Published on 12, July, 2020
I know the title is an obvious statement from someone with Autism, however I've been struggling more than ever lately.
I just want to be left alone. I only like the company from my dad or my partner or animals. Anyone else I do not want.
I feel frustrated when someone speaks to me, I am polite to people and pretend I'm interested however deep down I wish they would leave me be because socialising tires me out.
My boyfriend has been spending far far too much time with his parents, they are nice people but SOOO annoying!! His dad is very grumpy. His mum is such an over the top extrovert, everything has to be HER way and she's always taking photos of us every 2 seconds to show off on facebook and I am sick of it. I can't stand extroverts I'm sorry.
And I am feeling more distressed because my mum keeps pressuring me to organise a get together with my boyfriend's parents and I don't want to. I simply cannot cope with big family get-togethers, I'm sorry but I am really not interested in them.
I have to go to a family birthday party next weekend and I am anxious as hell!! I've made too many "I'm ill" excuses to get out of them in the past and I know I can't get out of this one. In fact most of the time they have just not invited me in the first place because they are embarrassed of me. It's horrible because this side of the family are extremely religious Christians (the bigot kind not the nice kind) and my grandparents are so rude and tactless and say blunt and hurtful things. And they will be sucking up to my sister the whole time who isn't Autistic and has achieved everything in life that I could never achieve. I'm dreading it. I kinda want to pretend I'm dead and sadly I'm not joking.
It sucks because my family look down on me for my diagnosis, so most of the time I've tried to wind them up even more by rebelling and doing things I know would make them absolutely furious as a means of coping. I know that sounds silly but I don't know how to explain it, but it just helps. They resent me so I resent them back.
How on earth do I cope at all these GOD AWFUL family meet ups eurgh. I honestly don't mean to sound ungrateful for my family - but you can't help it when they are so rude and disrespectful especially towards my diagnosis.
Hi Moolyhoops,
I'm not surprised that you hate family get-togethers if they look down on you because of your diagnosis. How do they do this? Ridicule you? Refuse to talk about it? Regard you as sub-normal and as such have nothing of value to say? I can't be around anyone like that. My diagnosis has distanced me from most of my family. But I don't need to be around negative, uncaring people - as if I don't feel bad enough about myself. I need to be around people who want to include me, who are genuinely understanding, who can accept me on my own terms... who make me feel better about myself. Who make me feel human.
I find human interaction tiring, too. I avoid it as much as I can, and try to keep it at a phatic level - which seems very superficial, but there it is. I spent most of Christmas alone - just a couple of hours with my niece and her family on Christmas Day, when I'd had a bit to drink anyway, and enjoyed playing a few daft games and having a laugh. I was glad to get home, though, and be alone with my cat.
The only place that I really have no choice but to spend time with other people is at work. I always find that enervating. I'm always glad to get home in the evening and shut the door.
You're not alone! Not in that sense, anyway.
I’m sorry you don’t feel human Tom. I know that feeling all too well. Before I got my diagnosis, I never felt like I was human. It’s very sad. I don’t like to think of anybody feeling that way. Did the diagnosis not go anyway to helping you feel human?