friends because they weren't; I didn't have any - were doing what 'normal' people do: dating, starting careers, looking to settle down. I'm only now beginning to feel settled, at a time when most of those people will be thinking of retiring - when most of them will have houses and grandchildren and be at the high end of their careers. In some ways, I envy that. In most ways, though, I'm glad I'm not a part of it. I'm glad I'm my own person, doing my own thing, living my own life with the insights I have. I might not have all the things that might be termed the 'expectations' for someone of my age. But I can live with that.
Relatively speaking, I'm glad enough to be me!
Take care,
Tom