Published on 12, July, 2020
I have ADHD and Asperger's. I love people and miss them when I'm away, but I can only really do groups where I can phase out while others are talking and join in when I feel up to it. (Although I hate large crowds as I can't hear what people are saying).
I find one-to-ones rather difficult as I try too hard and burn myself out. But I so want to see my favourite people.
I can't be in a close environment with people where I can't escape if stress happens (risk of meltdowns) so I had to say no to an astronomy weekend at a cottage with my astrobuddies as I wasn't sure if I could cope. It broke my heart.
I also have some difficulty with women due to having been severely bullied by them. I'm always worried about how they (and anyone) feel aboout me. It can start well and then they just seem to get irritable with me. I guess it's my intensity.
So, here's the raft of upset I need to sort out:
I'm having to find another job due to restructuring at work and have settled with everyone in my current job. Lovely bunch. I have no idea how I'm going to cope with new people, having to explain my SpLD and ask them to stop playing the radio, keep the noise down and stop slamming drawers. All that distresses me so much however hard I try. Even management can be difficult.
I have a friend at work who's so like me he's like a brother. I love him to pieces and wish I could see him outside work on a more social basis, but the 1-2-1 situation makes it difficult. I've also never met his fiancee and I don't know how she'll be with me (women problems again). I'm so awkward at first. I don't know what his friends will be like etc. It breaks my heart being like me because I don't want to lose him but, when I leave, that might happen.
There are other things going on too and I can't stop crying.
How do I deal with the new job?
How do I keep my friend?
I don't know what to do. I hate being so awkward as I feel love so deeply and need people.
Alexxx
The first 3 paragraphs are just like me. I have both asd and adhd plus dyspraxia too and I have that mix of social issues... It is difficult getting the balance between mixing with people and overload of any kind. so when we can we have to try to apply pacing and also strategies for interaction. All of which is difficult. i'm not sure I can help you, I rarely come on the forum now but I know that it helps to know theoretic on here understand you. I do understand about the cottage situation as Im like that too. Is there a wy you could join in but have an escape plan like access to a taxi or your own transport or in panic situation your friends would get you to somewhere you could easily get home? I realise some dark sky places are remote but most are within access of some kind of transport and then maybe the fact that you have set up a back up plan will be enough for you to join in. Its easier for someone on the outside to make suggestions and maybe its a case of learning that its ok to panic, ok to be afraid and uncomfortable and that it will pass and if we don't get out of our comfort zones we miss out on good things. Im trying to learn to do this at the moment too. they don't have to be big steps. Just looking at cottage details on the website or going to check a route out or going to look at a place before you have to be there breaking it down into manageable bits so that its not all new all at once.
Change is hard for us and so you have a lot going on. it seems to me if you and the person the get on well with at work "click" then isn't it worth the effort to try to make a connection outside of that environment? You do not have to connect with him as a couple with the other person and you don't have to be best friends. But you could start with a coffee or beer or an activity that you can do alongside each other if thats better. Also if you are like your colleague then its possible that the girlfriend would be able to "get you" too and be patient enough initially for you to get to know one another. Put it like this.. if you don't try you lose some one you think a lot of and if you do try it could go well, or badly or somewhere in between but you've given it a go.
as for adjusting to your new environment then noise cancelling headphones might help? or a desk screen or other work place adjustments... others who are working might have better suggestions.
good luck
Thanks so much for replying. It's comforting to know there are people who understand. I haven't really told my astrobuddies about how difficult I find things. They're wonderful but I don't feel I can tell them. They're for astronomy, not anything else. And I hope my friend's fiancee will understand me as my friend is so obviously ADHD/Aspie's (undiagnosed). That's why we clicked. Only time will tell. She's just accepted a friend request on Facebook so I could see a live vid. Maybe this is the start. X