Hi everyone.

I have had lengthy discussions about an up coming tribunal on this forum. I have listened to your comments and i have to say i am now quite demoralised about the future.  From discussions on here i now how the impression that i should not have stood up for myself and that the outcome of this tribunal will have negative conscequences for me whatever the outcome. I feel as though my career (which i love) is over. The prospect of spending my life on benefits is horrific as i have always been ambitious and any time i have spent on benefits in the past has dragged me it to a dark hole of depression.

My tribunal pre-hearing is a week away. From discussions i have had on here it appears that i will likely lose. This would be because tribunals favour the employer and so do ACAS.

Maybe it is a result of my condition and my 'rigid black and white thinking' or maybe it is a result of my 'inflexible sense of justice' but i do feel i have wronged by my employer. From my interpretation of what has happened in this job, i have been discriminated against. We are potentially a confrontational species and to a degree i have felt compelled to take this issue as far as i have in the misguided belief that the UK justice system is there to protect myself and others like me. I now feel that i have done the wrong thing all along.

After my daughters death, all i have left is my career and that looks like it is in tatters at the moment. I work in a small industry and should i fail here, it is likely i will struggle getting a job in this line of work again. My hope has been that a financial punishment levelled at my employer would make them think twice regarding my future and that i could then try and concentrate on building a prosperous future for myself.  It seems however that the overall opinion is that this tribunal will only lead to a future dismissal anyway.

Perhaps i am not fit to work. Perhaps this is the ultimate truth that this process is leading to. Where does this leave me though. For me i feel it is leading back to the black hole that i have been trying to escape from all these years.

Since my diagnosis i have been lead to beleive that i should celebrate my difference. That i should be proud of who i am and that i should potentially offer a unique skill set to my employers.

This perspective is likely going to be destroyed by this tribunal. I have felt humiliated in my current employment but i feel that the humiliation resulting from this going to be far greater.

I am angered that a person in a call centre with no appreciation for ASD will ultimately be judge jury and executioner for my future at the company i currently work at.  That such unqualified people can have such a huge influence in judicial outcomes. Perhaps i should have accepted whatever was proposed by my employer and sacrificed my confidence. Whatever the case, i have passed the point of no return now.

It is no exaggeration that i have had suicidal thoughts over this past year. My life has changed beyond recognition since my daughters passing and my ASD diagnosis. My social circles have collapsed entirely.  This fight against my employer has given me cause in an otherwise bleak world.  Now this cause is under scrutiny and perhaps i was misguided in my beliefs.

Where does this leave me.  I hate the fact that i have this condition and wish i was NT like most other people. I need peace. I really dont know what to do with my self if my career is over. I dont think i have the strength to start from scratch at 38 years old.