Published on 12, July, 2020
I have no friends at all anymore, i spend 97% of my time without seeing another human face. Perhaps dignitas could help me. There has to be a point where i call it a day.
Since my daughter died my social skills have evapourated entirely. I am retreating further and further into myself.
The future is bleak. I have no other children. No one seems to understand me. I am becoming agrophobic. I am a shadow of the person i used to be.
I am quite scared of the act of killing myself but if it where a button i could press that just turned out the lights, i would press it.
My isolation is near 100% complete. My mother and father (separated) support me but they cannot give me what i feel i need. If people could get by with the social interactions of their parents alone i could probably manage. I enjoy there company but after an hour or two i just feel i want to retreat to my home, lock the door and close the curtains.
This battle with depression has raged all my life and now with the magnitude of set backs ive experienced over the last couple of years, i feel the peak of my life has passed.
I honestly feel that the end for me is coming. Any attempt on my own life will not be a cry for help. It will be a very deliberate attempt. This is more than just depression. I do not see the logic in suffering for another 20-30 years. What purpose would it serve. The only people that would miss me are my parents.
I just wish i had a way of ending the suffering without suffering. Hence the dignitas reference.
I do want to die
So sorry that you feel so bad. I have experienced depression for 30 years on and off so I know how awful it can feel. It is good that you are sharing how you feel on this forum. Perhaps you can take tiny steps towards improving things? The problem withe depression is that you feel really bleak and in my experience do not have the energy to do much. But don't be too hard on yourself and try to interact a bit on the forum. You never know, it might lead to finding a friend who you have something in common with. I am sure that there are a lot of things going on here - I would imagine professional help would be important. I take anti-depressants long term and they really help me to feel less dark.
As I say, well done for writing down how you feel - that is a good achievement. Good luck.
I cant take anti-depressants, they make me feel worse and i can never maintain the steady dose so it sends my head all over the place.
Ive had over 30 sessions of counselling with zero results.
My best friends approach to my daughters death was to go missing for several months in the hope that it would have blown over by the time he showed his face again so he could revert to us getting pissed and him taking about how great his life was.
Other friends liked to view me as someone to pity. I dont need pity, i need inclusion and that does not mean 'come round ours we are bored'. Its about them being a part of my life as much as me being a part of theirs.
Making new friends is incredibly difficult for me now as i have learnt so many bad lessons about human nature. I am wary, reserved and almost paranoid from my negative experiences of neurotypicals. Most importantly my sense of humour is dead.